week 26 of 40 ...I'm back :)

Summer 2012…all I can say is …wow…you rocked me to the core. But, I’m ok.  I am ok.

~~~Thank you to JV for this:

“when you're in a storm, close your eyes and endure it

the lessons you will learn just might help you climb that next mountain

---and conquer it”

This week…a  simple list…

Just a few things that have been giving me:

happiness…joyfulness…peacefulness…

·         making tomato pie with tomatoes and basil from my backyard…oh the salty crust…

·         the hummingbird that hangs out in my flower pot on my patio (how do their wings go sooooo fast?)

·         watching my daughter snap her fingers-and hearing the slightest sound of an actual snap

·         avocado (with salt)

·         meeting new people –and hearing “I want us to be friends,”—that was a good moment at a sad time

·         coffee-lots of it

·         spontaneity…

·         watching my daughter crawl to her daddy when he comes home (she races to him)

·         making photo books of my daughter—she is beautiful, smart, and happy…she is JOY

·         sitting on a patio with my husband talking about how our lives have changed so much in such a short time and vowing to enjoy and embrace it all

·         dancing to a favorite song with a friend

·         my bluetooth feature in my new car—completely hands free for talking, laughing, catching up

·         the sun streaming through my back door

·         my new classroom-a blank canvas for______???  (isn’t that the best part?)

·         driving with the windows down and listening to music that stays with you, and then leaves you with an A-HA

·         the unconditional love my friends show me…in so many little ways…

·         the sound of my daughter imitating me singing a little song…she has been actually humming the tune of a song I made up—I heard her do it twice today…the first time I couldn’t believe it, the second time I cried

·         the clink that you hear when you are toasting life and the slight echo that says, “this moment is real, this moment is now, cherish this moment”…and always looking the people around you during that directly in their eyes (thanks WN-I will do this always)

      Good-bye Summer 2012…and hello to my favorite season…

"No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." -Anonymous

(working on this, working on this, working on this…)

A letter to my friend.

Sorry for skipping a week. I lost a very special friend last weekend.  The days that have drifted in and out since I got that horrible phone call have been filled with a myriad of emotions…pain, sorrow, joy, hurt, anger, happiness, complacency, emptiness, confusion, peace…some in waves, some overlapping, some all at the same time. Some have lingered, some have left, and some have shone through … 

This is a letter to my friend.

Dear Wendy,

Even typing “Dear Wendy” is painful.  I don’t know if I ever wrote you a letter that began so formally.  Let me start over…

Wen,

Hi.  I just wanted to pop in and tell you a few things.  I know you already know them, but I wanted to tell you again.

I love you.  I miss you.  When I heard that you were gone, I was in shock.  I thought we were in “this” for the long haul.  You were the one always telling me to do what I needed to do to take care of ME.  And with that said, I have to know the same is for you-was for you.

When we met so long ago, we were college kids. I noticed your smile….it was so pretty. Yet, I remember noticing right away that you had what they refer to as an “old soul.”  Yes, you were always smarter than me, but you were also so much more connected, so much wiser, so much more reflective.  You taught me how to do that.  Maybe I never told you this, but it was you who told me to reflect back—to grow and learn from myself.

I was so happy that we met, and now, looking back, there are snapshots of memories that flash in my mind…

Like the hole you burnt in my car floor mat with your clove cigarette…

Like the letter you read to us in my car from a boyfriend who still wanted you back and you didn’t know what to do

The road trip we took to Chicago –you read The Deep in of the Ocean on the trip---you could barely put the book down—but when we were on the last leg of the trip, Elena and Jordance were in the back sleep sleeping, and I was driving.  We had the most amazing conversation ever—and that is when I knew we were friends for always-we had a connection. You “got me” and I “got you.”

We went to Hocking Hills, and I met all your other friends.  I remember feeling I didn’t fit in—but you told me that I was crazy.  You always made me feel like I fit…I had the most amazing time on that trip.  You showed me another world that I didn’t know.  It’s called NATURE. J I promise to teach Maris this too….I promise.  She will always know of her Aunt Wendy. Always.

