As a teacher, the end of the school year-is like December 31st-
and the beginning of the school year-is like January 1st-
Which makes summer
the longest 24 hours of time
that goes incredibly fast.
By the time June 12th arrived, I was beyond exhausted.
178 days of taking classes, doing an internship, teaching a new grade
being a mommy to a sweet baby
trying to be a better partner to my husband
and trying to be a friend to my friends
overwhelmed
I needed a change...
You might think with all the changes I had endured, I'd be "satisfied"-"settled"
That's one of the things I know about me-
Rarely-
"satisfied"
Rarely-
"settled"
There's an old Alanis Morissette song called, "That I Would Be Good."
The lines...
"That I would be good
even when I'm overwhelmed."
the words-they tell me that it is OK
Which I know, but at the end of the school year, I didn't feel so OK.
Overwhelmed, but not OK.
I knew several weeks prior that I needed to make a change, but I didn't know where to begin
but I knew it had to be WITH ME
not someone or something else
I promised myself when I finished my masters that I would "take care of myself."
(my health, my well-being)
But, where does one even begin?
I knew that I didn't want to do something all my friends were doing
I knew I did not want to run
I knew that I did not want to join a gym and waste travel time
I didn't want to buy equipment that would collect dust
I knew I did not want to take a class where others would see me
I knew I had to do something that would be mine. I had to own it.
Oh, and I wanted a transformation--over the summer.
It began...
With an infomercial-late at night-when I was home alone and the baby is asleep.
I was watching the informercial for Insanity-a rigorous 60 day program that involved moves that I couldn't fathom contorting my body into
-yet
I was glued, fascinated.
I started googling and reading.
A few days later I posted on Facebook looking for feedback.
A co-worker let me borrow his DVD's
...and then they sat on my kitchen counter
staring at me each day as I left for work
***as a side note, I have never played a sport, exercised, ran a whole mile
I can't touch my toes, could never do a cartwheel or handstand, wasn't in the band or in any sort of dance, so I can't count a beat, and I had zero muscle tone-zero.
(although, I did give birth--that was a sort of work out)***
After school got out, I decided enough was enough.
I went to my basement, moved some things around, asked my husband to put the DVD player down there, and then-
I went down one day. I pushed play.
I thought I would pass out from how hard my heart was pounding JUST from the jumping jacks during the fit test (the pre-work-out)
I mean--when was the last time I did a freaking jumping jack??
And then, the next day I went back. I could barely make it though the warm up without stopping every minute or so.
And then, I went back for day three.
And somewhere into the second week, I saw changes in my body. I was growing muscle. My face was looking thinner.
I kept going. I had to modify a lot because I physically could not get my body to do all the moves, but I kept moving. Day after day, I went down into the basement, and I pressed play, and I worked as hard as I could in that moment on that day. It was truly insane...
My pants became looser, and I started to feel some relief from the back pain I had been having since pregnancy in 2011. I kept going.
My husband joined me too, and we became determined to master different portions of the workouts. We encouraged each other to go to it each day. (Thank you, Tim!!!)
Then came month 2. The workouts were almost an hour each, and the sequences were getting harder. I thought I was going to die some days! (persevere...)
Then one day...I actually felt like I nailed the workout. I had to keep going. I was GOING to finish!
And yes, let me be honest. There were days I was too tired. There were days that my knees were killing me. There were days after an evening of too many glasses of wine (but I still did it). I did not miss one single workout, and I did all the double days. I couldn't believe I was seeing ab muscles. I couldn't believe that I got into "those" jeans.
One of the BEST rewards? I could lift my daughter high over my head again. ...something we used to do all the time before she started weighing 30 pounds. JOY.
The workout did something else. It created a new connection between my husband and I--we chatted about how we were doing, and he was really proud of my dedication, and I was really grateful for the support and encouragement. We didn't do the workout together, but we tag teamed watching our daughter so the other one could work out. He was truly my biggest cheerleader. He was the first person to notice the changes in me. Our focus? Maris. We both have to stay strong to take care of her. I remind myself all the time that I will be 58 when she graduates from high school. I owe it to her to be as strong and healthy as possible.
On the last day, 8.18, I cried when I signed my initials. 60 days, and I did not let one excuse stop me. I did not self-sabotage. I made it. It was like I put a new cape of confidence on my back...
and today, I feel....good.
In the last 60 plus days, I have changed. I changed my body. I have lost inches all over my body, lost fat, and I actually have real muscle! I went and cut four inches off my hair, and I sat in the sun for some summer color. I got the bottom braces off. I spent the whole summer with my family. I took time to read. I played. I made some decisions about work...about the embarking school year. I changed this summer...transformed.
into a better me
I already started the next phase. My amazing hair stylist told me about T25. It's a 25 minute workout from the same trainer. I decided to commit to this new workout before school and a healthy lunch each day. A great fresh beginning. Is it hard? YES! But, in one week, I am already seeing new results. I am committing to me. I made a promise to me, and I am keeping it.
Early in the summer a friend sent me a text. I kept this little message. I think about it every day as I walk down to the basement and DO. I even decided to make it my motto for work. In fact it has become my day to day motto.
DO OR DO NOT. THERE IS NO TRY.
Sunday, August 25, 2013
Sunday, August 4, 2013
a letter to my friend--one year later 8.4.2013
sometimes you write for you...
One year ago, I lost my dear friend. I wrote to her a year ago because I had so much to say to her, and I didn't know where to put all of those words. Now, a year later...I want to take a moment to honor her, remember her, celebrate the amazing spirit she was and continues to be in my life.
I have been looking through so many, many cards and letters from her from the past ...20 years that we shared together, particularly from the last 10. We met in 1993, and our friendship grew stronger and stronger each year. Wendy was in my wedding in 2000. I can still remember calling her from the apartment I shared with my hubby-to-be. I called, got her **answering machine** (oh, how funny!), and as I rambled onto the **cassette** (even funnier) about how I needed to ask her a very important question, she picked up, and said, "Meeshka!!" and I yelled, "I'm engaged, will you be in my wedding?!" She said yes, and on 9-9-2000, she indulged me in a dress that was too long, a hairdo that she called cornrows, and dealt with me in the most crazy of my many personalities. I knew, dancing that day with her...seeing how happy she was for me--that our friendship had changed because now, we were truly friends for life.
