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Monday, July 30, 2012

week 23 of 40... 7/30/2012

Let's start off lightly~~~
So, I think I might not like Blizzards anymore...
I KNOW!!!!!!
~~ever since I ate them over and over while pregnant--they just do not taste the same. 
I have eaten two--just two, since my daughter was born 8 months ago, and both times...eh..not that great (yes, I realize this is a positive thing)

and now...
I have mentioned my mind racing games.
I am fairly certain that I could be an Olympic champion in mind racing---the wires move pretty fast up there.

Lately--I am really becoming exHAUSTED with all the thinking, over-thinking, and re-thinking.  UGH.

I am ... in the beginning stages...of being ready to move on. to start letting go.

This 40 thing.~~~~~~ It is alleged (you know "they" say--who are "they" anyway) that at 40, you begin to really find out who you are-what you're made of.

Hmmm, what do I know about me???

For starters~~~I am tough.  Yeah, you see my emotions, sometimes, but I am tough.  Like the gambler--I know when to walk away, and I know when to run. That is one thing I know I re-learned this past week-a voice I really heard.  I am finding out about myself more and more~like a rediscovery.  Yep, I'm tough.  And that is a solid start. 

~~ and I almost feel compelled to ask, do *you* know something about yourself?


Yes.  I know when to walk away, and I know when to run...
now...to simply put those words into action...

but, then, when do you stay?  when do you know when to stay where you are?....

~until next week.

Monday, July 23, 2012

week 22 7/23/2012

Have you ever written the date, looked down, and realized “hmmm, I know that date…”
And then you remember.
A birthday.  Of someone who is no longer in your life- and hasn’t been for a long while.
Today that happened to me.  I was in class, and I wrote the date.  I stared at the numbers for a few minutes.  Why did I know 7/23??   Ahh.  It was a former boyfriend’s birthday.
When I say former—I should actually say from another lifetime.  It was over 20 years ago.  I have no idea where he is now.  He was a good guy with very blue eyes.
Yet, looking at that date-brushing by a series of memories- got me thinking.
How have I changed since then, and how have I stayed the same?
What parts of me left…
What parts stayed…
What mistakes did I make then-
And what mistakes do I CONTINUE to make (UGH)
You know, the ones you never-ever-seem to learn from?
Here, 20 years later, I know a few things. (and I am sure there will be more of these to come)
1.   Back then I played the blame game.  It was someone else’s fault.  I was a “victim” of circumstance.  I don’t do that anymore.  When “it” happens—whatever “it” may be—I reflect and question how and why, but in the end—I own it.  Lesson learned.
2.   Back then I had little respect for trust.  I just assumed that I was not trustworthy, and I assumed others were not trustworthy.  Over time (much time)…I think I began to trust too easily.  I let that part of me completely go…let all the walls down.  I “over-learned” my lesson.  I think I want a little part of that “reservation” back.  
3.   Back then…if I said something—chances were I would not change my mind.  Now, I think I am more open to changing my mind, but I rarely do.  
4.   Back then, I wasn’t the nicest person.  I’m still not. I don’t know a single person who have ever described me as “nice.”  But not being “nice” has little to do with me being a “good” and “giving” person. 
5.   Back then, I liked to have the last word—still do.  Sometimes, I am just relentless. I take perseverance to a new level.  Sometimes, I just CANNOT let something go.  It irritates me that I cannot move forward without beating something into the ground.  THIS is a lesson I have not fully learned…to let go.  Ugh, just typing those words is hard.
6.   Awww….just a quick flashback…Boomerang was such a great movie.  It still is. “love should brought your ass home last night”…”I know this”  2 of the greatest movie lines (yeah, I USED to watch movies)
7.   Back then, I always wanted one more drink—I didn’t want the fun to be over.  Yep, still the same.  I drink more water at the end, though J  Lesson partially learned.
8.   Back then, I skipped classes all the time—I wasn’t ready. I have no idea why…but I have spent the last 15 years paying the price for that.  Literally and figuratively. A year from now…my “issue” from #5 will be a benefit when I will have FINALLY completed my master degree.  This lesson needed time (and apparently lots of it).
9.   Back then, I let some wonderful friendships slip out of my hands…Now, I fight and fight for them to remain.  (again #5)
10.                I have an intuition…I know when something is up.  I have been like this since way back then—perhaps part of the mistrust.  Still, to this day, I know…I know when something’s going on.  I know.  (and then #5)


I have always reflected…and I have written in journals for years and years.  A few months ago, someone said to me, “let your thinking today be the thinking of non-thinking.”  I could never figure out how to do that…I wanted to- I did- but I couldn’t make it happen.  I appreciate this space to learn and grow…and to see that I am, indeed, learning and growing. So, thank you for reading…and maybe, you, too, are learning and growing with me.


