This is my life. This blog began as a journey into my 40s', but last year, my 40's took a detour when I became a widow in February. Last year, I wrote, "year 5, you scare the shit out of me," and now I know why. In life, there are no accidents...nope. 2017, show me what you got. My 5 year old and I are ready for these new days ahead with the clean, the messy, and the musings of a recovering shitshow addict.
So I have to combine the last two weeks.I want to say that I have been busy, but the truth is…I have been hiding away~avoiding some things.I am not typically an “avoider,” but I actually heard myself tell someone this week, “I just don’t care.”It wasn’t about anything important, but I really did not care. AT ALL…
Lately, I have been-
Invisible
literally and figuratively.
A few evenings ago when I was mulling over things in my usual obcessed fashion…I picked up my Oprah magazine.It was all about advice.One of the first things I flipped to said, “the first draft is not the final draft.”This could not be more fitting for my journey this year.
Since turning 40, I have really worked hard to embrace all that is happening—to my family, in my career, to my face (eek).And I have stumbled so many times, but the best thing that has happened now that I am 40, is that I know ME.I know that those stumbles are not a definition of me, but rather part of the path.I know that I WILL get back up, and I KNOW that I will make better choices, better decisions, eliminate things that are not worth my time so I can focus on what matters. Halfway through this 40 thing, I KNOW myself.I know what others don’t know yet.I know that in 6 months, my life is going to completely different than it looks right now (and looking forward to seeing the view).I know this because I KNOW I am WILLING to do the WORK to grow and change and evolve into a better me.I know what it means to have to fight for something…to believe in myself more than anyone else because I answer to ME.I know what others have yet to learn…that when things get handed to you-you don’t appreciate them-truly, deeply, in a lasting way.
I know what some others may have not figured out-just yet---when you want something badly enough, you don’t sit around and wish it, you make it.
My face may not look as smooth, but so far, 40 is becoming more and more beautiful to me…
I have been back to work for about 2 weeks now—the kids have been there for 4.
I started my last class (with the exception of the ongoing internship) 2 weeks ago.
My daughter will be 10 months old in 2 days.
My dad turned 60 today.
Yesterday was my 12th wedding anniversary.
Time moves so quickly…at a rapid pace. It can bring such amazing joy…and at the same time bring confusion and disappointment…and then in a moment…in a flash-bring sorrow and pain…
In the past 12 months, I have experienced the single greatest day of my life, some of the darkest and quietest days of my career, and a grief I was not prepared for in any way…
In the past 6 months I have watched my friendships change, morph—take hits so hard, they left dents.I have watched from the outside and felt it on the inside…and I wonder why. I wonder why?
In the past 3 months, I have finished 2 classes, started a third…watching the dollars go out the door –worrying I won’t complete all of the work—but worrying more about what I am learning…if I am learning…can I apply this new stack of words to my everyday life?
In the past 2 months, I have heard my daughter hum songs, grow more teeth (8 total), watched her almost take her first steps, seen her hair finally grow—long enough to blow in the gentle breeze…
In the past month, I was able to move into a new classroom, shiny, bright, clean…a room that overlooks the trees—so scenic-so beautiful, we call it the “treehouse”…what a gift to see my former students smile so brightly as they looked up, across the floors, out to the playground—
In the past month, I have heard a buzzing…one that almost stings.A lack of graciousness, a lack of appreciation, an air of entitlement…A buzz I simply cannot comprehend-so I walk away, brush away the sound.