I just wish hers had been longer.
In those cards and letters, I found her again. I found the person that I was blessed to know deeply, closely, intimately. Most of the cards were from Hallmark's Maya Angelou Collection. She and I have always been deeply fond and admiring of Ms. Angelou, and we both had the privilege of seeing her speak in person (although not together).
Tumbling out of these cards and letters in her emphatic, messy, passionate spelling were all the words I needed today-and on many days to come...as I reflect and remember-
my Wendy, a truly phenomenal woman
The card, here, on top:
"Precious jewel.
you glow.
you shine."
~Maya Angelou
Dear Wen,
Damn it. I miss you! I can't believe you have been gone a year. I can't believe how many times I have started to text, call--wished I could visit you. It has been quite a year since you left. A year...a year that I really needed you here-- oh hell, what am I saying, I have always needed you.
I made it through teaching 2nd grade. I loved the class, and I really liked the age group. Oh yeah, and I am taking this group to third. I kinda miss those little first graders, though. So, who knows what's next. Going back last year was so difficult. I missed you, and I was hurting, and I acted like I was ok. I know, I know. but that was what I chose. And--I made it through.
"You may not be a globe trekker, but you are adventurous, and you push yourself outside of your comfort zone. You are brave and you have a tremendous amount of fortitude" --you
Fall came and went so fast like it always does. The season I love the most is always gone in a blink of an eye. You were supposed to come back to see us during football season. We were going to tailgate for a Buckeye game. You were going to come visit Maris. Oh Wen, you should see her. She is incredible--the most fearless person I know, and she isn't even 2. She loves the outdoors so much, and I know that you are influencing her. I know it. There simply is no other way to explain it...you are there, in her soul-inside the little person she is becoming each day. She grabs the picture of the two of you when you came in February 2012 for our birthdays. She grabs it, and she touches it. She knocks over the picture of us from Elena's wedding. She sees you. I know she sees you. I know it, and I believe it.
"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine. I try to live my life according to that, and I see that you, do, too, perhaps unknowingly." --you
We had a forever winter--I know you know those all too well. We didn't have 16 feet of snow, but we had a lot. Tim was so happy for the snow. He was like a little kid! We went sledding, and I even had that damn snow fire I always said I was going to have! It was cold and fun--I wish you could have been here. You would have been so damn proud of me for just jumping into life.
You know, I do that more. I am still a planner (well, sorta), but I just leap. I jump up with an idea, and I say, let's go. Because of that--we saw Santa, Maris danced in the rain, we had that snow fire, we opened the second bottle on a school night (gasp), we enjoyed a happy hour in the middle of the day, I take naps and forget about the laundry, I take more walks, take Maris to the park (yes, we go to the Metro Parks!!) ---I play more and work less! And we still look into each person's eyes as we make a toast...always. Thank you for giving Tim and I that special tradition.
"I thought I'd let you know you're on my mind. Hoping you are looking forward to summer, and you will TRULY take a break." --you
It seemed like Spring would never get here. It reminded me of a card you sent telling me that you were traveling to Utah to find Spring because you were still feet upon feet under the snow. As Spring arrived, I finally graduated with my master degree. I can't believe I did it. I know you were always cheering for me. I remember that one of the last times you were here, we went for a long walk, and you said that I need to think about writing curriculum--that my *methods* were what people were looking for. Well, I don't know if I am going to do that, but I did finish that damn master degree, passed the test, and I have my admin. license. And your voice has been in my head over and over, "so what will you do next?" I have a card you sent, "Good luck with your masters, you'll rock!" I did. And I *am* thinking "now what?" And, I might have an idea. Let me get through this third loop with these rock star kids, and I will keep you posted.
So, the summer came, and you are never, ever going to believe what I have been doing? No, really, you might fall over. I, Meeshka, have been working out. EVERYDAY! No, really. I started this Insanity workout, and that is the perfect name because clearly, I have reached the point of Insanity. Oddly, it is the one thing keeping me a little more sane. I physically feel better than I have in a long time. I think of you so often when I am working out. All the time you were fighting cancer, I would be mad at myself for not cherishing my health more. Then I would hear your voice saying to stop punishing myself. I always wanted to do something that I felt would honor you more, and yes, *this* is one of the things that I feel connects us. I have also been doing more acts of kindness. I have been trying to take the negative things I *feel* and create and *DO* more positive things. And in reading your old cards, you must have seen this in me long before I did .... "You are a dynamic individual...you constantly exude kindness, compassion and empathy." Why didn't I listen to you and embrace your words? I wish you could see that I am finally beginning to live the life that you saw in me. You took me up on that mountain snowshoeing and made me believe that I could do it (and I did). One of the reasons I am still writing this blog is because of you-you believed in my writing. You heard my voice.
In the days after you left us, I felt emotions that I didn't know I could feel-how to describe-how to heal. We had Maris' 9 month photo shoot scheduled, and my photographer was worried about rain and wanted to reschedule. I wouldn't let her. I was adamant that we go to this shoot. I needed to feel joy. And there-- as soon as we got there, the sky opened, and the sun peeked out. That was you, wasn't it? Thank you. It started to pour the moment we got back into our car after an amazing photo session. Wen, you made the sun shine, didn't you? You have been here all year. A leaf falling through my sunroof, a sunny day at the zoo, rain on our tomato plants, snow days from school....it's you.
But...
I can't lie. I have had a few moments when I got angry with you. But, only a few. I won't let myself be mad because I choose to seek the comfort in knowing you aren't hurting anymore. I *have* to believe that you are at peace and not hurting anymore. I do believe it, and I believe that this beautiful night...70 degrees in August in Ohio...is your gift to us.
