hide and seek

When I was younger...there was a movie --Grease 2.  Yeah, I know, it was lame.  In the movie was a song--Charades.  It wan't sung well, but it resonated with me
--even as a young girl
Later as I grew older...a Disney movie came out.  I don't watch those movies (although now that I have a child...). In the movie, Mulan, there was a song called Reflections...again...complete connection.

Sometimes, I am simply hiding. I want to show the real me--because I am always real. 
But there are days...when I am still real, but I am hiding.--behind a Charade-afraid to look at my Reflection.

Sometimes I ask:  "Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me..."

Working on discovering more about her and sharing her. This is MY journey...and how lucky I am to travel the path...

5/29/2012 week 14 of 40

One thing I realized this week is that I AM managing this new life---the balance is tough, but I am managing. Yet, with that...comes constant questioning. I have been questioning everything lately.. I have really high expectations for the people around me...and sometimes, I simply feel let down. I do, however, get to choose how I react.

Lately...
I cry.
I do.
maybe not acceptable...
but I cry.

I cry when I am happy
when I am overwhelmed
when I am hurt
when I feel love

I cry.

week 14...a lot of crying-but I'm managing.

Balancing Beam

I never liked gym class.  I know it was because I was afraid.
Afraid to try.
Afraid to fail.

I remember the long ropes hanging from the ceiling of my elementary school gym.
Year after year...they-
TAUNTED ME--like they were laughing at me-
as I hung there by my limp arms-
first grade
second grade--
SIXTH grade

I never made it up those ropes.

I work in the district I grew up in---
I am seen those ropes many times in the past 8 years.
They no longer taunt me...instead
they HAUNT me.

How come I could never do it?
Other girls could.
(hello, inadequacy)

I thought for a while that I might work out really hard so I could climb them
CONQUER them
but ...what the hell would that mean?
how would THAT change my life?

So, now, here I am -- a failure at rope climbing.
and trying to walk the balance beam of my new life...

The ropes, I suspect--would have been easier.

5/20/2012...week 13 of 40

This past week I decided to finally create this blog.  I finally felt like I had something to share, and I needed a place to do it.  But, the truth is--whether or not it is shared, it is my "something," and isn't that enough?  Why must everything "be worthy" of a place for its story? ... This past week I saw a side of me that I like-- the giving side.  I made a decision about how I can give back more to my community, and I am proud of it.  I also saw a side of me that I don't like.  The side where I don't think before I speak--but in this case it was in text which is worse because you get to re-read the stuff you didn't think about before you said it/sent it--grr!!. I made that mistake several times, and yeah, I am working on it. So, this week of 40...I can simply say...2 steps forward and a step backward. But, at least-I am taking steps. I also realized this week my daughter reminds me of me...I see me in her...I joke about it-people tell me about it, but this week, I saw it. --pretty damn amazing.

This song keeps creeping in my mind lately.  Heavily in rotation on my ipod a few years ago, I hadn't listened to it in quite some time.  Then, suddenly, it kept making appearances during "random shuffles" on my many mixes.  Coincidence?  Nothing is a coincidence....not really. It grabs you from the first line.."have you ever thought about-what protects our hearts"--maybe I have been watching too many back episodes of Grey's Anatomy today, but hearing it now--just gave me a little lump in my throat. 

Packing

 Spending time packing-it's like peeling away pieces of your past...today, I looked at my past as an educator.

Today, while packing my classroom, I found pieces of a person I barely remember--one who spent every waking moment
Planning, thinking, creating...STUFF for my class--
As I tossed so many THINGS away, I thought about who I am as an educator --who I have become--a person and a teacher who spends more time
LIVING--and sharing life with her class
My greatest lessons have been the ones that came to me during my morning blow dry--the ones where I walk in the class-and
SCRAP THE PLAN--and embrace the moment

Today, while packing my classroom, I was all alone for a long time-no kids, no teachers, just me (and my ipod).  I thought about ALL THE TIME that I planned and planned but forgot to embrace the moment.

I have always believed that it is process over product, process over product...This year, I want to listen more...embrace more.  A second chance with this group is a gift.  I won't WASTE moments with the STUFF, the PLAN, the THINGS...My plan is simple...listen and embrace. 

leading and following...

I am a leader...some might call me a little bossy, but all in all-I am a leader. Yet, in the coming school year, I will be "following" for the first time in many years. I know this is a necessary shift, but it is a challenge just to think about it. 


following....


I am not changing a behavior--this is my personality.

Hmmm.

listen more.
listen more.
That is where I am starting.

drip drip drip

Is it ok to pray for things like--let there be just enough coffee for ONE cup this morning...I think I shook out every last ground into the coffee maker. Ok, how about if I just cross my fingers? (and chant: please please please).

My decision about birthdays ...for the next year...

5/13/2012

Dear Friends,

As many of you know, I am on a journey to discovering what 40 means to me. One of my passions and causes that I have always had a special place in my heart for is the issue of homelessness and poverty.    Last year, I asked you to forgo gifts for my birthday, and join me in a volunteering activity instead.  This past Christmas, I asked that you not buy gifts for Maris but instead donate to one of three causes, if you felt so inclined.  Looking ahead into this year of being 40, I have decided that for the remainder of the year, and I hope this is is acceptable to you, my friends-- I would like to forgo standard gifts in lieu of a donation in your name to the Faith Mission, Salvation Army, and Habitat for Humanity services.  This will occur from this point on until my next birthday in 2012.  I would also like to ask that for my 41st birthday that you forgo a gift to me and simply make a donation, if you are so inclined, to one of the previously mentioned organizations.  When it is your birthday, I will send you a card, and I will let you know where “your” dollars went.  Despite our many trials, each of us is blessed in ways.  It is my hope that through this philanthropy, we can provide a brighter day for someone else.  Happy Birthday, friends.  Wish big.

