weeks 44/45/46 1/27/2013--the time escapes these days!!

"If you're gonna make a change and you're gonna make it through this, you're gonna have to operate from a new belief that says life happens not to me but for me."

—  Tony Robbins

As we move into the new year, it suddenly hit me, damn-this 40 thing is almost over-I am going to be 41.  Why does 41 sound crazily older than 40? Blah.

When I started this blog-my intention was to chronicle all that was happening with me:

My new “age”… which simply cannot be altered (more on that in another post)

My foray into motherhood after 5 years of waiting for this blessing…

My career change moving from a grade I taught for 8 years to a new grade…

My work to complete an internship and master degree…

I wanted to record all that was happening to me.  I don’t know if I did, but I do know that I am not the person I was 365 days ago…NOT BY A LONGSHOT. So much has changed in my world.  And, as much as I have tried…I cannot go back.

No, no no NO…I don’t exactly want to “go back.”…but so much changed all at the same time that I found myself almost drowning in this quicksand with me grabbing at all the familiarity that was sinking, disappearing—

So, I decided to LOOK back…and trace the path-

The journey I saw-was exhausting!! (another post at another time)

…but alas… this is where I am …this is what is.  (btw, this is a drastically different phrase than the one I LOATHE-"it is what it is"--)

Why did I travel this journey …?   I travelled this long and crazy road because I did NOT want to turn 40 and wonder “what if…”….

I am 40, and I don’t have to ask what if.  I finally became the teacher I always wanted to be…with hard work, determination, perseverance, and a lot of loans.  I did not give up.  I sat on top of a mountain at age 29 with two dear friends, EM and WN, and I said, “I don’t wanna be 40 and wonder what if…”—no, really, we sat on top of a mountain in the middle of Colorado, and I did, indeed, say those words—petrified of what “30” meant.  “I don’t want to be 40 and wonder what if…”

And now…here I am at 40 with this crazy internship (I am soooo CLOSE), and I have this “new” marriage where it is not all about the 2 of us anymore and this new position at work where I am fighting like hell to just fit in and be accepted when I don’t know how to be “still”

…and then there is motherhood. 

Why do all the moms lie?  Why do they act like it is so easy?  Why doesn’t anyone tell the truth? I have this amazing daughter who is all smiles and happiness.  But, this motherhood gig is NO JOKE. It is all day, all night, every second of every minute of every hour of every day…never ending. 

YES, I knew this.  But to know it and to feel it --- two different things…very different things.

Yet, as hard as it is—maybe the reason no one tells the truth is because it doesn’t feel like work in the same way that this master degree does, that this new position at work does…not even in the way a marriage can. 

It is hard.  But …

the difference between where I am in motherhood and all the other roles is that she places no demands on me.  She just wants me to “see” her, to love her, to smile with her, tickle her, play with her, …to see her.

the other roles want more…but this one doesn’t… I don’t think I realized this until I typed these words. 

                                                 She just wants mommy to love her.

I know the years ahead will bring more challenges, and there will be demands, but in this year…she has only asked me to love her.  And that…is effortless is a way I –well in a well that redefines the word ---effortless. 

It’s funny—in a shake your head in disbelief and amazement sort of way

… because if I had to speculate the most difficult piece of being 40 and all of these changes…I would have placed money on any bet and claimed:  new mom-hardest part. 

…once again, life proves me wrong and surprises me –

week 41 42 43 of 40...1.1.2013 happy new year!!

2012…what a year!!

So, the other day I told a friend of mine that this post had to wait.  A few weeks ago, I was ready to post something completely different.  But then…I thought upon it. 

Greatest lesson of 2012:  think upon it before you speak or act upon it.  I am self-admittedly UBER reflective, but often, I am not PRE-reflective. I learned some tough lessons this year about SHUTTING MY BIG MOUTH.  But, the only problem is---shutting up contradicts one of my greatest convictions:  “If I don’t say it, I never said it.”  (then I have to live with the knowledge that I said nothing…UGH)

I think…I KNOW …I am beginning to understand the fine line between shutting up and speaking out. 

And now…a few favorite moments of 2012…

(btw, I really love the effect of an ellipse…I actually speak in ellipses all the time)

(also, these are in no particular order—that was too much damn pressure—and I am over that!)

…any and every moment my eyes connect with my daughter’s big blue eyes-the intense sparkle when they perfectly connect with mine-in a split second every trouble is washed away and replaced by pure raw JOY!