I can still see you at Mekka, on NYE.  Brownie Mary was playing, and you said it would be a blast.  I watched my former vegetarian friend eat sausage that night.  I don’t think you went back to being all veggie ever again.  The bar was so crowded—my feet hurt.  We laughed so much that night.

I remember calling you after I got engaged—your answering machine picked up (as it always did), but you grabbed the phone when you heard me say, “I have an important question for you”—and then I asked you to be in my wedding.

I still remember telling you in the van on the way to the church that I would never let my mom run my life again…it took me awhile, but I am so glad that you saw me finally do it little by little—you always stood there watching, not understanding, but supporting.

I can still see myself sitting in my car in the parking lot of Columbus State Child Care calling your number after getting a page from you…”I have cancer” you said…and then the next sentence:  “I am going to fight it, and I will be ok.”  Cancer didn’t know who it was messing with—you kicked its ass. So many times as you were fighting, I would think…if Wen can do this…I can do___. You were always an inspiration…not figuratively—literally.  You gave me strength…I hope I told you that.

When I came to Denver for the first time, you whisked me up a mountain, splashed me down a creek-got me addicted to Sex in the City (and I cry again now…we made a pact to only watch the movies together, and we never saw Part 2—damnit!…) It was on that mountain in Denver—after seeing waterfalls for the first time—that I told you and Elena I wanted more.  You supported me as I went back to school to get my teaching degree at 29.  You cheered for me always… Wen, I am going to get that master degree.  I am.  Promise.

At Elena’s wedding, your hair was growing back from all of the chemo…You let me style your hair in the bathroom.  You looked so lovely. We danced with the pig, we laughed, we drank too much…I remember you lost the flower from your dress, and you were secretly happy because you said the flower wasn’t “you..”  J

I remember so vividly seeing you so happy in Leadville.  The snow was so peaceful. You were celebrating 5 years cancer free, and I felt so much pride.  You were the person who was always so successful in my eyes.  You were a free spirit –so intelligent  --so grounded.  I left that visit wanting to be more like you-but I didn’t know how.  You took me snowshoeing, and I wish I had told you that dredging my feet up that snowy mountain with vigor and positivity was for you.  I wanted you to be proud of me.  I think you were.  I don’t know why I wanted that so much, but I did.  I still do.  When I came home from that trip, I told Tim…”she is happy.” I was so proud of you—so in awe of you. 

I can see all the nights we sat at my table, drinking wine…until our teeth were purple.  We talked about everything.  You always told me to put ME first. I can still hear you saying, “and how is that helping YOU?” and …damnit, you were always right. 

The night we grilled pizza, the night we went to the Wine Fest at the Franklin Park Conservatory, the first time we ate raw oysters at Barcelona, the day we say Sex and the City Part 1 (after everyone else already had), and we cried.  We had no idea it would be so emotional.  Then we met all your friends at the Ocean Club…oh you loved the “truffled” anything!!

I can see you at Nordstrom trying on that little blue shirt. “Too fancy” is what you said.  It became your favorite shirt.  We went to the Ocean Club this evening also…oh, we really racked up a large bill that night-then we went to Fados—the perfect summer evening.  I remember the dry ice in our martinis made you laugh--

I see you beating my ass at Scrabble, dancing in my living room (oops, there goes the red wine on the carpet), sitting at the Rossi telling me that the salmon was “definitely farm raised!!” I see you at the Jersey shore putting on sunscreen for about 15 minutes and yelling at me to do it, too! I see you at the Urgent Care –both of us terribly hungover—because you really twisted your ankle-we had to go and get you crutches! There was so much snow outside…all we could do was laugh and hold our aching heads.

You encouraged me to recycle, to hike, to take care of our world.  Your dedication to our world truly touched me, inspired me, and it changed how I take care of our world..how I teach my students. Honestly, you did that. I would never have done some of the things I have without your encouragement. I know you would deny this…but it is simply the truth.  You changed me…impacted me, and now, you are a part of who I am every day. No, I am not being grandiose, as you would say, I am being real. J

I see you hugging your friends, saying “hi” with that beautifully sweet sincere voice.  I can hear it now “hi.”  …I miss that. I miss it.