In the past few weeks, I have heard cheers of joy—my students singing their first Hang On Sloopy of 2nd grade—I have seen a smile that brings me tears as I type—my daughter jumping in her crib when I say “good morning, Snugs,”-- I have felt a hug …the kind that fills your whole body-from my husband-who each day loves me through all of my “moments,” --I have cried tear after tear, terribly, horribly missing my friend, forgetting she was gone until I was about to click SEND on the text I had typed to her about the sunny days we were having in Ohio
In the past few days, I have simply tried to enjoy and embrace the small moments—the yellow roses sent to school for my anniversary, a phone call with my best friend who told me to get another perm (jokingly), the 5 minutes my daughter laid on my chest, sucking her thumb quietly, sweetly on a Sunday morning (listening to her little breath…), the silly ways my husband told me Happy Anniversary (you are the worst avocado peeler ever, Happy Anniversary), the breeze from my moon roof on my car (Wendy, I know that is all you!), the old school Boyz II Men song that came on my ipod (On Bended Knee), grilled pizza, tomato pie, Barbera wine, seeing my mom get teary over her granddaughter, my new thicker bangs… and the quiet moment that I had on the way home this evening when I said to myself:I don’t have it all, but I have what I want…what I need. And that is all.
You are living your own story.I saw this on Pinterest this morning (what a ridiculously addictive site of ideas – many of which we may pin and pin and never actually do anything with-ha ha).
I know that, for me, this sentence could not be truer.You are living your own story.
I am sitting here on a quiet Monday morning-which feels like a Sunday.My husband and daughter are away, and I have had a lot of time to think, process, do, reflect…
It’s funny because each time, I get to the same answer.This is the way I am doing it.No apologies to anyone.
Tomorrow, I will begin my 9th year as an elementary teacher.If you are doing the math-me being 40 and only in my 9th year doesn’t match according to society’s crazy timeline that states that everyone must begin his career at 23. More on that at a later time.
This year, I am switching to second grade.If you ask me to my face how I feel about that, you will hear all kinds of excited expressions.Here’s what I will say in this forum—I am ready for a change. *That* is the truth.
The thing about teaching is that you have all these ideas and plans—places you want to take their little minds. My head swirls and swirls with all of the possibilities.By definition, I am a planner. I like to plan, to lay things out, to match the outfit to the shoes. Yet, when I look back on who I was 9 years ago … I can see what pieces stayed, and I can see what pieces were left on the drawing room floor.
I still love the first moment a child looks into your eyes—with trust—the kind of trust no adult will ever show you—a child will look at you with absolute conviction that you, the teacher, know everything about anything. Yet, with that comes a responsibility that I will liken to being a parent.So, now that I am a parent, I can say for those who aren’t…that look that a child gives you—well, that is a lot of what I feel inside now, all the time. *That* is the incredible feeling I have spoken about.*That* is the best way to describe it.…J
I still love the moment when a reluctant child—the one who is afraid to try—achieves the seemingly impossible. It is a twinkle, a glow, a sparkle.I am not sure what happens to us later in life—why we lose that special glitter because it is-in a word-beautiful.
I still love the excitement that children show for the smallest things—an extra recess, one more chapter of a favorite book, playing a quiz game, picture day, pizza day…
I still love the moments when I scrap every piece of the plan to paint, to read a favorite book, to play a game…or to take a nature walk when the seasons change. I still love when in the middle of a lesson, after hearing their ideas and thoughts, I look at the class, and say, “you know what we could do”…or “what if we….” …or “what do you think about…”
I love love love the moments when we all get the giggles.When we have to just take 5 minutes to laugh it all out.
I will forever love the moments when a reader realizes, “I’m READING”…when the math problem finally makes sense “OHHHH, I get it!”, when the written story of a child makes me cry happy tears or makes another student cry happy tears.I love when they congratulate and celebrate each other with such genuine generosity.
And at the end of the 178 days, they still look to you with that same trust. What a privilege, and honor, and a huge responsibility …
What did I let go of?Perfect copies, scripted lessons, getting upset over a tray of magnetic letters dumped for the 5th time, staying for hours and hours after school walking in circles trying to get it “right,” crooked word walls, trying to make everything the most creative (and forgetting the point), beating myself up when I know I did my best and still fell short….
All I have is my best.If I want them to realize this and feel secure in the notion of trying, not giving up, of persevering , then I have to show it.