…every conversation with my best friend—she is the only person who knows who I was before…before most of my current friends ever walked in my pathway—we laugh about the same crazy stuff that we have since 1986 when she kindly said to me in gym class (a place both of us loathed), “hey, I think you’re in my French class, too”—she has been there this entire year, never walking, never letting me push her away, prying and prying until I would talk---my favorite conversations with her are every one we share…

…the night I made THE perfect butternut squash and roasted chicken risotto!!

…sitting on the patio with Tim singing Manfred Mann-trying to remember the words-trying to sing the front and the background, laughing hysterically (and undoubtably tipsy tipsy)

…sledding with my daughter , taking her to the zoo, fingerpainting with her, reading books, letting her throw her stuff all over the house, taking her to see Santa, reading Twas the Night Before Christmas, going to the library, dropping off books with her to donate to others, going swimming, rolling a wagon through Lynds fruit farm, getting her out of bed in the morning (good morning Snugs!), watching her take her first steps, give her first hugs (sometimes they come with a bite!), spending lots of money on photo shoots and pictures (and worth every cent) to capture her first year, letting her crawl in the dirt, going on hikes as a family, watching her love momma’s Bolognese sauce, seeing all the love for her at her first birthday party (I don’t regret going over board—NOT ONE BIT!), taking her shopping, her slobber kisses, pushing her on the swing—HIGH, helping her stir soup on the stove, rolling around on the floor, singing, dancing, tickling, and kissing her a million trillion times---promising myself that I will always do these things…

…the look on Taylor’s face when she saw I was doing the Polar Express again (JOY!!)

…dancing …I need to do it more!! …the feeling when you move crazily to a cherished favorite song…perfect moment in time

…sitting at Betty’s with my sweet friend Wendy, whom I lost this year…it was a conversation I will forever cherish…damnit I miss her terribly….terribly…Wen, you would be so proud of my girl—I take her outside all the time, she loves it, she has no fear, she looks out the window at the moon and the snow…she has a piece of you in her heart…I see it every day. …please always watch over her…

…hearing my students ask if I will go to third grade…

…my special lunch date with my best friend’s daughter who told me emphatically at the beginning of her mani/pedi:  “I know what I am asking for next year for my birthday!”—how blessed I am to be in both of her amazing daughter’s lives—those girls are smart, beautiful and kind

…eating bone marrow with my hubby for the first time—sitting at a bar at one of our favorite restaurants, talking to the bartender, letting a guy move over to make room for us and then the whole bar just sat and became friends, laughing, smiling, eating!

…all the times in the kitchen, cooking, singing, drinking wine…sometimes with my hubby and sometimes with friends…my kitchen table is my favorite part of this house

…all the little text messages that say:  “I love you”  “You can do this”  “I believe in you”

…my 40^th birthday…and the encouragement of a few people who encouraged me to start a blog (you know who you are…)

…opening my necklace from my hubby with my daughter’s name

…lunches with mom

…reconnecting with my oldest childhood friend…I love her…endlessly

…watching my daughter learn to SNAP from her loving sitter

…the moment I read what my dad wrote for my daughter’s time capsule on her birthday…I know it will become one of her most prized possessions…I know it

…the night 2 of my dearest came to help me with the prep for the BIG party!...honest conversation …priceless

…the day I spent with my friend and her little daughter who is just a few days older than mine—she defines STRENGTH…and I need to tell how much I admire her…

…the way my mom’s eyes light up when she sees her grand-daughter

…favorite books …the 50 Shades Trilogy…simply because they were an escape, a chance to drink wine and read in the dark, moments for myself …moments for myself

…favorite songs: Things Are Changin’(acoustic version) by Gary Clark Jr.—thanks Starbucks for the free download/ Diamonds by Rhianna/Another Round by Fat Joe and Chris Brown/Speedway by Counting Crows/Leave You Alone by Young Jeezy and Ne-Yo/That Wasn’t Me by Brandi Carlile...these are the ones I played over and over and over that I just discovered in 2012…

…favorite new product: Smashbox photo primer! And Urban Decay liner!

...frying up some killer chicken with some lifelong friends

…watching my girl come down for her first real Christmas and seeing her little kitchen (just like momma!)(she was only 6 weeks old last year)

…the truth is…I could go on and on and on..

…coffee dates, a quick “glass” of wine, chats in the hallways of my school, hugs, post-its, little cards, pedi dates…

…all of the chances I have been given to try again in my marriage, as a parent, as a daughter, in my career, with my friends…Someone told me recently that sometimes you just take different paths in life at different times…and all I can do is try to be the best “me” I can be—well said….and my path is wide open, like an untouched wash of snow…

…oh, and forehead kisses…all the little kisses on the forehead.  I do love those.

Farewell 2012.  I am grateful for you.  Hello 2013…you give me hope. Hope.