6/11/2012...week 16 of 40

Tomorrow my daughter will turn 7 months.
Where did the time go?
It ran from me...faster than I could have ever imagined it would
People told me it would...but you kinda have to live through these things to "get" it...

Looking back...
Pregnancy and motherhood
Combined with 40--have taught me a few things

One:
No matter how much I try to re-create my "old" life
It will never be the same
(I am so tired of pretending it is the same--it's NOT)

Two:
People have let me down
and have surprised me by stepping up
I am so over trying to include everyone
when I am not included
(I mean ...what sense does that make??)

Three:
My body has changed
but because it was able to create a life
            AMAZING
I know it is able to re-create itself
with my commitment of TIME
and only *I* can make this commitment
I am not too busy to work out
so, no excuses here
(so over listening to others' excuses-so I will not be joining *that* clique)

Four:
All of this hiding I have been writing about
Is over
for now
(and I am not apologizing for doing it...it's MY security blanket)

Five:
Watching Maris grow
is never dull or boring
it's fascinating
(as she is trying to bang on the keys as I type)

Six:
I miss my "thick" hair

Seven:
I am ready to really embrace this 40 thing...I mean really ready to face it...to acknowledge that
THIS
is my life...on MY terms--
no longer what I think people "expect" it to be
and I actually...love it.

Eight:
My life will never be the same
and I am really
glad
truly and honestly
(man, that feels good to write...really good).


**and yeah, I know this post might sound a little bitey--but that is why I created this space...to give my words, my voice, a place...to tell the truth--which is the only way I know

and here I sit...at the end--or is the bottom?

I am sitting here in my class.  My last day as a first grade teacher.  I am listening to the Sundays on my ipod, and they are singing, "Here's Where the Story Ends"...how fitting-some could say it's a coincidence, but nothing is really a coincidence is it?

The kids are talking about spelling "hamburger"-is it UR or ER.  They are talking about colors of crayons--what colors make a rainbow.  Is rainbow a compound word? They are tired and restless, anxious and excited.

Tired, restless, anxious, excited...
I feel that way.

8 years of my heart and soul. 
I grew.
I learned.
I climbed.
I fell.
I got back up.
I climbed.
I fell.
I got back up.

I will walk out tonight no longer a first grade teacher on this staff, but a first grade teacher in my heart for always.  I will take the lessons I have learned with me...and I will walk forward.

but...actually-

Next year, my class is on the second floor.

It's time...
to start climbing again.

June 3rd 2012...week 15 of 40

"all these tapes keep running in my head"~alanis morrisette

So long ago, we made "mix tapes" for our friends-the people we were dating.  I have made COUNTLESS tapes (or cd's)...when I say COUNTLESS, I mean it!!

The "tapes" I make tell stories--this is a topic I will probably revisit again-many times.

this week, the mix tape of my life was confusing.
a myriad of wants, needs, maybes

"I know way too many people that I didn't know last year, who the F are you all..."
"I can't get to sleep-I think about the implications...of diving in too deep, and possibly the complications"
"another round-another round-I want another round"
"what a wonderful life" "bring on the evening hours...I cry"

This week, I realized that I can only hide for so long before the real me emerges...
and makes herself known. 
When I am happy
I show it...
When I am mad, it is obvious
...and when I am sad--which I have been trying to hide, it pours out
like the water from a faucet
...and there is no hiding.

I learned this week, even as real as I am
sometimes I try to hide
only to fail

hide and seek

When I was younger...there was a movie --Grease 2.  Yeah, I know, it was lame.  In the movie was a song--Charades.  It wan't sung well, but it resonated with me
--even as a young girl
Later as I grew older...a Disney movie came out.  I don't watch those movies (although now that I have a child...). In the movie, Mulan, there was a song called Reflections...again...complete connection.

Sometimes, I am simply hiding. I want to show the real me--because I am always real. 
But there are days...when I am still real, but I am hiding.--behind a Charade-afraid to look at my Reflection.

Sometimes I ask:  "Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me..."

Working on discovering more about her and sharing her. This is MY journey...and how lucky I am to travel the path...

5/29/2012 week 14 of 40

One thing I realized this week is that I AM managing this new life---the balance is tough, but I am managing. Yet, with that...comes constant questioning. I have been questioning everything lately.. I have really high expectations for the people around me...and sometimes, I simply feel let down. I do, however, get to choose how I react.

Lately...
I cry.
I do.
maybe not acceptable...
but I cry.

I cry when I am happy
when I am overwhelmed
when I am hurt
when I feel love

I cry.

week 14...a lot of crying-but I'm managing.

Balancing Beam

I never liked gym class.  I know it was because I was afraid.
Afraid to try.
Afraid to fail.

I remember the long ropes hanging from the ceiling of my elementary school gym.
Year after year...they-
TAUNTED ME--like they were laughing at me-
as I hung there by my limp arms-
first grade
second grade--
SIXTH grade

I never made it up those ropes.

I work in the district I grew up in---
I am seen those ropes many times in the past 8 years.
They no longer taunt me...instead
they HAUNT me.

How come I could never do it?
Other girls could.
(hello, inadequacy)

I thought for a while that I might work out really hard so I could climb them
CONQUER them
but ...what the hell would that mean?
how would THAT change my life?

So, now, here I am -- a failure at rope climbing.
and trying to walk the balance beam of my new life...

The ropes, I suspect--would have been easier.

5/20/2012...week 13 of 40

This past week I decided to finally create this blog.  I finally felt like I had something to share, and I needed a place to do it.  But, the truth is--whether or not it is shared, it is my "something," and isn't that enough?  Why must everything "be worthy" of a place for its story? ... This past week I saw a side of me that I like-- the giving side.  I made a decision about how I can give back more to my community, and I am proud of it.  I also saw a side of me that I don't like.  The side where I don't think before I speak--but in this case it was in text which is worse because you get to re-read the stuff you didn't think about before you said it/sent it--grr!!. I made that mistake several times, and yeah, I am working on it. So, this week of 40...I can simply say...2 steps forward and a step backward. But, at least-I am taking steps. I also realized this week my daughter reminds me of me...I see me in her...I joke about it-people tell me about it, but this week, I saw it. --pretty damn amazing.