Every year, we make these little mottos to get us motivated.Usually they just “come” to me.I have had a wide range of mottos over the years…This year, mine is simple:“I’m doing me.”It means that I am trusting myself to do the best I can in all areas of my life—a life that is changing all the time. With so many pieces on my plate, I know that if I hold onto the things that matter the most to me, the rest can roll on the floor, and I don’t have to apologize to anyone for that.
Summer 2012…all I can say is …wow…you rocked me to the core. But, I’m ok.I am ok.
~~~Thank you to JV for this:
“when you're in a storm, close your eyes and endure it
the lessons you will learn just might help you climb that next mountain
---and conquer it”
This week…a simple list…
Just a few things that have been giving me:
happiness…joyfulness…peacefulness…
·making tomato pie with tomatoes and basil from my backyard…oh the salty crust…
·the hummingbird that hangs out in my flower pot on my patio (how do their wings go sooooo fast?)
·watching my daughter snap her fingers-and hearing the slightest sound of an actual snap
·avocado (with salt)
·meeting new people –and hearing “I want us to be friends,”—that was a good moment at a sad time
·coffee-lots of it
·spontaneity…
·watching my daughter crawl to her daddy when he comes home (she races to him)
·making photo books of my daughter—she is beautiful, smart, and happy…she is JOY
·sitting on a patio with my husband talking about how our lives have changed so much in such a short time and vowing to enjoy and embrace it all
·dancing to a favorite song with a friend
·my bluetooth feature in my new car—completely hands free for talking, laughing, catching up
·the sun streaming through my back door
·my new classroom-a blank canvas for______???(isn’t that the best part?)
·driving with the windows down and listening to music that stays with you, and then leaves you with an A-HA
·the unconditional love my friends show me…in so many little ways…
·the sound of my daughter imitating me singing a little song…she has been actually humming the tune of a song I made up—I heard her do it twice today…the first time I couldn’t believe it, the second time I cried
·the clink that you hear when you are toasting life and the slight echo that says, “this moment is real, this moment is now, cherish this moment”…and always looking the people around you during that directly in their eyes (thanks WN-I will do this always)
Good-bye Summer 2012…and hello to my favorite season…
"No one can go back and make a brand new start. Anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending." -Anonymous
(working on this, working on this, working on this…)
Sorry for skipping a week. I lost a very special friend last weekend.The days that have drifted in and out since I got that horrible phone call have been filled with a myriad of emotions…pain, sorrow, joy, hurt, anger, happiness, complacency, emptiness, confusion, peace…some in waves, some overlapping, some all at the same time. Some have lingered, some have left, and some have shone through …
This is a letter to my friend.
Dear Wendy,
Even typing “Dear Wendy” is painful.I don’t know if I ever wrote you a letter that began so formally. Let me start over…
Wen,
Hi.I just wanted to pop in and tell you a few things.I know you already know them, but I wanted to tell you again.
I love you.I miss you.When I heard that you were gone, I was in shock.I thought we were in “this” for the long haul.You were the one always telling me to do what I needed to do to take care of ME.And with that said, I have to know the same is for you-was for you.
When we met so long ago, we were college kids. I noticed your smile….it was so pretty. Yet, I remember noticing right away that you had what they refer to as an “old soul.”Yes, you were always smarter than me, but you were also so much more connected, so much wiser, so much more reflective.You taught me how to do that.Maybe I never told you this, but it was you who told me to reflect back—to grow and learn from myself.
I was so happy that we met, and now, looking back, there are snapshots of memories that flash in my mind…
Like the hole you burnt in my car floor mat with your clove cigarette…
Like the letter you read to us in my car from a boyfriend who still wanted you back and you didn’t know what to do
The road trip we took to Chicago –you read The Deep in of the Ocean on the trip---you could barely put the book down—but when we were on the last leg of the trip, Elena and Jordance were in the back sleep sleeping, and I was driving.We had the most amazing conversation ever—and that is when I knew we were friends for always-we had a connection. You “got me” and I “got you.”
We went to Hocking Hills, and I met all your other friends.I remember feeling I didn’t fit in—but you told me that I was crazy.You always made me feel like I fit…I had the most amazing time on that trip.You showed me another world that I didn’t know.It’s called NATURE. J I promise to teach Maris this too….I promise.She will always know of her Aunt Wendy. Always.