"Another year full of discovery and growth! Another year of long distance chats, manic moments, and crazy families, and I love you unconditionally." --you
I will always talk to you about all of these things...and you will know and keep all of my secrets.
"All is well here, what a difference a year makes. I love you and miss you"--you
A year does make a difference, and I do love and miss you indescribably.
"Now, if I can only start my memoir, you'll be the first to read it."--you
I can't write your memoir, but I can keep breathing your spirit, your energy, your beauty.
"When we see each other, it is as if not a week has passed, let alone months."--you
We will see each other .... we will.
"But, I am glad that despite the distance, we are always close." --you
"I always feel like I'm at home when I'm at your home." --you
"Life is good, mostly. I relish the moments-breathe in these collective memories that seem so inconsequential, but they are the stuff of life."--you
Oh Wen, I couldn't have said it better myself. Life *is* good mostly. I do breathe in the memories-as they are rushing past so quickly. I hold onto them tighter before they leave. I laugh more. I play more. I hug more. I say I love you more. I cry more. I live more.
I miss you. I really miss you. Sending you happy vibes as you always sent me.
Love you always,
Meeshka
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
~Flavia
One year ago, I lost my dear friend. I wrote to her a year ago because I had so much to say to her, and I didn't know where to put all of those words. Now, a year later...I want to take a moment to honor her, remember her, celebrate the amazing spirit she was and continues to be in my life.
I have been looking through so many, many cards and letters from her from the past ...20 years that we shared together, particularly from the last 10. We met in 1993, and our friendship grew stronger and stronger each year. Wendy was in my wedding in 2000. I can still remember calling her from the apartment I shared with my hubby-to-be. I called, got her **answering machine** (oh, how funny!), and as I rambled onto the **cassette** (even funnier) about how I needed to ask her a very important question, she picked up, and said, "Meeshka!!" and I yelled, "I'm engaged, will you be in my wedding?!" She said yes, and on 9-9-2000, she indulged me in a dress that was too long, a hairdo that she called cornrows, and dealt with me in the most crazy of my many personalities. I knew, dancing that day with her...seeing how happy she was for me--that our friendship had changed because now, we were truly friends for life.
I just wish hers had been longer.
In those cards and letters, I found her again. I found the person that I was blessed to know deeply, closely, intimately. Most of the cards were from Hallmark's Maya Angelou Collection. She and I have always been deeply fond and admiring of Ms. Angelou, and we both had the privilege of seeing her speak in person (although not together).
Tumbling out of these cards and letters in her emphatic, messy, passionate spelling were all the words I needed today-and on many days to come...as I reflect and remember-
my Wendy, a truly phenomenal woman
The card, here, on top:
"Precious jewel.
you glow.
you shine."
~Maya Angelou
Dear Wen,
Damn it. I miss you! I can't believe you have been gone a year. I can't believe how many times I have started to text, call--wished I could visit you. It has been quite a year since you left. A year...a year that I really needed you here-- oh hell, what am I saying, I have always needed you.
I made it through teaching 2nd grade. I loved the class, and I really liked the age group. Oh yeah, and I am taking this group to third. I kinda miss those little first graders, though. So, who knows what's next. Going back last year was so difficult. I missed you, and I was hurting, and I acted like I was ok. I know, I know. but that was what I chose. And--I made it through.
"You may not be a globe trekker, but you are adventurous, and you push yourself outside of your comfort zone. You are brave and you have a tremendous amount of fortitude" --you
Fall came and went so fast like it always does. The season I love the most is always gone in a blink of an eye. You were supposed to come back to see us during football season. We were going to tailgate for a Buckeye game. You were going to come visit Maris. Oh Wen, you should see her. She is incredible--the most fearless person I know, and she isn't even 2. She loves the outdoors so much, and I know that you are influencing her. I know it. There simply is no other way to explain it...you are there, in her soul-inside the little person she is becoming each day. She grabs the picture of the two of you when you came in February 2012 for our birthdays. She grabs it, and she touches it. She knocks over the picture of us from Elena's wedding. She sees you. I know she sees you. I know it, and I believe it.
"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine. I try to live my life according to that, and I see that you, do, too, perhaps unknowingly." --you
We had a forever winter--I know you know those all too well. We didn't have 16 feet of snow, but we had a lot. Tim was so happy for the snow. He was like a little kid! We went sledding, and I even had that damn snow fire I always said I was going to have! It was cold and fun--I wish you could have been here. You would have been so damn proud of me for just jumping into life.
You know, I do that more. I am still a planner (well, sorta), but I just leap. I jump up with an idea, and I say, let's go. Because of that--we saw Santa, Maris danced in the rain, we had that snow fire, we opened the second bottle on a school night (gasp), we enjoyed a happy hour in the middle of the day, I take naps and forget about the laundry, I take more walks, take Maris to the park (yes, we go to the Metro Parks!!) ---I play more and work less! And we still look into each person's eyes as we make a toast...always. Thank you for giving Tim and I that special tradition.
"I thought I'd let you know you're on my mind. Hoping you are looking forward to summer, and you will TRULY take a break." --you
It seemed like Spring would never get here. It reminded me of a card you sent telling me that you were traveling to Utah to find Spring because you were still feet upon feet under the snow. As Spring arrived, I finally graduated with my master degree. I can't believe I did it. I know you were always cheering for me. I remember that one of the last times you were here, we went for a long walk, and you said that I need to think about writing curriculum--that my *methods* were what people were looking for. Well, I don't know if I am going to do that, but I did finish that damn master degree, passed the test, and I have my admin. license. And your voice has been in my head over and over, "so what will you do next?" I have a card you sent, "Good luck with your masters, you'll rock!" I did. And I *am* thinking "now what?" And, I might have an idea. Let me get through this third loop with these rock star kids, and I will keep you posted.
