hide and seek

When I was younger...there was a movie --Grease 2.  Yeah, I know, it was lame.  In the movie was a song--Charades.  It wan't sung well, but it resonated with me
--even as a young girl
Later as I grew older...a Disney movie came out.  I don't watch those movies (although now that I have a child...). In the movie, Mulan, there was a song called Reflections...again...complete connection.

Sometimes, I am simply hiding. I want to show the real me--because I am always real. 
But there are days...when I am still real, but I am hiding.--behind a Charade-afraid to look at my Reflection.

Sometimes I ask:  "Who is that girl I see, staring straight back at me..."

Working on discovering more about her and sharing her. This is MY journey...and how lucky I am to travel the path...

5/29/2012 week 14 of 40

One thing I realized this week is that I AM managing this new life---the balance is tough, but I am managing. Yet, with that...comes constant questioning. I have been questioning everything lately.. I have really high expectations for the people around me...and sometimes, I simply feel let down. I do, however, get to choose how I react.

Lately...
I cry.
I do.
maybe not acceptable...
but I cry.

I cry when I am happy
when I am overwhelmed
when I am hurt
when I feel love

I cry.

week 14...a lot of crying-but I'm managing.

Balancing Beam

I never liked gym class.  I know it was because I was afraid.
Afraid to try.
Afraid to fail.

I remember the long ropes hanging from the ceiling of my elementary school gym.
Year after year...they-
TAUNTED ME--like they were laughing at me-
as I hung there by my limp arms-
first grade
second grade--
SIXTH grade

I never made it up those ropes.

I work in the district I grew up in---
I am seen those ropes many times in the past 8 years.
They no longer taunt me...instead
they HAUNT me.

How come I could never do it?
Other girls could.
(hello, inadequacy)

I thought for a while that I might work out really hard so I could climb them
CONQUER them
but ...what the hell would that mean?
how would THAT change my life?

So, now, here I am -- a failure at rope climbing.
and trying to walk the balance beam of my new life...

The ropes, I suspect--would have been easier.

5/20/2012...week 13 of 40

This past week I decided to finally create this blog.  I finally felt like I had something to share, and I needed a place to do it.  But, the truth is--whether or not it is shared, it is my "something," and isn't that enough?  Why must everything "be worthy" of a place for its story? ... This past week I saw a side of me that I like-- the giving side.  I made a decision about how I can give back more to my community, and I am proud of it.  I also saw a side of me that I don't like.  The side where I don't think before I speak--but in this case it was in text which is worse because you get to re-read the stuff you didn't think about before you said it/sent it--grr!!. I made that mistake several times, and yeah, I am working on it. So, this week of 40...I can simply say...2 steps forward and a step backward. But, at least-I am taking steps. I also realized this week my daughter reminds me of me...I see me in her...I joke about it-people tell me about it, but this week, I saw it. --pretty damn amazing.

This song keeps creeping in my mind lately.  Heavily in rotation on my ipod a few years ago, I hadn't listened to it in quite some time.  Then, suddenly, it kept making appearances during "random shuffles" on my many mixes.  Coincidence?  Nothing is a coincidence....not really. It grabs you from the first line.."have you ever thought about-what protects our hearts"--maybe I have been watching too many back episodes of Grey's Anatomy today, but hearing it now--just gave me a little lump in my throat. 

Packing

 Spending time packing-it's like peeling away pieces of your past...today, I looked at my past as an educator.

Today, while packing my classroom, I found pieces of a person I barely remember--one who spent every waking moment
Planning, thinking, creating...STUFF for my class--
As I tossed so many THINGS away, I thought about who I am as an educator --who I have become--a person and a teacher who spends more time
LIVING--and sharing life with her class
My greatest lessons have been the ones that came to me during my morning blow dry--the ones where I walk in the class-and
SCRAP THE PLAN--and embrace the moment

Today, while packing my classroom, I was all alone for a long time-no kids, no teachers, just me (and my ipod).  I thought about ALL THE TIME that I planned and planned but forgot to embrace the moment.

I have always believed that it is process over product, process over product...This year, I want to listen more...embrace more.  A second chance with this group is a gift.  I won't WASTE moments with the STUFF, the PLAN, the THINGS...My plan is simple...listen and embrace. 

leading and following...

I am a leader...some might call me a little bossy, but all in all-I am a leader. Yet, in the coming school year, I will be "following" for the first time in many years. I know this is a necessary shift, but it is a challenge just to think about it. 


following....


I am not changing a behavior--this is my personality.

Hmmm.

listen more.
listen more.
That is where I am starting.