I see you getting in the car for our last visit.  I picked you up at the airport on your birthday. You looked so beautiful.  Your skin glowed with joy.  When you held Maris…she looked at Aunt Wendy.  I am so unbelievably grateful that you had a chance to meet her….to see Tim and I finally have a baby. You taught me not to give up…you told me over and over that I could not give up. I listened to you.  Thank you.

We went and got massages—you were always telling me to pamper myself, and now I tell everyone else. We got our nails done—we shopped.  You bought me the coolest shirt for my birthday.  We went to Bettys…and we had one of our last really amazing conversations face to face…  I told you that day as I did so many many times—you need to finish your memoir!!  Your story needed told… now, it is up to all of us to tell it… I promise to do my part. 

I see you in the car on the way to my birthday party…I see you at Barcelona, toasting life.  You told Tim and I that when you toast, you must always look into each person’s eyes.  Tim and I will do this for the rest of our days, and we will always always think of you…

I could go on and on because as you know, there are a millon little moments I didn’t mention…but these are the fast flashes. I see your face every day.  You were such a damn good person in your heart and soul.  You were always looking for the good…you were the person I would tell people, “Wen is just really nice.”  Nice is not a word that I could use to describe many people.  Nice is hard to be…you were nice, truly nice and kind and loving.  I said it earlier, but I wanted to be like you…I still do.  Yet, I know you are a part of me inside my heart…you have shaped who I am today. I truly am better for knowing you, for loving you, for having you in my world….and in so many others’ worlds.

I taught you to text and to use Facebook.  One of your last voicemails to me was at the beginning of July.  I still have it.  On it you said you were reading my blog and catching up on my life.  You told me in the message that you were so grateful to be a part of my “balance beam.” You told me not to call you back (as you always did)…you told me you loved me.  You texted me a week later telling me you loved me “immensely.” My last text to you was on Thursday before you left…it was a picture of Maris that said “I love you.”   I do, I love you.  So many love you, so so many.  You were one hell of a woman—a spirit like yours will carry on… I know this and I believe this.

The other day, I went walking.  You were there.  I know it. I could feel it.  I asked God for peace, and the sun brightened. I asked God for comfort, and the breeze blew.  I know it was you.  Tim said it is almost like you are the mother of nature now…As I type this, the sun is shining brightly.  That, my friend, my sweet, sweet friend, is all you. That is how I find peace now. I find it knowing you are at peace.  I find it knowing you are still here-in a hundred little ways all around me. I know this. I believe this. I believe this. I believe this.

I apologize that this letter is all over the place.  You told me once to keep writing, and I will. I promise. 

When you left for Denver all those years ago, I had no idea how strong our friendship would become.  I am so blessed…so blessed. You are forever a part of who I am..forever a part of our family. I love you, Tim loves you, and Maris loves you.

I didn’t go to your going away party all those years ago—I told you Tim was sick.  I lied.  I couldn’t say good-bye.  I still can’t, and I won’t.  I will just say…see you later. Keep shining.

Love you always,

Meeshka, Mich, Michelle

P.S.

~you loved this song--hell, we both LOVE it... (we loved the movie-remember when we made Elena watch it, I don't think she liked it as much, ha ha!!)...it makes me think of you....as I cry, I know, "there's beauty in the breakdown."  ....

P.S.S. Oh, and one more thing...because I know you would ask me...  I'm going to be ok. No, really, I am. Promise.

week 23 of 40... 7/30/2012

Let's start off lightly~~~
So, I think I might not like Blizzards anymore...
I KNOW!!!!!!
~~ever since I ate them over and over while pregnant--they just do not taste the same. 
I have eaten two--just two, since my daughter was born 8 months ago, and both times...eh..not that great (yes, I realize this is a positive thing)

and now...
I have mentioned my mind racing games.
I am fairly certain that I could be an Olympic champion in mind racing---the wires move pretty fast up there.

Lately--I am really becoming exHAUSTED with all the thinking, over-thinking, and re-thinking.  UGH.

I am ... in the beginning stages...of being ready to move on. to start letting go.

This 40 thing.~~~~~~ It is alleged (you know "they" say--who are "they" anyway) that at 40, you begin to really find out who you are-what you're made of.

Hmmm, what do I know about me???