So, the summer came, and you are never, ever going to believe what I have been doing? No, really, you might fall over. I, Meeshka, have been working out. EVERYDAY! No, really. I started this Insanity workout, and that is the perfect name because clearly, I have reached the point of Insanity. Oddly, it is the one thing keeping me a little more sane. I physically feel better than I have in a long time. I think of you so often when I am working out. All the time you were fighting cancer, I would be mad at myself for not cherishing my health more. Then I would hear your voice saying to stop punishing myself. I always wanted to do something that I felt would honor you more, and yes, *this* is one of the things that I feel connects us. I have also been doing more acts of kindness. I have been trying to take the negative things I *feel* and create and *DO* more positive things. And in reading your old cards, you must have seen this in me long before I did .... "You are a dynamic individual...you constantly exude kindness, compassion and empathy." Why didn't I listen to you and embrace your words? I wish you could see that I am finally beginning to live the life that you saw in me. You took me up on that mountain snowshoeing and made me believe that I could do it (and I did). One of the reasons I am still writing this blog is because of you-you believed in my writing. You heard my voice.
In the days after you left us, I felt emotions that I didn't know I could feel-how to describe-how to heal. We had Maris' 9 month photo shoot scheduled, and my photographer was worried about rain and wanted to reschedule. I wouldn't let her. I was adamant that we go to this shoot. I needed to feel joy. And there-- as soon as we got there, the sky opened, and the sun peeked out. That was you, wasn't it? Thank you. It started to pour the moment we got back into our car after an amazing photo session. Wen, you made the sun shine, didn't you? You have been here all year. A leaf falling through my sunroof, a sunny day at the zoo, rain on our tomato plants, snow days from school....it's you.
But...
I can't lie. I have had a few moments when I got angry with you. But, only a few. I won't let myself be mad because I choose to seek the comfort in knowing you aren't hurting anymore. I *have* to believe that you are at peace and not hurting anymore. I do believe it, and I believe that this beautiful night...70 degrees in August in Ohio...is your gift to us.
"Another year full of discovery and growth! Another year of long distance chats, manic moments, and crazy families, and I love you unconditionally." --you
I will always talk to you about all of these things...and you will know and keep all of my secrets.
"All is well here, what a difference a year makes. I love you and miss you"--you
A year does make a difference, and I do love and miss you indescribably.
"Now, if I can only start my memoir, you'll be the first to read it."--you
I can't write your memoir, but I can keep breathing your spirit, your energy, your beauty.
"When we see each other, it is as if not a week has passed, let alone months."--you
We will see each other .... we will.
"But, I am glad that despite the distance, we are always close." --you
"I always feel like I'm at home when I'm at your home." --you
"Life is good, mostly. I relish the moments-breathe in these collective memories that seem so inconsequential, but they are the stuff of life."--you
Oh Wen, I couldn't have said it better myself. Life *is* good mostly. I do breathe in the memories-as they are rushing past so quickly. I hold onto them tighter before they leave. I laugh more. I play more. I hug more. I say I love you more. I cry more. I live more.
I miss you. I really miss you. Sending you happy vibes as you always sent me.
Love you always,
Meeshka
"Some people come into our lives and quickly go. Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
~Flavia
Tuesday, July 9, 2013
7.8.2013
~for this teacher, the end of the year brings hibernation followed by reflection...
I can recall watching Oprah long ago, and she was doing one of her shows on aging gracefully—whatever that means, and she made a comment to a woman who was in her early 40’s. She said to the woman that when you turn 40, a light comes on, a clarity arrives, and your perspective changes. I think I was in my early 30’s at the time.
I can recall watching Oprah long ago, and she was doing one of her shows on aging gracefully—whatever that means, and she made a comment to a woman who was in her early 40’s. She said to the woman that when you turn 40, a light comes on, a clarity arrives, and your perspective changes. I think I was in my early 30’s at the time.
As I was headed toward 40, I often thought of that comment. It wasn’t the only time I had heard this proclamation. My mentor at work told me the same thing one day over lunch – she said that something just clicks when you hit 40.
So, now as I am headed toward 42, I question this “click”- this “light”- this “clarity”
…no, I am not delusional enough to think that upon the stroke of midnight at the end of 39, there would be an awakening –but it is something I have been wondering since that birthday.
On my phone, I use the “notes” section to jot down my thoughts, my questions, my a-ha’s—
yet--for much of this year-2013, I have used it as an outlet for words that I kept inside-words I chose not to say-words I pushed away, stuffed into a little fragment of a sentence on a fake page on a cell phone
…looking at this page now, scrolling through the random words, some in all caps-some with exclamation marks following, some even misspelled (gasp!), looking to see if there was a “light” a “click” a “clarity” that revealed my foray into the 40’s…I saw something completely different
Teen angst.
Yes, I was taken aback as word after word that I shoved onto this device revealed what I could have written at 16… anger, frustration, self-doubt, jealousy, lack of confidence, sadness, denial, disappointment, wonder, hope, joy, pride, gratitude, confidence, self-assurance… and a plan to change- to conquer-to prevail-all intertwined on a yellow wall with brown lines…
Line after line of these quieted stifled emotions…
So, I get all the way to my 40’s for what? Teen angst?
Then, I looked through all the words
–even though they were all typed in, they still looked like scribbles, rambles, tangent after tangent… and I realized that within those very lines were the clarity and the light
I didn’t say all those things—I didn’t share them-
well, that’s not true. I shared them with very few people (and if you are reading this—you know I am talking about you…thank you)
But… I didn’t act or react to all of those thoughts and feelings. I closed them in-kept them for only me-for when I was ready to face them, or in many cases, toss them aside,
Or better yet, I decided that I would NOT allow them to have any meaning-I would not let them matter
-I left them behind, just black words on a yellow page on an iphone app…
CLICK.
Sunday, April 28, 2013
I did it...the story in black and white-for me...4.28.2013
The path to 41 has begun. In the weeks that have passed since February 19th, my world has changed in many ways.
AT LAST, I achieved what I wondered if I could…I completed my master degree internship project, and I received an A, and I AM going to graduate with my master degree in Administration, along with a principal’s license on May 11th.
