I began this quite a bit ago…and I have been sitting on it a bit-
(2.18.2013) Tonight is the end of my 40th year. I started this a year ago by simply writing my musings after “week 1” of 40. And then, after 6 weeks, I finally decided to write it as a full blog-something a few people had been encouraging me to do. As life often intersects and interrupts life, my “weekly” stint became “biweekly,” and sometimes “tri-weekly.” It’s amazing what can reveal itself in 365 days…what changes and what stays the same…and what will be gone forever.
As a new mother taking on a new position at work (yes, for those of you who aren’t in education-a new grade is a whole new position), along with a full internship to complete my master degree, I felt this desire to pen the happenings, the dailies, the ins and outs, the ups and downs.
I’m not entirely certain of all that I learned because just when I felt I “learned” some grand “life lesson”-it transformed, changed, altered-sometimes so rapidly that I simply couldn’t keep up with the pace, and sometimes so emphatically slowly that I couldn’t bear to be in its space another moment. The number of times I screamed, “Let it go” … well, I lost count at about 246.
With that said…a few early “noticings”…
1. When you write a public piece, suddenly people begin to think there are parts that are about them—to those of you who wondered—you should have asked. I would have told you the truth— It’s called a blog for a reason.
2. Years ago I vehemently avoided texting. Now, I know why. It is a blessing and—a curse, no a bulldozer. It can connect and disconnect in a few words, maybe a whole sentence. It can be a shadow to hide behind or a bright light to shine and share. ….with that, I still text.
3. Career is a fancy name for job.
Fast forward, now it is 3/11/2013. Tonight I was talking to someone…someone who knows me very well. She has known me for 8 years, and she met me when I was going through a terrible time at work. Since then, she has been privy to my greatest dreams and my darkest moments.
Sooo, we were talking about my big 40th year…and I was telling her that it began with a huge regret (this is only the second regret I have ever had-the first being NOT going away to college) that spiraled into all these relationships that changed. It took me away-mentally, emotionally, physically- from my greatest joy—my daughter-left me wounded, vulnerable, and plain sad (and I …I let that happen…damnit damnit).
… Then just as I was beginning to piece it back together and prepare for a new school year with a “fresh” start, my dear dear friend died. I told myself it wasn’t my fault-that I could take no blame-that I was a true friend to her- but I did, I did blame myself (why didn’t I? I should have? I could have?)…day after day… I crawled inward and hid from everyone. And when I was finally ready to look outward again, it surprised me that within distorted and hazy view, I didn’t see anyone coming to find me. Yet, how could they? I had pushed them all away. I was “fine.” (hell, I am still trying to convince myself of this).
… And then as my 40th year was coming to a close, I was faced with something I could never have prepared for—to support a friend when I couldn’t find understanding-rationale-agreement, but whom I loved too dearly to turn away from…it was too much
Tonight as I told this person how I felt that all of these things clouded-jaded my 40—she said the most amazing thing to me: “But aren’t all years like that--?” Yes, she agreed, I faced some pretty dark days, but haven’t other years been difficult? Well, yes.
I have been listening to a lot of Oprah radio on XM. I have heard some profound things…1. This moment is all I have right now. Be in it. It will be over soon. This moment is what IS. 2. I am allowed to change my mind-it is ok. And I don’t have to apologize for it.
3. and, I DON’T need others to validate me….I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am a good wife, mom, teacher, friend, daughter, sister…why??
The truth is—I am a good wife. I know this because taking care of my husband, laughing with him, talking at the “table” with him, and baking him cookies makes me happy-I love him. I am a good mom. I can’t believe I keep waiting to hear that!! Being a mom is the best thing I have ever done…it is my real “career.” I love her with my whole heart. Tonight, I taught her how to feed her babydoll a bottle and how to put toys in a basket to clean up. Tonight, she ate the puff pastry pocket with chicken, leeks, and corn that I made her with broccoli and shallots. Tonight she sat on my lap while we read It Looked Like Spilt Milk (whomever bought that for her for her birthday—she loves it). And tonight, she hugged me. I am a good teacher. I am a better teacher now that I am a mom (it is actually true-everything the mom/teachers told me would happen-did). I know I am a good teacher because my ideas come to me at random moments (like blow drying my hair), and I change my whole day in 5 minutes based on the kids. I make decisions that are best for them. When a kid walks to the trash can with a book in his hand because he can’t put it down—that’s how I know. (sorry data charts). I am a good teacher because I am real to them-not perfect-real. I am a good friend because when I am your friend, I am your friend. I am loyal. I am honest (too much, I know). And when I’m sorry—I am really sorry, and I will make it right (also known as fight like hell—I believe relentless is the word). And I know I am a good daughter and sister. If you know me in the real world, I need not explain further… I love my family. We are little, we are off-center, but I love them.
I am not waiting for validation because it is within me!
So, it’s time to say good-bye to the year that was…I’m still standing. I might not be fine, but who is? Things might not look like they did, but it’s going to be ok. It might not feel ok right now, but it will, in moments it will, and these moments are all I have …and they keep passing me by…so I need to be in them, and that is the greatest lesson of all…even when the moment is hard, when it hurts, when it puzzles and distorts, it will pass into one that feels easy, joyous, answers questions and opens the path to the next…
41 … the moments are waiting for me.