For starters~~~I am tough.  Yeah, you see my emotions, sometimes, but I am tough.  Like the gambler--I know when to walk away, and I know when to run. That is one thing I know I re-learned this past week-a voice I really heard.  I am finding out about myself more and more~like a rediscovery.  Yep, I'm tough.  And that is a solid start. 

~~ and I almost feel compelled to ask, do *you* know something about yourself?


Yes.  I know when to walk away, and I know when to run...
now...to simply put those words into action...

but, then, when do you stay?  when do you know when to stay where you are?....

~until next week.

week 22 7/23/2012

Have you ever written the date, looked down, and realized “hmmm, I know that date…”

And then you remember.

A birthday.  Of someone who is no longer in your life- and hasn’t been for a long while.

Today that happened to me.  I was in class, and I wrote the date.  I stared at the numbers for a few minutes.  Why did I know 7/23??   Ahh.  It was a former boyfriend’s birthday.

When I say former—I should actually say from another lifetime.  It was over 20 years ago.  I have no idea where he is now.  He was a good guy with very blue eyes.

Yet, looking at that date-brushing by a series of memories- got me thinking.

How have I changed since then, and how have I stayed the same?

What parts of me left…

What parts stayed…

What mistakes did I make then-

And what mistakes do I CONTINUE to make (UGH)

You know, the ones you never-ever-seem to learn from?

Here, 20 years later, I know a few things. (and I am sure there will be more of these to come)

1.   Back then I played the blame game.  It was someone else’s fault.  I was a “victim” of circumstance.  I don’t do that anymore.  When “it” happens—whatever “it” may be—I reflect and question how and why, but in the end—I own it.  Lesson learned.

2.   Back then I had little respect for trust.  I just assumed that I was not trustworthy, and I assumed others were not trustworthy.  Over time (much time)…I think I began to trust too easily.  I let that part of me completely go…let all the walls down.  I “over-learned” my lesson.  I think I want a little part of that “reservation” back.  

3.   Back then…if I said something—chances were I would not change my mind.  Now, I think I am more open to changing my mind, but I rarely do.  

4.   Back then, I wasn’t the nicest person.  I’m still not. I don’t know a single person who have ever described me as “nice.”  But not being “nice” has little to do with me being a “good” and “giving” person. 

5.   Back then, I liked to have the last word—still do.  Sometimes, I am just relentless. I take perseverance to a new level.  Sometimes, I just CANNOT let something go.  It irritates me that I cannot move forward without beating something into the ground.  THIS is a lesson I have not fully learned…to let go.  Ugh, just typing those words is hard.

6.   Awww….just a quick flashback…Boomerang was such a great movie.  It still is. “love should brought your ass home last night”…”I know this”  2 of the greatest movie lines (yeah, I USED to watch movies)

7.   Back then, I always wanted one more drink—I didn’t want the fun to be over.  Yep, still the same.  I drink more water at the end, though J  Lesson partially learned.

8.   Back then, I skipped classes all the time—I wasn’t ready. I have no idea why…but I have spent the last 15 years paying the price for that.  Literally and figuratively. A year from now…my “issue” from #5 will be a benefit when I will have FINALLY completed my master degree.  This lesson needed time (and apparently lots of it).

9.   Back then, I let some wonderful friendships slip out of my hands…Now, I fight and fight for them to remain.  (again #5)

10.                I have an intuition…I know when something is up.  I have been like this since way back then—perhaps part of the mistrust.  Still, to this day, I know…I know when something’s going on.  I know.  (and then #5)

I have always reflected…and I have written in journals for years and years.  A few months ago, someone said to me, “let your thinking today be the thinking of non-thinking.”  I could never figure out how to do that…I wanted to- I did- but I couldn’t make it happen.  I appreciate this space to learn and grow…and to see that I am, indeed, learning and growing. So, thank you for reading…and maybe, you, too, are learning and growing with me.

week 21 of 40 7/15/2012

So, I found this quote on Pinterest (and of course, I cannot get it to embed), and it says:

"I want to sleep, but my brain won't stop talking to itself."

I think if my brain could scribe all of the things rushing through it, I would simply have pages upon pages upon pages of writing...