This educational journey-this path to my career has been one of the longest…and warranted a level of perseverance that I wasn’t sure I actually possessed…
….in 1981, I wanted to be a teacher or a writer…
This piece of my journey…
--Actually began long ago-in 1989.
I can still see where I was standing on the staircase of our home-a twin single about 1500 square feet smaller than our previous home-
The home we had to move into in the middle of my senior year-
The home I found for my family in the back of the Eastside Messenger newspaper when I was 17-after learning that my current home had just been foreclosed on…we lost our home and had just weeks to find a new place. My parents were so deep into this cloud of dark despair and anger with one another-that finding a new home was left to me…
--even now, I am not actually all that surprised that I was the one responsible for “fixing” this…
So, I was standing on the stairs talking to my mom about college, and it hit me. There was no money for me to go. The same person who found her family a new home in the classifieds was delusional enough to think that there was a secret “college fund.” I used to have to give up much of my babysitting money to buy groceries—what was I thinking??
--now, as I type this, I am still stunned that I believed this fallacy…
My parents had enough money to pay for my first quarter at OSU. $735.00 in September 1990. With no more money, I dropped out in December.
I began to work 2 jobs-one at Kroger, where I had been working since 1988, and one at a linen store in Scarborough Mall. I got laid off from there, and I began my second job at the Gap (I can fold really well-sell add-ons, cinch it with a belt)—
--oddly enough…these days were some of my happiest J
My parents were able to get a PLUS loan, and I returned to school in September 1991. My first class that semester was English 110…I got to write the whole semester—and I loved being back on OSU’s campus…ahh Fall.
--Campus in the fall…still makes me smile. Eventhough I lived at home, I spent a lot of time studying, err, partying on campus.
I was back to working just one job-but about 35 hours a week. I just didn’t seem to grasp the amount of studying I needed to do to stay afloat-to maintain any sort of GPA…I loved the sociology classes, and I did really well in British Literature—any class that required writing-not papers, but writing as a craft, I attended-literally and figuratively. But classes like MATH, biology…even Psychology and many of my child development courses—which were, sadly, memorizing and regurgitating on long scantron tests…were avoided- I skipped class and did very little studying. I enjoyed the content of the child development courses, but the format bored me—and I disengaged…which sent my GPA diving even further.
No one told me that one poor grade in college erased about 4 good grades. But, I never asked either. I just thought…”I’ll try harder next quarter...”
---looking back now, I still feel like such an idiot!!
1992, and a new president stepped in office. He opened up student loans to people like me. My family wasn’t below the poverty line…but now, I, too, could get some help.
---I can still recall feeling like I wasn’t succeeding if I wasn’t in college??…
It took me 6 years to finish. This is common today, but back then, as I passed the “you should be graduated my now” mark of 1994, I felt ashamed. Inside, I felt like a failure. By 1996, even my boyfriend at the time couldn’t believe I was still in college—
---and I knew that graduate school was NOT where I wanted to go…get your masters at the same time??-I didn’t know anyone who was doing this…and now, I am so thankful I waited—I couldn’t grasp an integrate my learning from undergrad, let alone add in new information that had no place in my life, yet…
In the Winter of 1996, I took my last finals…and I waited. I was in grave danger of not passing. I needed a D in Statistics, or I would have to come back Spring Quarter. On a Thursday morning, I walked to the math building, and I met my Stats professor. She told me that they base the curve on the lowest score…which was mine. I passed with a 51% (yes, crazy). Later, as I sat by the phone on a Thursday afternoon, I prayed the next answer would come before my 3-1130 shift at work.
Finally, the phone rang … I passed Speech and Hearing with a D-.
I sat there and sobbed. I would graduate with my BS in Family Relations and Human Development. I was going to graduate with a 2.34 GPA.
--Pathetic. I was relieved and excited, but really just felt pathetic.
--I had no job…
--my mortar board at graduation blinked with flashing lights around a puffy paint message, “no, I don’t know what I am going to do.”
In the final 3 years of my degree, the media was heavily invested in this definition of my generation…Generation X, they called us. My generation was described as…lost. Highly caffeinated and lost.
I fit this bill. I stayed at Kroger where I was making more money than I could with my degree. I finally moved out of my house, and I switched to the catering division with Kroger. I planned events…worked crazy hours, drank a lot of coffee and a lot of beer…and went through the motions of the day. I applied for other jobs, sought a head hunter, networked…but nothing.
--I was 26…when was I going to get my life together??
I met my now husband in 1998. I still remember thinking, “woah, he has a real job.” I never felt like I had a real job. All those years in college, and ….still stuck.
--Looking back…I know now that ”stuck” is a mindset…
I went back to OSU in 1998. I was going to work toward an M.Ed in Home Economics. The advisor told me I needed to bring my GPA up to a 3.0. I started taking classes…after two semesters on nutrition and economics and fabrics…I was only at a 2.43. I would need about 20 A’s to bring it up to a 3.0… complete failure. The advisor advised me WRONG…but I didn’t do the math, either…that “stuck” mindset was winning…
--I wrote in my journal: On February 24th 2000, I will have a new job.
Not soon after, I got a call from my best friend. There was a job opening at Head Start. It was a pay cut, but it was an open door. I went to the interview and did my best to impress the panel.
On February 24th, 2000, I was offered a job as a family service worker at Head Start. (yes, really on that exact date).
--“stuck” is a mindset…
About a year later, I overheard a conversation from one of my co-workers. She found a program at Ohio Dominican where she could get her Pre-K-3 teaching license. The GPA requirement –at the time- was 2.5.
--time to take a chance…on me.
I called and met with the most inspirational advisor…he sent me to Columbus State to take a few courses: PE for teachers, Art for teachers, Geography, Chemistry, Physics…told me to work hard.
I did. I worked my ass off. Geog/Chem/Phys were BRUTAL. Study and spit out. I memorized the periodic table, maps of the world, and formulas. I sat in the front row, came early to class, stayed after to ask questions, and made new friends.
I accumulated more student loans.
