week 18 of 40 6/26/2012

I have been out of school for the summer for about 2 weeks.  In that time, I have celebrated (over and over), purchased a car, attended a training and retreat (closed one door, opened another), traveled to Napa (oh glory!), shopped, played lots and lots with my incredible little 7 month old girl (who is almost crawling and is getting her top two teeth, as well as finding her LOUD voice), cut my own bangs (scarier than you may think--do YOU want to look like it's your first day of school in the 2nd grade??), went on some wonderful date nights with my hubby (thank you Nana and Grandpa), been out to lunch and breakfast (food somehow tastes better when the sun is shining), attended the wedding of a dear friend (love love love), and had some pretty intense conversations of all sorts with many different people (and when I say of all sorts, ...well, I mean it)...

For the last three years, as June comes around, I think about 4 years ago in June.  It was the summer of 2008, and I like to refer to it as the summer of debaucery-the summer of deliciousness-the summer of dreams-a dreamy, dreamy summer...

It started with cool nights on the patio...cool nights that never ended.  It started with the amazing birth of my best friend's second daughter, and the realization that making a baby wasn't so easy (more on that in a future post).

It started with me --very thin--and pretty happy about it (although no one can stop eating altogether!).  It started with two weddings-one for my brother and one for a sweet, lifelong friend.  It started with friends and timelessly good songs on the ipod--nights playing scrabble--fires that burned long past midnight. 

It was filled with time on the boat (and one ride that was particularly memorable).  It was filled with a ladies 80's night and many happy hours on just about every patio in the city-so many such that we referred to our visits as the Patio Tour 2008. It was filled with long bike rides, attempts at playing tennis, and walks at the park. It was filled with looking for the first star in the sky each night--a tradition on our patio to this day.

In that summer, we made grilled pizza, juicy steaks, and drank lots of wine..

We talked about somedays and yesterdays.

Secrets were told and shared...
some of those secrets are still -secrets-
secrets that have held on, held fast, staying.

It was the summer we never wanted to let go ...

We stretched that summer and all those summer evenings long into the chilly evenings of November...and in January, when we had a summery day over Winter break, we rushed out to capture the feeling of summer, drinking frosty cold Bud Lights with no winter jackets.  

It was the summer...a summer that we held so tightly, we were sure it was holding us back-just as tightly...not to let go...


I miss that summer...for many reasons.  Something special happened in those months. Looking back, it was a summer that really could never be repeated...and now its place in time reminds me that some things have a place in time--there for a moment or two, and then they slip away, melt away...dissolve.

...and sometimes, if you are really lucky, those special things don't go...but rather they evolve.

evolve...

into something just as special, but in a different way--completely incongruent to the former, but lovely all the same and all the different.

evolve...

yes, it's been a year, and a year, and a year...

and those pieces that linger...

they linger so they can evolve...

and I am watching, learning, moving...because those pieces, the ones that are lingering--I'm not ready to let go of--and just maybe, they aren't ready to let go either...

week 17 of 40--a little late 6/21/2012

In the past week, I have been faced with some pivotal change...The hardest part for me-is accepting the change without challenge.  I question everything.  I reflect on everything.  I mull over things again and again.

I am the person who sends a text days after a conversation and reiterates what I meant just to be sure I was not misinterpreted.

I am the person who hashes a situation with several people just to get various perspectives.

I am the person who often cannot let go of something until I am sure my voice has been heard and understood.

I am the person who admits when I am wrong upon discovery and apologizes for my behavior...

and when I say I am sorry, I always mean it.

This past week, I witnessed a change in my friendships and my relationships at work...which often overlap. I used to see myself as the big sister, but while at a work meeting- a meeting where my role, my place, was ending...it suddenly hit me.  I really am not the big sister anymore. (how funny that I have been saying for a long while that I am going to stop doing this...and then it was just done for me)

and, I felt sad...

I felt sad because I like to be needed...and suddenly, it occured to me that the need simply isn't there so much anymore.

WOO HOO! I should feel a relief. Not so many phone calls and texts looking for advice, feedback, my 2 cents (which I always gave...actually I usually gave 5 cents=overachiever!!)...

but, there wasn't really a relief...just a little hole. like the hole in a piece of paper you've erased and erased until the paper frays into a little tear...growing bigger and bigger until there is an actual hole.

