It’s 7:33 pm.
I just walked downstairs from putting my
daughter to bed…and subsequently checking on her. Checking on her because of the day we have
endured. A day that left me feeling like
#momfail.
WAIT.
She’s up. I forgot to close the gate. She’s standing here next to me…to get a
drink, of course, from my giant water.
Yes, it’s a giant jug of water. I
don’t even have the energy to pour a glass of wine. Yeah, that should offer a little
foreshadowing into this blog post.
She is next to me
pouring my jug of water into her cup and back and forth, and OH! Yep…she just spilled the water. I am not really saying much: “Well, go get a towel from the drawer.” Now, she’s cleaning the table, getting more
towels?? Oh, nevermind. She’s using my cloth dinner napkins. I calmly tell her to put them in the laundry
room and go to bed (perhaps one of the 7 calm sentences I have said all
day). She replies with, “You need to go
get ready for me (turn on the music, cover her, pet her). I tell her no. She tells me, “My wanna read a book.” I can’t say no to this, especially since we
just came from the library, and she has 6 new books. PAUSE.
(this is the MIDDLE)
BACK TO BED.
Prior to 7:33 was
a combination of a broken recording (my voice) and an unfocused shaky camera
lens(her body). It was a day filled with sweet
hugs, a no-tantrum ponytail, a snuggle after her nap…and other "moments."
HOLD ON.
OH….here we
go. She is UP again. 8:14.
(no, she will not sleep a minute past 6 no matter how late she stays
up).
I’M BACK.
This new “get up”
routine started about 3 months ago or so….along with a myriad of “problems.” Problems that began at school with a
transition change.
Today…I lost my
cool. I snapped at her. I used the wrong tone. There was a tap. Today.
She cried. Today.
I cried. Today…I apologized over
and over. I held her over and over. I
wiped tear after tear. #momfail
Today, she
yelled, told me no. She swatted at me
and did the whole “I’ll laugh in mommy’s face because she is angry.” She kicked.
She threw herself on the ground.
She told me, “not today” for every request I made. #momfail
I tried all of my
“tricks.” Stay calm. Ignore.
Don’t engage. Praise. Noticing.
Thumbs up. Dinner out/trip to a
new library (change of scenery). NOTHING
worked. So, I kept snapping. I even raised my voice a few times. #momfail
When I walked
away from her bedroom the first time tonight (before her encore performance
descending down the stairs)…I was thinking about something I read
recently. We are having a lot of
challenges with her current preschool classroom. I read that one of the mistakes I make is
that I react too quickly. She needs to
problem solve and to calm herself down some of the time. I am so focused on all the things I keep
hearing are “wrong” with her that I am hyperfocusing/overreacting. #momfail
Instead of
helping channel her spirit, I worry I am so pressured by the “wrongs” that I am
squishing her too much. Today was me
reacting, me being angry because I feel like I am failing her, me winding up
tight only to unravel in seconds.
#momfail
Today was
hard. Really hard. The words may not a rival Alexander and
the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day, but it was hard because I
felt like I really let her down today as a mom that she can count on and learn
from…Today was a day filled with …#momfail
(not a Pinterest
mom fail/not a social media mom fail….a mom fail that I take on myself …she learns by watching me…watching ME)
#momfail
Oh YEAH :)…FINALLY SLEEPING
(**my shining
reader in the MIDDLE…)
We read two
books. She is really embracing repeating
lines, predicting rhymes, and she uses her finger to trace big bolded
words. She likes to use the pictures
clues and the emotions drawn on the characters’ faces to talk about how the
characters are feeling… and she was snuggled up on my lap the whole time. That is what my gut and heart say to use as
my “interventions,”
What she watched today was not
acceptable.
Tomorrow I get to
try again. I pray in a few years that
she doesn’t recall this day (her memory is wicked). I will try again. I will not let the pressure of a few people
and their notions of whom my daughter “should” be alter what my gut and heart
tell me. It isn’t that today isn’t OK….it’s
that today is ok with me-in my views And I am her champion advocate. I am. Tomorrow. #momwin
My wish for all
of you mommies out there…to know it will be ok.
And for me,
tonight: a big bowl of ice cream and the RHONYC !!!