Sunday, July 15, 2012

week 21 of 40 7/15/2012

So, I found this quote on Pinterest (and of course, I cannot get it to embed), and it says:

"I want to sleep, but my brain won't stop talking to itself."

I think if my brain could scribe all of the things rushing through it, I would simply have pages upon pages upon pages of writing...

So, tonight, I am simply going to make a list. Embedded are some new "40" wisdoms, and some random things rushing through my mind.  I like bullets...and I love that my students always use them, too!!  :)

  • I really want to see Greg Laswell in concert...SOON-I need to see him live, in a small bar, with a cold beer, and I need him to play "Your Melody."
  • I just read on Yahoo that the number one trait in a successful marriage is empathy.  Am I empathetic enough?  In year 12, I have to wonder-am I empathetic or do I only seek empathy.  Need to think on this.
  • My hubby said today after a "family nap" that "the family that naps together, stays together."
  • When I woke from my nap today...I remembered out of the blue that I did a terrible thing when I was about 22 years old...I don't know what made remember it or why I had ever forgotten. I never told anyone, and I felt insanely guilty for a long, long time. Yet, today, it just popped into my mind the moment I woke up. I stole money. Not a lot.  but...I stole money.  Not from a person, per se...Not a lot of money...Well, there really is no explaining it.  I did it. How terrible.  How terrible.  Who the hell does that? ...What the hell could I have been thinking?  I don't even know why...Who the hell was I?

OK, now that I said that...where do I go from there?...This is my truth...Back to my spinning brain.

  • I love forehead kisses. They just mean so much more than the "sloppy, 17 year old, tongue in the mouth, I can't breathe" kind of kiss...
  • I think I finally believe at 40 that after years and years of doing my hair and make-up and picking out the perfect outfit that men really prefer a natural casual look ... (still love my mascara, though)
  • My mom is the real reason I love to read. She gets all the credit.  I want my daughter to say this about me someday, too. I should tell my mom this. I will.  I will tell her.
  • I am really territorial and protective when it comes to certain people in my life, yet, I am not a jealous person. Not at all. Just territorial. I just finished reading Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, and I am a tiger.
  • Overwhelmed is an understatement for my emotional state lately. A few friends told me the other week that I am doing A LOT...I think ...they are correct.
  • The bangs have def made me look younger, but is it time to grow them out?  I am ready to be blonde again.
  • Managing the bedroom of an 8 month old is a hell of a lot more difficult than one might imagine--OCD kicking in
  • Puffs and Cheerios on the floor do not bother me--OCD moving out
  • I love nights on the patio!
  • Looking at my daughter's little clothes today makes me cry...why do they grow so fast? Why? I feel this crazed pressure to capture everything ... and in my state of capturing it, I fear I am missing it... Working on this ...working on this... because we can't remember everything...
  • but eventhough we don't remember everything, isn't it strange that we do remember the feelings? 
  • revealing my terrible thing is making me overthink other choices I have made...shut up, brain!
  • Sangria is ok, but I would rather just have wine-
....ok, I think I might be able to sleep a little...lots on my plate tomorrow, and one thing I cannot seem to learn is that I need to get the rest when I can!!  

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

week 20 of 40 ....7/10/2012

Well, this past week was a great time.  Old friends,  familiar traditions, one of my favorite holidays, and a huge milestone for my little girl---on July 1st, she crawled!!  Today, a little over a week later, she pulled herself from the floor hanging onto the cushions of the couch!  She amazes me. She makes me smile all the time. I tell her all the time, “You shine my days.”
It is my sweet, little girl that helped me find the words for this week's blog…I am borrowing some words from a few friends, but it is her that really cemented those words-that made me see them in different dimensions..
…One thing I know for absolute certain now that I have been a mother for almost 8 months now (17 if you count pregnancy)---there is NO way to describe what it really feels like, how your thinking really changes, how your life flips and flops and morphs itself daily into a newer existence…  I know that before I had her, others would tell me this very thing, and I would think “yeah yeah….it changes you, kids are amazing…uh huh...”
….but I promise with all of my deepest honesty, it IS true. It IS.  And I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything in the world.  There are other experiences that have brought me happiness, but this …motherhood—brings me JOY-pure JOY.