I did it. Within a year, I had the requirements completed for the program…and my 2.43 was now a 2.5-barely (see how hard it is to move a GPA?....I got A’s in all my classes except geography-B and physics-B)
I started at Ohio Dominican in the summer of 2002. I finished in December of 2003. All A’s J Only one B+ in Music for Teachers where I had to learn to play the recorder (thanks SDB). I even added in my Reading Endorsement, and I passed all my Praxis exams.
--I was so close!!
Finally!! I was going to be the teacher I had dreamed of becoming…
I started subbing in the winter of 2004, and I got a long term gig doing Intervention in K-1 in Reynoldburg. I loved my new teaching family. I loved the school… I found my home.
--not quite.
I was not hired for the next year…I made a few errors in my interview-
--one was not being ME-….BIG mistake.
…And, there is always a political game…(that was a tough lesson to learn)
I did two summer school sessions, and asked around, looked hard…and I got an interview in Whitehall. I went to that interview…
--and I was ME.
I was hired 20 minutes after I left my second interview.
About 40,000 dollars later, and many, many, many classes past my undergrad…I was a teacher.
In 2007, I began the trek toward my master degree. I desperately wanted to go back to OSU—prove I could do it-be academically, statistically successful.
--to prove?? Don’t know…
My GPA, now a 2.8…was not enough to get in.
---take the GRE, they said. ---take a few classes as a non-degree, they said.
I did both. I studied and studied and studied and studied for the GRE. I took 2 amazing classes, earned A’s and gained support from the respective professors.
NO ENTRY.
And then…the next summer…I studied and studied and studied and studied, and I took the GRE again (not a free test, btw). The professors appealed to the board and recommended me.
NO ENTRY.
--why can’t I get a break, I wondered??
Reluctantly, I applied to Ashland. Started in a teacher leader program and switched to administration.
Each class…1500.00 out of my own pocket. No fee waivers from Ashland…no entry to OSU. But…I wanted to get my masters. I had to prove this to myself.
Prove what? I’m still trying to figure that one out…
3.5 years in….I became pregnant. After 5 years of trying to have a baby, we were blessed.
--can I do all this??
I took 3 classes while 6 months pregnant. I took 1 just 2 months after she was born. I took 2 the summer she was 8 months old. I took one, along with a year long internship in the fall of 2012, along with a grade level change. I took my principal praxis in December of 2012.
My master project was submitted on April 4th. GPA: 3.8. Only 2 B’s. Another 18,000.
…so this piece of my journey comes to a close. People are actually asking me what I am doing next…TAKING A BREAK!
--(although I am changing grades again-off to third, heading a committee and mentoring…but those are things I WANT to do…I ENJOY doing…things that FEED me).
--yet…
…in the hours, days, and weeks that followed, I felt a sense of a letdown—partly from all of the pressure having disappeared…and partly because I had this expectation of how I thought others would react…
…I’m still trying to figure that one out—expectations are tough. I am so hard on myself-insanely hard on myself…but is that fair to be that way to others? I don’t exactly know where the balance is, but I felt…
Let down.
--and so I decided to write it all out…so I could see my own path, clearly, sequentially…so I could see in black and white the thing I preach each day to my own students…the thing I am proud of ME for…
Perseverance.
It works.
Sometimes, it just takes time.
...and a lot of help along the way...I am forever grateful to those who stood by me when I wasn't sure if I could keep going...you know who you are...I love you.
...and a lot of help along the way...I am forever grateful to those who stood by me when I wasn't sure if I could keep going...you know who you are...I love you.
...two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less travelled by…
Monday, March 11, 2013
the end of 40...
I began this quite a bit ago…and I have been sitting on it a bit-
(2.18.2013) Tonight is the end of my 40th year. I started this a year ago by simply writing my musings after “week 1” of 40. And then, after 6 weeks, I finally decided to write it as a full blog-something a few people had been encouraging me to do. As life often intersects and interrupts life, my “weekly” stint became “biweekly,” and sometimes “tri-weekly.” It’s amazing what can reveal itself in 365 days…what changes and what stays the same…and what will be gone forever.
As a new mother taking on a new position at work (yes, for those of you who aren’t in education-a new grade is a whole new position), along with a full internship to complete my master degree, I felt this desire to pen the happenings, the dailies, the ins and outs, the ups and downs.
I’m not entirely certain of all that I learned because just when I felt I “learned” some grand “life lesson”-it transformed, changed, altered-sometimes so rapidly that I simply couldn’t keep up with the pace, and sometimes so emphatically slowly that I couldn’t bear to be in its space another moment. The number of times I screamed, “Let it go” … well, I lost count at about 246.
With that said…a few early “noticings”…
1. When you write a public piece, suddenly people begin to think there are parts that are about them—to those of you who wondered—you should have asked. I would have told you the truth— It’s called a blog for a reason.
2. Years ago I vehemently avoided texting. Now, I know why. It is a blessing and—a curse, no a bulldozer. It can connect and disconnect in a few words, maybe a whole sentence. It can be a shadow to hide behind or a bright light to shine and share. ….with that, I still text.
3. Career is a fancy name for job.
Fast forward, now it is 3/11/2013. Tonight I was talking to someone…someone who knows me very well. She has known me for 8 years, and she met me when I was going through a terrible time at work. Since then, she has been privy to my greatest dreams and my darkest moments.
Sooo, we were talking about my big 40th year…and I was telling her that it began with a huge regret (this is only the second regret I have ever had-the first being NOT going away to college) that spiraled into all these relationships that changed. It took me away-mentally, emotionally, physically- from my greatest joy—my daughter-left me wounded, vulnerable, and plain sad (and I …I let that happen…damnit damnit).
… Then just as I was beginning to piece it back together and prepare for a new school year with a “fresh” start, my dear dear friend died. I told myself it wasn’t my fault-that I could take no blame-that I was a true friend to her- but I did, I did blame myself (why didn’t I? I should have? I could have?)…day after day… I crawled inward and hid from everyone. And when I was finally ready to look outward again, it surprised me that within distorted and hazy view, I didn’t see anyone coming to find me. Yet, how could they? I had pushed them all away. I was “fine.” (hell, I am still trying to convince myself of this).