I can still see you at Mekka, on NYE.Brownie Mary was playing, and you said it would be a blast.I watched my former vegetarian friend eat sausage that night.I don’t think you went back to being all veggie ever again.The bar was so crowded—my feet hurt.We laughed so much that night.
I remember calling you after I got engaged—your answering machine picked up (as it always did), but you grabbed the phone when you heard me say, “I have an important question for you”—and then I asked you to be in my wedding.
I still remember telling you in the van on the way to the church that I would never let my mom run my life again…it took me awhile, but I am so glad that you saw me finally do it little by little—you always stood there watching, not understanding, but supporting.
I can still see myself sitting in my car in the parking lot of Columbus State Child Care calling your number after getting a page from you…”I have cancer” you said…and then the next sentence:“I am going to fight it, and I will be ok.”Cancer didn’t know who it was messing with—you kicked its ass. So many times as you were fighting, I would think…if Wen can do this…I can do___. You were always an inspiration…not figuratively—literally.You gave me strength…I hope I told you that.
When I came to Denver for the first time, you whisked me up a mountain, splashed me down a creek-got me addicted to Sex in the City (and I cry again now…we made a pact to only watch the movies together, and we never saw Part 2—damnit!…) It was on that mountain in Denver—after seeing waterfalls for the first time—that I told you and Elena I wanted more.You supported me as I went back to school to get my teaching degree at 29.You cheered for me always… Wen, I am going to get that master degree.I am.Promise.
At Elena’s wedding, your hair was growing back from all of the chemo…You let me style your hair in the bathroom.You looked so lovely. We danced with the pig, we laughed, we drank too much…I remember you lost the flower from your dress, and you were secretly happy because you said the flower wasn’t “you..”J
I remember so vividly seeing you so happy in Leadville.The snow was so peaceful. You were celebrating 5 years cancer free, and I felt so much pride.You were the person who was always so successful in my eyes.You were a free spirit –so intelligent--so grounded.I left that visit wanting to be more like you-but I didn’t know how.You took me snowshoeing, and I wish I had told you that dredging my feet up that snowy mountain with vigor and positivity was for you.I wanted you to be proud of me.I think you were.I don’t know why I wanted that so much, but I did.I still do.When I came home from that trip, I told Tim…”she is happy.” I was so proud of you—so in awe of you.
I can see all the nights we sat at my table, drinking wine…until our teeth were purple.We talked about everything.You always told me to put ME first. I can still hear you saying, “and how is that helping YOU?” and …damnit, you were always right.
The night we grilled pizza, the night we went to the Wine Fest at the Franklin Park Conservatory, the first time we ate raw oysters at Barcelona, the day we say Sex and the City Part 1 (after everyone else already had), and we cried.We had no idea it would be so emotional.Then we met all your friends at the Ocean Club…oh you loved the “truffled” anything!!
I can see you at Nordstrom trying on that little blue shirt. “Too fancy” is what you said.It became your favorite shirt.We went to the Ocean Club this evening also…oh, we really racked up a large bill that night-then we went to Fados—the perfect summer evening.I remember the dry ice in our martinis made you laugh--
I see you beating my ass at Scrabble, dancing in my living room (oops, there goes the red wine on the carpet), sitting at the Rossi telling me that the salmon was “definitely farm raised!!” I see you at the Jersey shore putting on sunscreen for about 15 minutes and yelling at me to do it, too! I see you at the Urgent Care –both of us terribly hungover—because you really twisted your ankle-we had to go and get you crutches! There was so much snow outside…all we could do was laugh and hold our aching heads.
You encouraged me to recycle, to hike, to take care of our world.Your dedication to our world truly touched me, inspired me, and it changed how I take care of our world..how I teach my students. Honestly, you did that. I would never have done some of the things I have without your encouragement. I know you would deny this…but it is simply the truth.You changed me…impacted me, and now, you are a part of who I am every day. No, I am not being grandiose, as you would say, I am being real. J
I see you hugging your friends, saying “hi” with that beautifully sweet sincere voice.I can hear it now “hi.”…I miss that. I miss it.
