"If you're gonna make a change and you're gonna make it through this, you're gonna have to operate from a new belief that says life happens not to me but for me."
— Tony Robbins
As we move into the new year, it suddenly hit me, damn-this 40 thing is almost over-I am going to be 41. Why does 41 sound crazily older than 40? Blah.
When I started this blog-my intention was to chronicle all that was happening with me:
My new “age”… which simply cannot be altered (more on that in another post)
My foray into motherhood after 5 years of waiting for this blessing…
My career change moving from a grade I taught for 8 years to a new grade…
My work to complete an internship and master degree…
I wanted to record all that was happening to me. I don’t know if I did, but I do know that I am not the person I was 365 days ago…NOT BY A LONGSHOT. So much has changed in my world. And, as much as I have tried…I cannot go back.
No, no no NO…I don’t exactly want to “go back.”…but so much changed all at the same time that I found myself almost drowning in this quicksand with me grabbing at all the familiarity that was sinking, disappearing—
So, I decided to LOOK back…and trace the path-
The journey I saw-was exhausting!! (another post at another time)
…but alas… this is where I am …this is what is. (btw, this is a drastically different phrase than the one I LOATHE-"it is what it is"--)
Why did I travel this journey …? I travelled this long and crazy road because I did NOT want to turn 40 and wonder “what if…”….
I am 40, and I don’t have to ask what if. I finally became the teacher I always wanted to be…with hard work, determination, perseverance, and a lot of loans. I did not give up. I sat on top of a mountain at age 29 with two dear friends, EM and WN, and I said, “I don’t wanna be 40 and wonder what if…”—no, really, we sat on top of a mountain in the middle of Colorado, and I did, indeed, say those words—petrified of what “30” meant. “I don’t want to be 40 and wonder what if…”
And now…here I am at 40 with this crazy internship (I am soooo CLOSE), and I have this “new” marriage where it is not all about the 2 of us anymore and this new position at work where I am fighting like hell to just fit in and be accepted when I don’t know how to be “still”
…and then there is motherhood.
Why do all the moms lie? Why do they act like it is so easy? Why doesn’t anyone tell the truth? I have this amazing daughter who is all smiles and happiness. But, this motherhood gig is NO JOKE. It is all day, all night, every second of every minute of every hour of every day…never ending.
YES, I knew this. But to know it and to feel it --- two different things…very different things.
Yet, as hard as it is—maybe the reason no one tells the truth is because it doesn’t feel like work in the same way that this master degree does, that this new position at work does…not even in the way a marriage can.
It is hard. But …
the difference between where I am in motherhood and all the other roles is that she places no demands on me. She just wants me to “see” her, to love her, to smile with her, tickle her, play with her, …to see her.
the other roles want more…but this one doesn’t… I don’t think I realized this until I typed these words.
She just wants mommy to love her.
I know the years ahead will bring more challenges, and there will be demands, but in this year…she has only asked me to love her. And that…is effortless is a way I –well in a well that redefines the word ---effortless.
It’s funny—in a shake your head in disbelief and amazement sort of way
… because if I had to speculate the most difficult piece of being 40 and all of these changes…I would have placed money on any bet and claimed: new mom-hardest part.
…once again, life proves me wrong and surprises me –
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