week 37 and 38 of 40 11.24.2012

As the end of this Thanksgiving weekend draws closer and closer (darnit!), I wanted to share a few moments of gratitude.

One thing I know for sure about myself is that I am a grateful person. Saying “thank you” is not simply verbage…I mean it when I say it, and I strive to be grateful and to show true appreciation for all that I have and all that I am given.  The same goes for other sentiments…such as saying “Happy Thanksgiving.” Again, it is not a social grace…I mean it when I say it.  Funny… I wished several people Happy Thanksgiving over the past few days, and I heard some crickets.  Well, I guess I would prefer the silence over an obliged “ditto.”

With that … some truthful  gratitude.

A few things I am simply grateful for…

My senses…being able to hear, see, touch, taste, and feel around this life every day…

My beliefs…I know what I believe in, and I actually have a strong faith—

I am so thankful I learned to love to cook…it is one of my greatest stress relievers. Some go to the gym—I start chopping…

My family-there IS function in dysfunction-

Red wine (see above)

My ability to stand for certain things…and not falter with “the crowd”—I actually know a lot about myself, and I finally am beginning to see that “belonging” is something I care less and less about every day—

Black leggings—I have about 15 pairs, all exactly the same-

The friendships I have nurtured and loved …the ones that have grown and blossomed…the ones I know are there for me, not just when “things” happen…but when “nothings” happen-(thanks S)

The health and spirit of my daughter…watching her grow strong and healthy is a blessing beyond words-I worry every minute of every day for her—but when she laughs and smiles at me, when she RUNS (she is running now), and when tells me “no”…I know she is developing into her own little self-eventhough, in my eyes, she will always be little…just little.

Vaseline-it does everything.

My husband—because he didn’t walk away when I pushed him away and because, even now, he still doesn’t walk when I push…or even when I tug and pull- and he still plays with my hair …

Starbucks—no explanation needed-

Listening to my students talk like me—sometimes it is silly (“um, did you say bless you, I sneezed!”  “you better tidy this desk”  “seriously!”  “don’t worry, I won’t forget to read”) it is a simple reminder how much I can influence them…they love reading—they love writing—and THEY help ME with the math –

ONLINE SHOPPING

Peanut butter and Pizza…2 of the world’s greatest foods ever invented!

Chilly fall days, my favorite season-

The ability to make mistakes…and make them, and make them, and make them…

Cozy, fuzzy socks

The power of perseverance!!

My crazy insane memory…and my adoration of nostalgia-

MUSIC-and its ability to transport that crazy memory back to many places and times…

Slobber kisses from my little girl

My health, my job, my home—I have the things I need…honestly, I have more than I will ever need.

Fires on chilly nights

Spanx-yeah, the secret is out.

Hugs and snugs…I do a Friday hugging ball with my students…(of course we hug other times), but these are the hugs that are the tightest—the ones where they hold on and hold on

Great books—you know the kind that linger with you—the kind that disappear and then reappear in your mind over and over—the kind that leave passages that change over time in your life…

Volumizer and mascara—lots of both.

Writing.

gratitude.... thank you for reading :)

34 35 36...I have been a little busy... 11/13/2012

"It often seems, looking back, that the unexpected comes to define us, the paths we didn't see coming and may have wandered down by mistake. The older we get the more willing we are to follow those, to surprise ourselves."

—  Anna Quindlen

Reflection is more than just thinking upon things..stewing about them.  Being open to growing and changing is more than looking backward and acknowledging “yeah that was messed up,” or “that was such a great decision.”

Sometimes you have to go back and really look at events, decisions, timelines, to figure out how to go forward.  Recently, I looked back.  I decided to look into the past to see if it could help me understand where I am now—how I choose actions, reactions, create timelines, now, today.

What I found is that I do forgive. Not just others, but I forgive myself.

But then, I never forget.  I have this ridiculous memory.  My husband calls it my steel trap (a huge benefit and caveat in a marriage…).

I don’t forget.  If you said it to me…I remember.  If you said we talked about something, I know what I was wearing-where we were standing-what song was playing. And it is rare that I get these details wrong. Not only do I remember all of the details…I know exactly how I said what I said, and I know exactly what you said—contrary to what you think you said. I also know what your face looked like…what your body language said.  I remember it all. Sounds like a detective, right? Maybe…except my feelings are part of the memory---and I don’t forget that either. Scrap detective as a second career choice.

And I am grateful for this trait. I mean it should stop me from making any future mistakes. With this insane ability to recreate situations gone wayward in my past…I should have 20/20 for the future…

But no.

The thing with mistakes is that the lesson is learned.  It is taken in, given a reference number, logged and secured. Yet, if this is true, how do we make some of the same mistakes over and over again?

 I asked this question to a friend recently, and the reply was so simple, yet eerily alarming. The reply was that it is not really about whether or not the lesson was learned…because it was.  It is simply whether or not you choose to listen to it and make a different decision.  OHHHHH.  WOW. 

I wish I had thought of this sooner.  I mean I apply this philosophy to eating.  As in “I will not eat those fries.  I have had them before, and I do not need them again. I choose not to eat them because I know I will gain weight if I eat them.”  I have been able to make a decision regarding food, and stick with it.  Or, “I will not open my new Oprah magazine until I clean the kitchen.  I choose not to read it until I have my cleaning done so I don’t feel overwhelmed and mad at myself like I have in the past.”

But then…then why was it when I was a young single girl, I could never stick to the decision of “I will not call him.  He can call me so I don’t look like a desperate punk like I have in the past”  (this was before texting….which is pretty much the greatest gift and worst evil ever).  I mean I would always give in and call him…even though I knew he would let it go to the answering machine (no voicemail then either). I knew the outcome because I had learned my lesson, but yet, I failed in the decision making department time and time again. 

So, I guess both of these scenarios show very different viewpoints of “decision making.” 

….This blog post has been sitting for well over a week.  Reading it now, it still says what I believe to be true about mistakes and reflecting on them.  It still reveals my ability to forgive…but not forget.  Yet, in this past week, I began to think a little differently about making those same mistakes over and over and whether or not what my friend said was true:  we learn the lesson, but it is what we choose to do with the lesson…

I do make some of the same damn dumbass mistakes over and over.  I do get mad at myself when I do this--AND YES, some mistakes need never to be repeated...and WON'T

But what about looking at some of the dumbass mistakes as second chances?  What about giving “the decided” a breath of indecision?

Am I learning?  Yes.  Are there some mistakes that I won’t dare tread closely to?  Yes.  But are there chances out there that I am willing to tiptoe up to …whisper closely with…

“A chance is like a picture. It’d be nice if you’d just take it.”  (Drake)

The answer is …maybe….to “surprise myself.”