I see you getting in the car for our last visit.I picked you up at the airport on your birthday. You looked so beautiful.Your skin glowed with joy.When you held Maris…she looked at Aunt Wendy.I am so unbelievably grateful that you had a chance to meet her….to see Tim and I finally have a baby. You taught me not to give up…you told me over and over that I could not give up. I listened to you.Thank you.
We went and got massages—you were always telling me to pamper myself, and now I tell everyone else. We got our nails done—we shopped.You bought me the coolest shirt for my birthday.We went to Bettys…and we had one of our last really amazing conversations face to face…I told you that day as I did so many many times—you need to finish your memoir!!Your story needed told… now, it is up to all of us to tell it… I promise to do my part.
I see you in the car on the way to my birthday party…I see you at Barcelona, toasting life.You told Tim and I that when you toast, you must always look into each person’s eyes.Tim and I will do this for the rest of our days, and we will always always think of you…
I could go on and on because as you know, there are a millon little moments I didn’t mention…but these are the fast flashes. I see your face every day.You were such a damn good person in your heart and soul.You were always looking for the good…you were the person I would tell people, “Wen is just really nice.”Nice is not a word that I could use to describe many people.Nice is hard to be…you were nice, truly nice and kind and loving.I said it earlier, but I wanted to be like you…I still do.Yet, I know you are a part of me inside my heart…you have shaped who I am today. I truly am better for knowing you, for loving you, for having you in my world….and in so many others’ worlds.
I taught you to text and to use Facebook.One of your last voicemails to me was at the beginning of July.I still have it.On it you said you were reading my blog and catching up on my life.You told me in the message that you were so grateful to be a part of my “balance beam.” You told me not to call you back (as you always did)…you told me you loved me. You texted me a week later telling me you loved me “immensely.” My last text to you was on Thursday before you left…it was a picture of Maris that said “I love you.”I do, I love you.So many love you, so so many.You were one hell of a woman—a spirit like yours will carry on… I know this and I believe this.
The other day, I went walking.You were there.I know it. I could feel it.I asked God for peace, and the sun brightened. I asked God for comfort, and the breeze blew.I know it was you.Tim said it is almost like you are the mother of nature now…As I type this, the sun is shining brightly.That, my friend, my sweet, sweet friend, is all you. That is how I find peace now. I find it knowing you are at peace.I find it knowing you are still here-in a hundred little ways all around me. I know this. I believe this. I believe this. I believe this.
I apologize that this letter is all over the place.You told me once to keep writing, and I will. I promise.
When you left for Denver all those years ago, I had no idea how strong our friendship would become.I am so blessed…so blessed. You are forever a part of who I am..forever a part of our family. I love you, Tim loves you, and Maris loves you.
I didn’t go to your going away party all those years ago—I told you Tim was sick.I lied.I couldn’t say good-bye.I still can’t, and I won’t.I will just say…see you later. Keep shining.
Love you always,
Meeshka, Mich, Michelle
P.S.
~you loved this song--hell, we both LOVE it... (we loved the movie-remember when we made Elena watch it, I don't think she liked it as much, ha ha!!)...it makes me think of you....as I cry, I know, "there's beauty in the breakdown." ....
P.S.S. Oh, and one more thing...because I know you would ask me... I'm going to be ok. No, really, I am. Promise.
Let's start off lightly~~~ So, I think I might not like Blizzards anymore... I KNOW!!!!!! ~~ever since I ate them over and over while pregnant--they just do not taste the same. I have eaten two--just two, since my daughter was born 8 months ago, and both times...eh..not that great (yes, I realize this is a positive thing)
and now... I have mentioned my mind racing games. I am fairly certain that I could be an Olympic champion in mind racing---the wires move pretty fast up there.