I mean, the paper analogy-that is kind of how it happened. a smudge, a mistake, an attempt to fix it, a disconnect...

but, as I have thought about this for well over a week, I also realized that as roles end, new ones begin...

and they begin in a place of truth--my truth--who I am inside

inside, I am:  a caregiver, a leader, a person with a great smile, a supporter, a mentor, a person people trust, a person who people believe in, a hero, an empowerer...

those are things I also discovered at a work meeting this past week (yes, teachers have meetings after school is over for the summer...)

the one thing I discovered that I am not...is someone who reaches out to others (from the work meeting, again)

That discovery makes me think of this quote I saw recently:

 

yes,"I'm fine."  I do say that ...a lot. 

but this week, I learned:

                                                                        endings become beginnings...

6/11/2012...week 16 of 40

Tomorrow my daughter will turn 7 months.
Where did the time go?
It ran from me...faster than I could have ever imagined it would
People told me it would...but you kinda have to live through these things to "get" it...

Looking back...
Pregnancy and motherhood
Combined with 40--have taught me a few things

One:
No matter how much I try to re-create my "old" life
It will never be the same
(I am so tired of pretending it is the same--it's NOT)

Two:
People have let me down
and have surprised me by stepping up
I am so over trying to include everyone
when I am not included
(I mean ...what sense does that make??)

Three:
My body has changed
but because it was able to create a life
            AMAZING
I know it is able to re-create itself
with my commitment of TIME
and only *I* can make this commitment
I am not too busy to work out
so, no excuses here
(so over listening to others' excuses-so I will not be joining *that* clique)

Four:
All of this hiding I have been writing about
Is over
for now
(and I am not apologizing for doing it...it's MY security blanket)

Five:
Watching Maris grow
is never dull or boring
it's fascinating
(as she is trying to bang on the keys as I type)

Six:
I miss my "thick" hair

Seven:
I am ready to really embrace this 40 thing...I mean really ready to face it...to acknowledge that
THIS
is my life...on MY terms--
no longer what I think people "expect" it to be
and I actually...love it.

Eight:
My life will never be the same
and I am really
glad
truly and honestly
(man, that feels good to write...really good).


**and yeah, I know this post might sound a little bitey--but that is why I created this space...to give my words, my voice, a place...to tell the truth--which is the only way I know

and here I sit...at the end--or is the bottom?

I am sitting here in my class.  My last day as a first grade teacher.  I am listening to the Sundays on my ipod, and they are singing, "Here's Where the Story Ends"...how fitting-some could say it's a coincidence, but nothing is really a coincidence is it?

The kids are talking about spelling "hamburger"-is it UR or ER.  They are talking about colors of crayons--what colors make a rainbow.  Is rainbow a compound word? They are tired and restless, anxious and excited.

Tired, restless, anxious, excited...
I feel that way.

8 years of my heart and soul. 
I grew.
I learned.
I climbed.
I fell.
I got back up.
I climbed.
I fell.
I got back up.

I will walk out tonight no longer a first grade teacher on this staff, but a first grade teacher in my heart for always.  I will take the lessons I have learned with me...and I will walk forward.

but...actually-

Next year, my class is on the second floor.

It's time...
to start climbing again.

June 3rd 2012...week 15 of 40

"all these tapes keep running in my head"~alanis morrisette

So long ago, we made "mix tapes" for our friends-the people we were dating.  I have made COUNTLESS tapes (or cd's)...when I say COUNTLESS, I mean it!!

The "tapes" I make tell stories--this is a topic I will probably revisit again-many times.

this week, the mix tape of my life was confusing.
a myriad of wants, needs, maybes

"I know way too many people that I didn't know last year, who the F are you all..."
"I can't get to sleep-I think about the implications...of diving in too deep, and possibly the complications"
"another round-another round-I want another round"
"what a wonderful life" "bring on the evening hours...I cry"

This week, I realized that I can only hide for so long before the real me emerges...
and makes herself known. 
When I am happy
I show it...
When I am mad, it is obvious
...and when I am sad--which I have been trying to hide, it pours out
like the water from a faucet
...and there is no hiding.

I learned this week, even as real as I am
sometimes I try to hide
only to fail