… And then as my 40th year was coming to a close, I was faced with something I could never have prepared for—to support a friend when I couldn’t find understanding-rationale-agreement, but whom I loved too dearly to turn away from…it was too much
Tonight as I told this person how I felt that all of these things clouded-jaded my 40—she said the most amazing thing to me: “But aren’t all years like that--?” Yes, she agreed, I faced some pretty dark days, but haven’t other years been difficult? Well, yes.
I have been listening to a lot of Oprah radio on XM. I have heard some profound things…1. This moment is all I have right now. Be in it. It will be over soon. This moment is what IS. 2. I am allowed to change my mind-it is ok. And I don’t have to apologize for it.
3. and, I DON’T need others to validate me….I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am a good wife, mom, teacher, friend, daughter, sister…why??
The truth is—I am a good wife. I know this because taking care of my husband, laughing with him, talking at the “table” with him, and baking him cookies makes me happy-I love him. I am a good mom. I can’t believe I keep waiting to hear that!! Being a mom is the best thing I have ever done…it is my real “career.” I love her with my whole heart. Tonight, I taught her how to feed her babydoll a bottle and how to put toys in a basket to clean up. Tonight, she ate the puff pastry pocket with chicken, leeks, and corn that I made her with broccoli and shallots. Tonight she sat on my lap while we read It Looked Like Spilt Milk (whomever bought that for her for her birthday—she loves it). And tonight, she hugged me. I am a good teacher. I am a better teacher now that I am a mom (it is actually true-everything the mom/teachers told me would happen-did). I know I am a good teacher because my ideas come to me at random moments (like blow drying my hair), and I change my whole day in 5 minutes based on the kids. I make decisions that are best for them. When a kid walks to the trash can with a book in his hand because he can’t put it down—that’s how I know. (sorry data charts). I am a good teacher because I am real to them-not perfect-real. I am a good friend because when I am your friend, I am your friend. I am loyal. I am honest (too much, I know). And when I’m sorry—I am really sorry, and I will make it right (also known as fight like hell—I believe relentless is the word). And I know I am a good daughter and sister. If you know me in the real world, I need not explain further… I love my family. We are little, we are off-center, but I love them.
I am not waiting for validation because it is within me!
So, it’s time to say good-bye to the year that was…I’m still standing. I might not be fine, but who is? Things might not look like they did, but it’s going to be ok. It might not feel ok right now, but it will, in moments it will, and these moments are all I have …and they keep passing me by…so I need to be in them, and that is the greatest lesson of all…even when the moment is hard, when it hurts, when it puzzles and distorts, it will pass into one that feels easy, joyous, answers questions and opens the path to the next…
41 … the moments are waiting for me.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
weeks 44/45/46 1/27/2013--the time escapes these days!!
"If you're gonna make a change and you're gonna make it through this, you're gonna have to operate from a new belief that says life happens not to me but for me."
— Tony Robbins
As we move into the new year, it suddenly hit me, damn-this 40 thing is almost over-I am going to be 41. Why does 41 sound crazily older than 40? Blah.
When I started this blog-my intention was to chronicle all that was happening with me:
My new “age”… which simply cannot be altered (more on that in another post)
My foray into motherhood after 5 years of waiting for this blessing…
My career change moving from a grade I taught for 8 years to a new grade…
My work to complete an internship and master degree…
I wanted to record all that was happening to me. I don’t know if I did, but I do know that I am not the person I was 365 days ago…NOT BY A LONGSHOT. So much has changed in my world. And, as much as I have tried…I cannot go back.
No, no no NO…I don’t exactly want to “go back.”…but so much changed all at the same time that I found myself almost drowning in this quicksand with me grabbing at all the familiarity that was sinking, disappearing—
So, I decided to LOOK back…and trace the path-
The journey I saw-was exhausting!! (another post at another time)
…but alas… this is where I am …this is what is. (btw, this is a drastically different phrase than the one I LOATHE-"it is what it is"--)
Why did I travel this journey …? I travelled this long and crazy road because I did NOT want to turn 40 and wonder “what if…”….
I am 40, and I don’t have to ask what if. I finally became the teacher I always wanted to be…with hard work, determination, perseverance, and a lot of loans. I did not give up. I sat on top of a mountain at age 29 with two dear friends, EM and WN, and I said, “I don’t wanna be 40 and wonder what if…”—no, really, we sat on top of a mountain in the middle of Colorado, and I did, indeed, say those words—petrified of what “30” meant. “I don’t want to be 40 and wonder what if…”
And now…here I am at 40 with this crazy internship (I am soooo CLOSE), and I have this “new” marriage where it is not all about the 2 of us anymore and this new position at work where I am fighting like hell to just fit in and be accepted when I don’t know how to be “still”
…and then there is motherhood.
Why do all the moms lie? Why do they act like it is so easy? Why doesn’t anyone tell the truth? I have this amazing daughter who is all smiles and happiness. But, this motherhood gig is NO JOKE. It is all day, all night, every second of every minute of every hour of every day…never ending.
YES, I knew this. But to know it and to feel it --- two different things…very different things.
Yet, as hard as it is—maybe the reason no one tells the truth is because it doesn’t feel like work in the same way that this master degree does, that this new position at work does…not even in the way a marriage can.
It is hard. But …
the difference between where I am in motherhood and all the other roles is that she places no demands on me. She just wants me to “see” her, to love her, to smile with her, tickle her, play with her, …to see her.
the other roles want more…but this one doesn’t… I don’t think I realized this until I typed these words.
She just wants mommy to love her.
I know the years ahead will bring more challenges, and there will be demands, but in this year…she has only asked me to love her. And that…is effortless is a way I –well in a well that redefines the word ---effortless.
It’s funny—in a shake your head in disbelief and amazement sort of way
… because if I had to speculate the most difficult piece of being 40 and all of these changes…I would have placed money on any bet and claimed: new mom-hardest part.