Love,
Michelle

This song just popped in my head as I finished creating this blogspace...

"You don't know where and you don't know when.
But you still got your words and you got your friends.
Walk along to another day.
Work a little harder, work another way."

~it kinda defines where I'm at...

Well...here it is!! MY BLOG!!

"breathe in...breathe out...move on"---words from a friend a year ago-it was written on a post-it, stuck to a file cabinet-
it stayed there for days, weeks, months-until I finally took the physical reminder down-tossed it in the trash-

but it has stayed with me...and I am reminded of it-often-at the quietest moments of the day
not during the chaotic rushes of drama
but in the quiet moments
breathe in
breathe out
move on.
breathe in
breathe out
move on.

5/14/2012...week 12 of 40.

Week 12 of 40...(yes, a day late): Fight for what and who you want in your life and let the rest go. When you feel pure joy...it can actually give you a joyful headache. Second chances are important, but choose carefully who gets them. Vodka can feel like an old friend. And, I am soooo excited that I figured out how I want to honor my 40 self and my beliefs and passions...details coming soon. :)

5/6/2012...week 11 of 40

Week 11 of 40. I learned to say NO early into my 30's...I need to re-visit that lesson. It is important to remember that when you are genuinely a giving person-whether or not it is reciprocated isn't the point UNTIL you feel taken advantage of...then it is time to re-evaluate the relationship, and you should. And, wearing the pre-baby skinny jeans...sadly...didn't give me the "oomph" I thought it... would (but I am still glad I got back into them). Spending time with my best friend of over 25 years soothes me and cracks me up. I am grateful to have the wisdom to know how to maintain a friendship without ever letting other relationships break what we have. And communicating without my intentions being misunderstood...currently working on that...

4/29/2012...week 10 of 40

Week 10 of 40... Perseverance DOES work. I didn't give up...and it paid off (a little shout out to some friends who stood beside me-you know who you are). Maya Angelou was right: "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." Snuggling with my daughter brings me more joy than I could have ever imagined, but I also know...how important it is to take care of her mom and dad...marriage is work...and worth every moment. And in the words of Tim, "hearing the words 'big glass of red wine' makes me happy."

4/22/2012...week 9 of 40

Week 9 of 40.... Well, well, well. I learned that I possess the ability to rise against the odds. I learned that you always have choices (even when you don't think you do). Laughter...makes you laugh. Sometimes, enough is enough. And friends...I am learning...

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4/8/2012...week 7 of 40

Week 7 of 40: Hmmm. Just because you decided one thing-doesn't mean a woman can't change her mind (and I might). A book can take you places! Wine for dinner is perfectly OK!!..... I have a definitive love for music...and probably always will. And there is not a thing wrong with having control issues. I actually prefer them. :)

4/15/2012...week 8 of 40

Week 8 of 40: "Do unto others" doesn't always pan out (sorry Maw Maw). Yuengling Light is pretty tasty (even in a bottle). Willpower still takes off the pounds (and I hope this continues-Napa Baby!!). And no matter how much I love nostalgia, you can't go back. BUT you can be hopeful for the future...if you believe. I believe. Looking ahead to see what week 9 brings.

4/8/2012...week 6 of 40

Week 6 of 40: Perseverance isn't just a word I use...it's actually my way of life. I persevere...I try...I don't give up. Not everyone can actually say that...but I can. This I know for sure. Also, bangs on a 40 year old...make her look younger :) And what....2 pounds to go...I got this. (feeling a little confident this evening...and I am glad!!)

3/25/2012....Week 5...groan of 40

Week 5 of 40: I want to be 39 again. That's all.

3/18/2012...week 4 of 40

Week 4 of 40: It's really ok when everything is not perfect. It really is. What I need isn't necessarily what I want, but it always is more important. You can try and go back, but it will never be what it once was. When my inner voice says to call it a night and go home-I should. I-me-I decide how I let people treat me...not them. Laughter with an old friend always feels right. Feeling well-rested is probably permanately in the past

3/11/2012...week 3 of 40

Week 3 of 40: Much like when I was 18, I am strong willed: once I make a decision, you pretty much can't break me (which is how I have not had a Girl Scout Cookie in 6 years)-I am glad that this is still true; peanut butter, unlike people, never lets me down; as much as I love the kids, this is actually MY professional journey-it's actually MY career; relationships are exactly that: ships, smooth sailing, rocky waves, and the occasional Titanic; 5 hour energy lasts exactly 5 hours.

3/4/2012...week 2 of 40

Week 2 of being 40: Much like when I was 16, my mind plays tricks on me (yeah, I am singing the Geto Boyz, too)--I can still let my mind run wild. Barbera is a solid stand in for Cabernet. Technology is evil. Writing is something I still love-and I need it if I am ever going to figure me out-because after 40 years, I STILL can't figure me out.

week one of 40...the first 7 days

7 days of being 40...and here is what I have learned upon reflection at the end of this week: 1. when you finally have everything you ever wanted, you begin searching for what is next (the dreams never end) 2. nothing will ever be the same...while I stood still for most of 39 (pregnancy), things...life...kept moving, and left some holes 3. a chance really is like a picture-but will I take it? 4. I'm very sentimental 5. FRIEND is a noun, not an adjective ....those are my musings from week one of 40...