So, tonight, I am simply going to make a list. Embedded are some new "40" wisdoms, and some random things rushing through my mind.  I like bullets...and I love that my students always use them, too!!  :)

• I really want to see Greg Laswell in concert...SOON-I need to see him live, in a small bar, with a cold beer, and I need him to play "Your Melody."
• I just read on Yahoo that the number one trait in a successful marriage is empathy.  Am I empathetic enough?  In year 12, I have to wonder-am I empathetic or do I only seek empathy.  Need to think on this.
• My hubby said today after a "family nap" that "the family that naps together, stays together."
• When I woke from my nap today...I remembered out of the blue that I did a terrible thing when I was about 22 years old...I don't know what made remember it or why I had ever forgotten. I never told anyone, and I felt insanely guilty for a long, long time. Yet, today, it just popped into my mind the moment I woke up. I stole money. Not a lot.  but...I stole money.  Not from a person, per se...Not a lot of money...Well, there really is no explaining it.  I did it. How terrible.  How terrible.  Who the hell does that? ...What the hell could I have been thinking?  I don't even know why...Who the hell was I?

OK, now that I said that...where do I go from there?...This is my truth...Back to my spinning brain.

• I love forehead kisses. They just mean so much more than the "sloppy, 17 year old, tongue in the mouth, I can't breathe" kind of kiss...
• I think I finally believe at 40 that after years and years of doing my hair and make-up and picking out the perfect outfit that men really prefer a natural casual look ... (still love my mascara, though)
• My mom is the real reason I love to read. She gets all the credit.  I want my daughter to say this about me someday, too. I should tell my mom this. I will.  I will tell her.
• I am really territorial and protective when it comes to certain people in my life, yet, I am not a jealous person. Not at all. Just territorial. I just finished reading Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother by Amy Chua, and I am a tiger.
• Overwhelmed is an understatement for my emotional state lately. A few friends told me the other week that I am doing A LOT...I think ...they are correct.
• The bangs have def made me look younger, but is it time to grow them out?  I am ready to be blonde again.
• Managing the bedroom of an 8 month old is a hell of a lot more difficult than one might imagine--OCD kicking in
• Puffs and Cheerios on the floor do not bother me--OCD moving out
• I love nights on the patio!
• Looking at my daughter's little clothes today makes me cry...why do they grow so fast? Why? I feel this crazed pressure to capture everything ... and in my state of capturing it, I fear I am missing it... Working on this ...working on this... because we can't remember everything...
• but eventhough we don't remember everything, isn't it strange that we do remember the feelings? 
• revealing my terrible thing is making me overthink other choices I have made...shut up, brain!
• Sangria is ok, but I would rather just have wine-

....ok, I think I might be able to sleep a little...lots on my plate tomorrow, and one thing I cannot seem to learn is that I need to get the rest when I can!!  

week 20 of 40 ....7/10/2012

Well, this past week was a great time.  Old friends,  familiar traditions, one of my favorite holidays, and a huge milestone for my little girl---on July 1^st, she crawled!!  Today, a little over a week later, she pulled herself from the floor hanging onto the cushions of the couch!  She amazes me. She makes me smile all the time. I tell her all the time, “You shine my days.”

It is my sweet, little girl that helped me find the words for this week's blog…I am borrowing some words from a few friends, but it is her that really cemented those words-that made me see them in different dimensions..

…One thing I know for absolute certain now that I have been a mother for almost 8 months now (17 if you count pregnancy)---there is NO way to describe what it really feels like, how your thinking really changes, how your life flips and flops and morphs itself daily into a newer existence…  I know that before I had her, others would tell me this very thing, and I would think “yeah yeah….it changes you, kids are amazing…uh huh...”

….but I promise with all of my deepest honesty, it IS true. It IS.  And I wouldn’t trade this feeling for anything in the world.  There are other experiences that have brought me happiness, but this …motherhood—brings me JOY-pure JOY.

With that said…here are a few pieces of wisdom I gained from this past week:

1.        I love our country.  No political agenda here…but I have a true love for our country, for America.  Watching the fireworks in downtown Columbus is something I have done OVER 20 times in my life (and it did not begin until 1980), and I never tire of it…ever.  Lee Greenwood, bright lights in the sky, and 500,000 of my closest friends…*that* is America J

2.       Thank you to my dear friend who made a very wise statement the other night on my patio:  “Why can’t I wear a bikini, too?”  Amen.  Why do I have to miss time in the pool with my daughter, my husband, and my friends because my body isn’t perfect?  I AM a really great swimmer, afterall—and isn’t that why we go to the pool-to swim????

