Have you ever written the date, looked down, and realized “hmmm, I know that date…”
And then you remember.
A birthday. Of someone who is no longer in your life- and hasn’t been for a long while.
Today that happened to me. I was in class, and I wrote the date. I stared at the numbers for a few minutes. Why did I know 7/23?? Ahh. It was a former boyfriend’s birthday.
When I say former—I should actually say from another lifetime. It was over 20 years ago. I have no idea where he is now. He was a good guy with very blue eyes.
Yet, looking at that date-brushing by a series of memories- got me thinking.
How have I changed since then, and how have I stayed the same?
What parts of me left…
What parts stayed…
What mistakes did I make then-
And what mistakes do I CONTINUE to make (UGH)
You know, the ones you never-ever-seem to learn from?
Here, 20 years later, I know a few things. (and I am sure there will be more of these to come)
1. Back then I played the blame game. It was someone else’s fault. I was a “victim” of circumstance. I don’t do that anymore. When “it” happens—whatever “it” may be—I reflect and question how and why, but in the end—I own it. Lesson learned.
2. Back then I had little respect for trust. I just assumed that I was not trustworthy, and I assumed others were not trustworthy. Over time (much time)…I think I began to trust too easily. I let that part of me completely go…let all the walls down. I “over-learned” my lesson. I think I want a little part of that “reservation” back.
3. Back then…if I said something—chances were I would not change my mind. Now, I think I am more open to changing my mind, but I rarely do.
4. Back then, I wasn’t the nicest person. I’m still not. I don’t know a single person who have ever described me as “nice.” But not being “nice” has little to do with me being a “good” and “giving” person.
5. Back then, I liked to have the last word—still do. Sometimes, I am just relentless. I take perseverance to a new level. Sometimes, I just CANNOT let something go. It irritates me that I cannot move forward without beating something into the ground. THIS is a lesson I have not fully learned…to let go. Ugh, just typing those words is hard.
6. Awww….just a quick flashback…Boomerang was such a great movie. It still is. “love should brought your ass home last night”…”I know this” 2 of the greatest movie lines (yeah, I USED to watch movies)
7. Back then, I always wanted one more drink—I didn’t want the fun to be over. Yep, still the same. I drink more water at the end, though J Lesson partially learned.
8. Back then, I skipped classes all the time—I wasn’t ready. I have no idea why…but I have spent the last 15 years paying the price for that. Literally and figuratively. A year from now…my “issue” from #5 will be a benefit when I will have FINALLY completed my master degree. This lesson needed time (and apparently lots of it).
9. Back then, I let some wonderful friendships slip out of my hands…Now, I fight and fight for them to remain. (again #5)
10. I have an intuition…I know when something is up. I have been like this since way back then—perhaps part of the mistrust. Still, to this day, I know…I know when something’s going on. I know. (and then #5)
I have always reflected…and I have written in journals for years and years. A few months ago, someone said to me, “let your thinking today be the thinking of non-thinking.” I could never figure out how to do that…I wanted to- I did- but I couldn’t make it happen. I appreciate this space to learn and grow…and to see that I am, indeed, learning and growing. So, thank you for reading…and maybe, you, too, are learning and growing with me.
No comments:
Post a Comment