~for this teacher, the end of the year brings hibernation followed by reflection...
I can recall watching Oprah long ago, and she was doing one of her shows on aging gracefully—whatever that means, and she made a comment to a woman who was in her early 40’s. She said to the woman that when you turn 40, a light comes on, a clarity arrives, and your perspective changes. I think I was in my early 30’s at the time.
I can recall watching Oprah long ago, and she was doing one of her shows on aging gracefully—whatever that means, and she made a comment to a woman who was in her early 40’s. She said to the woman that when you turn 40, a light comes on, a clarity arrives, and your perspective changes. I think I was in my early 30’s at the time.
As I was headed toward 40, I often thought of that comment. It wasn’t the only time I had heard this proclamation. My mentor at work told me the same thing one day over lunch – she said that something just clicks when you hit 40.
So, now as I am headed toward 42, I question this “click”- this “light”- this “clarity”
…no, I am not delusional enough to think that upon the stroke of midnight at the end of 39, there would be an awakening –but it is something I have been wondering since that birthday.
On my phone, I use the “notes” section to jot down my thoughts, my questions, my a-ha’s—
yet--for much of this year-2013, I have used it as an outlet for words that I kept inside-words I chose not to say-words I pushed away, stuffed into a little fragment of a sentence on a fake page on a cell phone
…looking at this page now, scrolling through the random words, some in all caps-some with exclamation marks following, some even misspelled (gasp!), looking to see if there was a “light” a “click” a “clarity” that revealed my foray into the 40’s…I saw something completely different
Teen angst.
Yes, I was taken aback as word after word that I shoved onto this device revealed what I could have written at 16… anger, frustration, self-doubt, jealousy, lack of confidence, sadness, denial, disappointment, wonder, hope, joy, pride, gratitude, confidence, self-assurance… and a plan to change- to conquer-to prevail-all intertwined on a yellow wall with brown lines…
Line after line of these quieted stifled emotions…
So, I get all the way to my 40’s for what? Teen angst?
Then, I looked through all the words
–even though they were all typed in, they still looked like scribbles, rambles, tangent after tangent… and I realized that within those very lines were the clarity and the light
I didn’t say all those things—I didn’t share them-
well, that’s not true. I shared them with very few people (and if you are reading this—you know I am talking about you…thank you)
But… I didn’t act or react to all of those thoughts and feelings. I closed them in-kept them for only me-for when I was ready to face them, or in many cases, toss them aside,
Or better yet, I decided that I would NOT allow them to have any meaning-I would not let them matter
-I left them behind, just black words on a yellow page on an iphone app…
CLICK.