…once again, life proves me wrong and surprises me –
Tuesday, January 1, 2013
week 41 42 43 of 40...1.1.2013 happy new year!!
2012…what a year!!
So, the other day I told a friend of mine that this post had to wait. A few weeks ago, I was ready to post something completely different. But then…I thought upon it.
Greatest lesson of 2012: think upon it before you speak or act upon it. I am self-admittedly UBER reflective, but often, I am not PRE-reflective. I learned some tough lessons this year about SHUTTING MY BIG MOUTH. But, the only problem is---shutting up contradicts one of my greatest convictions: “If I don’t say it, I never said it.” (then I have to live with the knowledge that I said nothing…UGH)
I think…I KNOW …I am beginning to understand the fine line between shutting up and speaking out.
And now…a few favorite moments of 2012…
(btw, I really love the effect of an ellipse…I actually speak in ellipses all the time)
(also, these are in no particular order—that was too much damn pressure—and I am over that!)
…any and every moment my eyes connect with my daughter’s big blue eyes-the intense sparkle when they perfectly connect with mine-in a split second every trouble is washed away and replaced by pure raw JOY!
…every conversation with my best friend—she is the only person who knows who I was before…before most of my current friends ever walked in my pathway—we laugh about the same crazy stuff that we have since 1986 when she kindly said to me in gym class (a place both of us loathed), “hey, I think you’re in my French class, too”—she has been there this entire year, never walking, never letting me push her away, prying and prying until I would talk---my favorite conversations with her are every one we share…
…the night I made THE perfect butternut squash and roasted chicken risotto!!
…sitting on the patio with Tim singing Manfred Mann-trying to remember the words-trying to sing the front and the background, laughing hysterically (and undoubtably tipsy tipsy)
…sledding with my daughter , taking her to the zoo, fingerpainting with her, reading books, letting her throw her stuff all over the house, taking her to see Santa, reading Twas the Night Before Christmas, going to the library, dropping off books with her to donate to others, going swimming, rolling a wagon through Lynds fruit farm, getting her out of bed in the morning (good morning Snugs!), watching her take her first steps, give her first hugs (sometimes they come with a bite!), spending lots of money on photo shoots and pictures (and worth every cent) to capture her first year, letting her crawl in the dirt, going on hikes as a family, watching her love momma’s Bolognese sauce, seeing all the love for her at her first birthday party (I don’t regret going over board—NOT ONE BIT!), taking her shopping, her slobber kisses, pushing her on the swing—HIGH, helping her stir soup on the stove, rolling around on the floor, singing, dancing, tickling, and kissing her a million trillion times---promising myself that I will always do these things…
…the look on Taylor’s face when she saw I was doing the Polar Express again (JOY!!)
…dancing …I need to do it more!! …the feeling when you move crazily to a cherished favorite song…perfect moment in time
…sitting at Betty’s with my sweet friend Wendy, whom I lost this year…it was a conversation I will forever cherish…damnit I miss her terribly….terribly…Wen, you would be so proud of my girl—I take her outside all the time, she loves it, she has no fear, she looks out the window at the moon and the snow…she has a piece of you in her heart…I see it every day. …please always watch over her…
…hearing my students ask if I will go to third grade…
…my special lunch date with my best friend’s daughter who told me emphatically at the beginning of her mani/pedi: “I know what I am asking for next year for my birthday!”—how blessed I am to be in both of her amazing daughter’s lives—those girls are smart, beautiful and kind
…eating bone marrow with my hubby for the first time—sitting at a bar at one of our favorite restaurants, talking to the bartender, letting a guy move over to make room for us and then the whole bar just sat and became friends, laughing, smiling, eating!
…all the times in the kitchen, cooking, singing, drinking wine…sometimes with my hubby and sometimes with friends…my kitchen table is my favorite part of this house
…all the little text messages that say: “I love you” “You can do this” “I believe in you”
…my 40th birthday…and the encouragement of a few people who encouraged me to start a blog (you know who you are…)
…opening my necklace from my hubby with my daughter’s name
…lunches with mom
…reconnecting with my oldest childhood friend…I love her…endlessly
…watching my daughter learn to SNAP from her loving sitter
…the moment I read what my dad wrote for my daughter’s time capsule on her birthday…I know it will become one of her most prized possessions…I know it
…the night 2 of my dearest came to help me with the prep for the BIG party!...honest conversation …priceless
…the day I spent with my friend and her little daughter who is just a few days older than mine—she defines STRENGTH…and I need to tell how much I admire her…
…the way my mom’s eyes light up when she sees her grand-daughter
…favorite books …the 50 Shades Trilogy…simply because they were an escape, a chance to drink wine and read in the dark, moments for myself …moments for myself
…favorite songs: Things Are Changin’(acoustic version) by Gary Clark Jr.—thanks Starbucks for the free download/ Diamonds by Rhianna/Another Round by Fat Joe and Chris Brown/Speedway by Counting Crows/Leave You Alone by Young Jeezy and Ne-Yo/That Wasn’t Me by Brandi Carlile...these are the ones I played over and over and over that I just discovered in 2012…
…favorite new product: Smashbox photo primer! And Urban Decay liner!
...frying up some killer chicken with some lifelong friends
...frying up some killer chicken with some lifelong friends
…watching my girl come down for her first real Christmas and seeing her little kitchen (just like momma!)(she was only 6 weeks old last year)
…the truth is…I could go on and on and on..
…coffee dates, a quick “glass” of wine, chats in the hallways of my school, hugs, post-its, little cards, pedi dates…
…all of the chances I have been given to try again in my marriage, as a parent, as a daughter, in my career, with my friends…Someone told me recently that sometimes you just take different paths in life at different times…and all I can do is try to be the best “me” I can be—well said….and my path is wide open, like an untouched wash of snow…
…oh, and forehead kisses…all the little kisses on the forehead. I do love those.
Farewell 2012. I am grateful for you. Hello 2013…you give me hope. Hope.
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