….of course, with that said, now I have to buy a swimsuit!!!!

3.       Ugh, passive aggressive behavior is …for lack of a better description…so PASSE!  It is over.  If you have something to say, perhaps, try saying it (TO THAT PERSON NOT AROUND THAT PERSON).  I know that for me…being honest has saved some of my most important friendships from  "drifting"…and I guess, if you aren’t willing to say what needs to be said, then it isn’t important enough to be passively aggressive about, you know? 

….now, as a parent, I can’t ever be afraid to tell my daughter the truths she needs to know.  ….if I can’t be honest with the people I love and care for the most…then, who can I be honest with??

4.       Lastly, I am reminded of a song that I shared with a friend a few years ago and a saying that I was reminded of from a friend a few days ago…maybe I should pay attention –

Because…it is true. “You can’t get what you want til you know what you want…”  I can’t tell my daughter to chase her dreams when I’m not chasing mine…and I can’t chase them, if I don’t know what they are.  Sometimes, dreams and wishes are about the future—but many…many, many, many…

are about right now...

week 19 of 40... 7/2/2012

Well it has been quite a few days. 

My week began with a conversation-that fed into 3 more conversations.  The first demanded attention.  As I have mentioned before--if I feel that I am misunderstood, I work to find a way to be understood.  On Monday, I did that.  I spoke up.  I said what I needed to say, and may I say:  I highly recommend this.

week 19:  trust your gut and trust what you have ALREADY learned:  if I don't say it-I never said it!!!!

This motto has been my "go to" for quite a few years now, so, no, it is not a new lesson of "40." Yet, this week, it was reaffirmed several times, and yet left itself open.

On Monday, I had a conversation that has been lulling in my mind for months...MONTHS. I knew there were things left unsaid-
...but was I willing to re-open the can of worms (or in this particualr case: raw sewage--yep, THAT bad)?

I was willing, and I did.  I stuck up for myself, for my honesty, for my loyalty, for my integrity.  And I apologized for the mistakes I made (which I won't make again). We came to a true consensus-a common ground, and we both learned that morning.  We both grew that morning. I know we can move forward and have a positive relationship.  I know we trust each other again, and I know we have respect with each other again.  For me, if I lose respect in someone, I cannot have a relationship with them. It is in time that I will know if this relationship will continue to create bridges to new pathways.

Which moves me to another conversation I had this week.  I was honest, once again, with someone who I have felt has let me down.  But in our conversation, I realized, I let her down, too. Maybe I assumed that I could be the friend she needed--that I had been the friend she needed.  Maybe...we just need time to let things settle.  I still feel misunderstood in this situation-and I am not sure how to change that.  I said what I needed to say, but I still feel....

unheard. 

What will become of this relationship? I don't know.  But I do know that I don't give up, and I am loyal, and when I love, I love deeply with my whole heart. So, maybe this situation needs the respect of-

time.

A third conversation happened this week after the first two.  In that conversation, I was reminded that with time...things grow.  We have grown.  We have changed.  We have evolved (the word used about me).  In our relationship, we have silently, but loudly, vowed to be honest, to be real, and we have become closer through those vows.

So in regards to the first two conversations, it is the third that reminds me that

time is a gift. 

Let time be the mediator...let time be the healer...let time show me.

Lastly, a 4th conversation happened after the first three...a conversation where we pondered what EXACTLY is it in life that fulfills us?  Is it our work? Is it our family? Is it our partners? Is it our friends? Is it the activities that we engage in? Is it our children (if we choose to have them) Is it our beliefs?

and then I thought on it...

...or is it something greater? 

Could it be the thing that drives us, motivates us, thrills us...is what we don't know?

the unknown
the impossible possibilities
the unimaginables that we have yet to imagine
the dreams we won't close our eyes to dream


if I don't say it, I never said it--but sometimes-
I don't know what to say...


week 19-a week of conversations.