Before
I begin, let me just briefly address my last post. It was an opinion. This blog is my words, my thoughts, my
reactions, my experiences. I wanted to
talk about a difficult subject (the notion of choosing happiness) through which
I felt many people might find a connection.
What I found, however, was that many people thought I was reaching out,
putting too much “out there,” asking for attention, and generally a person who
was hurting far past a “bad day.” If you
are in my world, and you know me in real life...well, that’s all I can say
about that. If you have stumbled onto
this blog outside of my world, I hope that my intention reached you in a way
that may have made you think.
The
truth is…when you write, and you are putting your words into the world, you do
expect a reaction…isn’t that, after all, why we communicate, read, write,
paint, and simply interact and share with others? Without any reaction in the world…then what’s
the point? Life is all about
interactions and reactions…
And
now onto my post…
“There
comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world
because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were
stuck on.”
~Zayn
Malik
Happy New Year! Welcome 2015
It
is a new year. Last year, my word was
REDO…and somewhere along the year, I felt like I wasn’t redoing, I was
reverting.
My
five days of working out became 4 (sometimes 3 by September). My plan to redo pieces of my house starting
in February didn’t happen until September, and my basement still looks like the
set of a Hoarders. The thoughts and
plans I made in my mind to move forward and “let go” were halted simply because
I let nothing go…I don’t know how, or I didn’t see how.
My
goal of living life in the moment was probably the one thing I actually truly
maintained. I started napping when I was
tired, leaving toys around the house, randomly cooking 4-5 things at a time,
entertaining more on the spot, eating more hamburgers (probably not the best
idea), having more mother/daughter dates (even the ones at home when I do her
nails), taking the first family vacation, jumping in the pool for swim lessons
with my daughter (even without perfect thighs), having more date nights with my
hubby (I think we blew our budget on wine), deciding that I would scrap the
lesson “plan,” and read a book with my class for an hour, playing with my
daughter when she said, “Mommy, you wanna play wit me? My wanna play wit you mommy.” And in the middle of the mess of life…there
was more laughter, much more laughter—the kind where you laugh until you have
tears running down your face.
So,
as the year was winding down, I looked back at some of the messes of my
life. I did, in fact, hit a rough
patch. I wasn’t sure what was wrong with
me (but I was definitely avoiding whatever is was), but I knew I had to address
it…begin to fix it. Some of the pieces
fell into place quickly, and some are still untwisting themselves. Most of these winding roads…I kept to myself,
as I often do. I am usually “fine.” So, I learned a valuable lesson this
year…”fine” isn’t the best answer (even though I am still guilty of it), and I
learned a lot about who is really and truly in my deepest darkest corner (the
one where I hide).
thank
you…
So,
after I began to slowly break through the fog, my focus was quickly shifted
…the holidays were here! I embraced
them, I hosted Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and the big Buckeye/Bama
game. I had friends over, and I cooked
and cooked. I even finished a WHOLE book. I didn’t even shop until December 21st
and 22nd! This was NOT me…
Why? Because I wasn’t a freak. I wasn’t losing my shit over the TO DO
list. Something inside me began to
shift. Was I suddenly not “Michelle”
anymore?
No.
But
a new piece of me was emerging…and not the one you might expect to read about
in the coming sentences:
…a
me that was TIRED …so TIRED of worrying about everyone else, about fixing
friendships, and apologizing until my lips hurt from saying, “I’m sorry.” I was tired of walking on eggshells, of
over-reflecting every conversation, of over-indulging people, of trying to be
this “person” for everyone. Yes, it is
true that I love to take care of people.
That has not changed, but taking care of someone doesn’t mean chasing
after them over and over…when they aren’t chasing back. I was tired of running and chasing…with no
finish line in sight.
I
was rereading old journals recently, and I was tired just from reading my
words. Yet, I was empowered by reading
my words…the “tired” made me realize that one of my greatest tools to the
“messes” was right in front of me. It
wasn’t in all of the races and chases and pleading words…it was in the words I
had written…in between the messes and the twisted ropes were the moments I want
to remember the most in my life.
the day I got the call that I would actually
graduate from OSU (by the hair of my chinny chin chin)
the gratitude journal I started when I moved
in with my best friend
the day I met my husband (even though was
“done” dating)
the day my best friend walked down the
aisle
the day I walked down the aisle, and when we
smashed cake all over each other
the day I sat on a mountain in Colorado with
two of my dearest friends and decided I really wanted to become a teacher
the day my brother got married…I gave a speech
and cried the whole time
the many days that created the 3 musketeers
the day
we surprised my mom on her 60th birthday
the day
my dad painted my bedroom with me (a beautiful Tiffany blue faux finish) and we
ate meatloaf sandwiches on the front porch
the days
I held my best friend’s 2 daughters…and the day she held mine
the day I was hired as a teacher
the days spent with some of the finest (6) and
most amazing friends and teachers (many more) I know
the days spent on the patio and around my
kitchen table with so many friends
the days spent on a deck with a friend who
always asks me “what’s next?”
the days this past summer with a dear dear friend
and both of our families (a moment we often wondered if it would happen)
the days of cooking with wine pouring and
music playing
the day I saw two lines…I was pregnant
the day Maris was born, and the look in my
husband’s eyes—the baby was a girl…the happiest day of my whole life
~and
I could go one and on….because all of those moments were in the journals…
~and…I
don’t want to be stuck on a page. I want
to turn the page.
so,
with that…my word for 2015 is simple:
Write. Just Write.
Write.
