Balancing Beam

I never liked gym class.  I know it was because I was afraid.
Afraid to try.
Afraid to fail.

I remember the long ropes hanging from the ceiling of my elementary school gym.
Year after year...they-
TAUNTED ME--like they were laughing at me-
as I hung there by my limp arms-
first grade
second grade--
SIXTH grade

I never made it up those ropes.

I work in the district I grew up in---
I am seen those ropes many times in the past 8 years.
They no longer taunt me...instead
they HAUNT me.

How come I could never do it?
Other girls could.
(hello, inadequacy)

I thought for a while that I might work out really hard so I could climb them
CONQUER them
but ...what the hell would that mean?
how would THAT change my life?

So, now, here I am -- a failure at rope climbing.
and trying to walk the balance beam of my new life...

The ropes, I suspect--would have been easier.

5/20/2012...week 13 of 40

This past week I decided to finally create this blog.  I finally felt like I had something to share, and I needed a place to do it.  But, the truth is--whether or not it is shared, it is my "something," and isn't that enough?  Why must everything "be worthy" of a place for its story? ... This past week I saw a side of me that I like-- the giving side.  I made a decision about how I can give back more to my community, and I am proud of it.  I also saw a side of me that I don't like.  The side where I don't think before I speak--but in this case it was in text which is worse because you get to re-read the stuff you didn't think about before you said it/sent it--grr!!. I made that mistake several times, and yeah, I am working on it. So, this week of 40...I can simply say...2 steps forward and a step backward. But, at least-I am taking steps. I also realized this week my daughter reminds me of me...I see me in her...I joke about it-people tell me about it, but this week, I saw it. --pretty damn amazing.

This song keeps creeping in my mind lately.  Heavily in rotation on my ipod a few years ago, I hadn't listened to it in quite some time.  Then, suddenly, it kept making appearances during "random shuffles" on my many mixes.  Coincidence?  Nothing is a coincidence....not really. It grabs you from the first line.."have you ever thought about-what protects our hearts"--maybe I have been watching too many back episodes of Grey's Anatomy today, but hearing it now--just gave me a little lump in my throat. 

Packing

 Spending time packing-it's like peeling away pieces of your past...today, I looked at my past as an educator.

Today, while packing my classroom, I found pieces of a person I barely remember--one who spent every waking moment
Planning, thinking, creating...STUFF for my class--
As I tossed so many THINGS away, I thought about who I am as an educator --who I have become--a person and a teacher who spends more time
LIVING--and sharing life with her class
My greatest lessons have been the ones that came to me during my morning blow dry--the ones where I walk in the class-and
SCRAP THE PLAN--and embrace the moment

Today, while packing my classroom, I was all alone for a long time-no kids, no teachers, just me (and my ipod).  I thought about ALL THE TIME that I planned and planned but forgot to embrace the moment.

I have always believed that it is process over product, process over product...This year, I want to listen more...embrace more.  A second chance with this group is a gift.  I won't WASTE moments with the STUFF, the PLAN, the THINGS...My plan is simple...listen and embrace. 

leading and following...

I am a leader...some might call me a little bossy, but all in all-I am a leader. Yet, in the coming school year, I will be "following" for the first time in many years. I know this is a necessary shift, but it is a challenge just to think about it. 


following....


I am not changing a behavior--this is my personality.

Hmmm.

listen more.
listen more.
That is where I am starting.

drip drip drip

Is it ok to pray for things like--let there be just enough coffee for ONE cup this morning...I think I shook out every last ground into the coffee maker. Ok, how about if I just cross my fingers? (and chant: please please please).

My decision about birthdays ...for the next year...

5/13/2012

Dear Friends,

As many of you know, I am on a journey to discovering what 40 means to me. One of my passions and causes that I have always had a special place in my heart for is the issue of homelessness and poverty.    Last year, I asked you to forgo gifts for my birthday, and join me in a volunteering activity instead.  This past Christmas, I asked that you not buy gifts for Maris but instead donate to one of three causes, if you felt so inclined.  Looking ahead into this year of being 40, I have decided that for the remainder of the year, and I hope this is is acceptable to you, my friends-- I would like to forgo standard gifts in lieu of a donation in your name to the Faith Mission, Salvation Army, and Habitat for Humanity services.  This will occur from this point on until my next birthday in 2012.  I would also like to ask that for my 41st birthday that you forgo a gift to me and simply make a donation, if you are so inclined, to one of the previously mentioned organizations.  When it is your birthday, I will send you a card, and I will let you know where “your” dollars went.  Despite our many trials, each of us is blessed in ways.  It is my hope that through this philanthropy, we can provide a brighter day for someone else.  Happy Birthday, friends.  Wish big.

Love,
Michelle