Lately--I am really becoming exHAUSTED with all the thinking, over-thinking, and re-thinking. UGH.
I am ... in the beginning stages...of being ready to move on. to start letting go.
This 40 thing.~~~~~~ It is alleged (you know "they" say--who are "they" anyway) that at 40, you begin to really find out who you are-what you're made of.
Hmmm, what do I know about me???
For starters~~~I am tough. Yeah, you see my emotions, sometimes, but I am tough. Like the gambler--I know when to walk away, and I know when to run. That is one thing I know I re-learned this past week-a voice I really heard. I am finding out about myself more and more~like a rediscovery. Yep, I'm tough. And that is a solid start.
~~ and I almost feel compelled to ask, do *you* know something about yourself?
Yes. I know when to walk away, and I know when to run... now...to simply put those words into action...
but, then, when do you stay? when do you know when to stay where you are?....
Have you ever written the date, looked down, and realized “hmmm, I know that date…”
And then you remember.
A birthday.Of someone who is no longer in your life- and hasn’t been for a long while.
Today that happened to me.I was in class, and I wrote the date.I stared at the numbers for a few minutes.Why did I know 7/23??Ahh.It was a former boyfriend’s birthday.
When I say former—I should actually say from another lifetime.It was over 20 years ago.I have no idea where he is now.He was a good guy with very blue eyes.
Yet, looking at that date-brushing by a series of memories- got me thinking.
How have I changed since then, and how have I stayed the same?
What parts of me left…
What parts stayed…
What mistakes did I make then-
And what mistakes do I CONTINUE to make (UGH)
You know, the ones you never-ever-seem to learn from?
Here, 20 years later, I know a few things. (and I am sure there will be more of these to come)
1.Back then I played the blame game.It was someone else’s fault.I was a “victim” of circumstance.I don’t do that anymore.When “it” happens—whatever “it” may be—I reflect and question how and why, but in the end—I own it.Lesson learned.
2.Back then I had little respect for trust.I just assumed that I was not trustworthy, and I assumed others were not trustworthy.Over time (much time)…I think I began to trust too easily.I let that part of me completely go…let all the walls down.I “over-learned” my lesson.I think I want a little part of that “reservation” back.
3.Back then…if I said something—chances were I would not change my mind.Now, I think I am more open to changing my mind, but I rarely do.
4.Back then, I wasn’t the nicest person.I’m still not. I don’t know a single person who have ever described me as “nice.” But not being “nice” has little to do with me being a “good” and “giving” person.
5.Back then, I liked to have the last word—still do.Sometimes, I am just relentless. I take perseverance to a new level.Sometimes, I just CANNOT let something go.It irritates me that I cannot move forward without beating something into the ground.THIS is a lesson I have not fully learned…to let go.Ugh, just typing those words is hard.
6.Awww….just a quick flashback…Boomerang was such a great movie.It still is. “love should brought your ass home last night”…”I know this”2 of the greatest movie lines (yeah, I USED to watch movies)
7.Back then, I always wanted one more drink—I didn’t want the fun to be over.Yep, still the same.I drink more water at the end, though JLesson partially learned.
8.Back then, I skipped classes all the time—I wasn’t ready. I have no idea why…but I have spent the last 15 years paying the price for that. Literally and figuratively. A year from now…my “issue” from #5 will be a benefit when I will have FINALLY completed my master degree.This lesson needed time (and apparently lots of it).
9.Back then, I let some wonderful friendships slip out of my hands…Now, I fight and fight for them to remain.(again #5)
10.I have an intuition…I know when something is up.I have been like this since way back then—perhaps part of the mistrust.Still, to this day, I know…I know when something’s going on.I know.(and then #5)
I have always reflected…and I have written in journals for years and years.A few months ago, someone said to me, “let your thinking today be the thinking of non-thinking.”I could never figure out how to do that…I wanted to- I did- but I couldn’t make it happen.I appreciate this space to learn and grow…and to see that I am, indeed, learning and growing. So, thank you for reading…and maybe, you, too, are learning and growing with me.