With that said…here are a few pieces of wisdom I gained from this past week:
1.        I love our country.  No political agenda here…but I have a true love for our country, for America.  Watching the fireworks in downtown Columbus is something I have done OVER 20 times in my life (and it did not begin until 1980), and I never tire of it…ever.  Lee Greenwood, bright lights in the sky, and 500,000 of my closest friends…*that* is America J

2.       Thank you to my dear friend who made a very wise statement the other night on my patio:  “Why can’t I wear a bikini, too?”  Amen.  Why do I have to miss time in the pool with my daughter, my husband, and my friends because my body isn’t perfect?  I AM a really great swimmer, afterall—and isn’t that why we go to the pool-to swim????
….of course, with that said, now I have to buy a swimsuit!!!!
3.       Ugh, passive aggressive behavior is …for lack of a better description…so PASSE!  It is over.  If you have something to say, perhaps, try saying it (TO THAT PERSON NOT AROUND THAT PERSON).  I know that for me…being honest has saved some of my most important friendships from  "drifting"…and I guess, if you aren’t willing to say what needs to be said, then it isn’t important enough to be passively aggressive about, you know? 
….now, as a parent, I can’t ever be afraid to tell my daughter the truths she needs to know.  ….if I can’t be honest with the people I love and care for the most…then, who can I be honest with??
4.       Lastly, I am reminded of a song that I shared with a friend a few years ago and a saying that I was reminded of from a friend a few days ago…maybe I should pay attention –
Because…it is true. “You can’t get what you want til you know what you want…”  I can’t tell my daughter to chase her dreams when I’m not chasing mine…and I can’t chase them, if I don’t know what they are.  Sometimes, dreams and wishes are about the future—but many…many, many, many…
are about right now...



Monday, July 2, 2012

week 19 of 40... 7/2/2012

Well it has been quite a few days. 

My week began with a conversation-that fed into 3 more conversations.  The first demanded attention.  As I have mentioned before--if I feel that I am misunderstood, I work to find a way to be understood.  On Monday, I did that.  I spoke up.  I said what I needed to say, and may I say:  I highly recommend this.

week 19:  trust your gut and trust what you have ALREADY learned:  if I don't say it-I never said it!!!!

This motto has been my "go to" for quite a few years now, so, no, it is not a new lesson of "40." Yet, this week, it was reaffirmed several times, and yet left itself open.

On Monday, I had a conversation that has been lulling in my mind for months...MONTHS. I knew there were things left unsaid-
...but was I willing to re-open the can of worms (or in this particualr case: raw sewage--yep, THAT bad)?

I was willing, and I did.  I stuck up for myself, for my honesty, for my loyalty, for my integrity.  And I apologized for the mistakes I made (which I won't make again). We came to a true consensus-a common ground, and we both learned that morning.  We both grew that morning. I know we can move forward and have a positive relationship.  I know we trust each other again, and I know we have respect with each other again.  For me, if I lose respect in someone, I cannot have a relationship with them. It is in time that I will know if this relationship will continue to create bridges to new pathways.

Which moves me to another conversation I had this week.  I was honest, once again, with someone who I have felt has let me down.  But in our conversation, I realized, I let her down, too. Maybe I assumed that I could be the friend she needed--that I had been the friend she needed.  Maybe...we just need time to let things settle.  I still feel misunderstood in this situation-and I am not sure how to change that.  I said what I needed to say, but I still feel....

unheard. 

What will become of this relationship? I don't know.  But I do know that I don't give up, and I am loyal, and when I love, I love deeply with my whole heart. So, maybe this situation needs the respect of-

time.

A third conversation happened this week after the first two.  In that conversation, I was reminded that with time...things grow.  We have grown.  We have changed.  We have evolved (the word used about me).  In our relationship, we have silently, but loudly, vowed to be honest, to be real, and we have become closer through those vows.

So in regards to the first two conversations, it is the third that reminds me that

time is a gift. 

Let time be the mediator...let time be the healer...let time show me.

Lastly, a 4th conversation happened after the first three...a conversation where we pondered what EXACTLY is it in life that fulfills us?  Is it our work? Is it our family? Is it our partners? Is it our friends? Is it the activities that we engage in? Is it our children (if we choose to have them) Is it our beliefs?

and then I thought on it...

...or is it something greater? 

Could it be the thing that drives us, motivates us, thrills us...is what we don't know?

the unknown
the impossible possibilities
the unimaginables that we have yet to imagine
the dreams we won't close our eyes to dream


if I don't say it, I never said it--but sometimes-
I don't know what to say...


week 19-a week of conversations.