The Notion of "Choosing Happiness" 11.10.2014

Disclaimer…this is my blog and my opinion, but my intention is just to maybe….shed some perspective.

“Today I choose to be happy.”  I have read this quote or some version of this quote so many times, and quite frankly, I think it is a load of crap.   I am not this highly negative person, but this is one notion I have yet to wrap my brain around. 

Looking back over the last few years of my life, I have truly felt intense joy and happiness.   My daughter’s spirit has delivered smile after smile to my face.   When I am in her space and the space of my family, my heart is full, and I feel happiness.  When I think about all the blessings I have and all of the heartache that so many are experiencing, I feel blessed and grateful…true blessings and gratitude.

Looking back over the last few years of my life, I have also felt intense hurt and pain.  I lost a friend to intense hurt and pain…  In those moments of my life, I tried to “put on my game face.”  I tried the “fake it,  ‘til you make it” strategy.  I tried to use food, alcohol, exercise, shopping …to make it “better.”  But while there were moments of happiness and joy threaded into this...In that moment, I could not choose happiness.  My dear friend couldn’t either.  If she could have “chosen happiness,” she might still be here.  While I don’t speak of it, I have not been able to process her tragic death.  I still feel intense pain and miss her terribly. 

A few years prior to this, I watched my mother in- law lose her battle with cancer.   In those moments after that terrible day, I tried to be brave, to be strong.  I put on a warm smile as I tried to comfort others, especially my husband.  In all of those moments of sorrow, I could not choose happiness.  How do you choose happiness when your heart hurts and can only feel pain?  

Happiness is an emotion.   Webster Dictionary defines emotion as

 An emotion: a strong feeling (such as love, anger, joy, hate, or fear). 

I cannot choose my emotions.  I can choose a reaction.  I can choose what I say.  I can choose with whom I interact and with whom I choose to spend time.   I can choose what I eat, whether or not I work out.  I can to work harder at work or organize my basement.

But, I am simply incapable of choosing to “be happy.”  I am not saying I am never happy, but I am not one of those people who will ever walk around and say:  “it is what it is” or “it’s all good.”  In my opinion, those statements are lies we tell ourselves, as we try to fake “happiness.”

Two years ago, I spent an entire school year pretending I was fine…things were ok.  I rarely spoke to anyone, and I stayed in my room all the time.  And when I did open the door, it seemed like I could do nothing right.  I finally decided that I would take a year off.  I had to get out of there.  I felt completely invisible in a career that I busted my ass to build.  I went from a leader to completely disposable in 6 months.  “Choose happiness!!..”  There was no way to do that in my opinion.  I felt happiness in my home with my family, but everything else with work and even with some of my friends was a façade.   I didn’t choose happiness.   I faked “fine.”  I stayed at that job for one reason only:  to loop with my kids to 3^rd grade because I taught them not to give up-to persevere—so I would not give up an opportunity to stay with them. 

And now, a few years later, I am still struggling with this.  I am typing this because I know I can’t be alone.  I see all the posts on Facebook and all the pins on Pinterest.   “Today I chose to be happy.”  Blah.   I guess I can also choose to be pissed, sad, angry, crazy…..

I am not sure where I go from here in my life, but I know for me, I have to begin to be more authentic-real-stop lying.   I know that I have to reach out more, be intentional with whom I spend my time-those who truly want to be in my space—even when I am NOT happy—but when I am pissed, angry, sad, and crazy.  I also know that we all need to pay more attention…to ourselves and to the others around us.  Not everyone is choosing happiness…and maybe the next time you ask someone “how are you?”…you might wait for the answer, you might look closer at their eyes and think…is this person “really happy?” like he/she says.

Even Oprah says you can’t buy happiness.  And one life event doesn’t create a lifetime of happiness, either.  Gratitude, yes.  Blessing, yes. 

…

I often look back to the last year Wendy was here…She said she was doing well.  She said she was feeling happy ...  Choose happiness?  Bullshit.

And that…is just my opinion.  And in case you were wondering…positive thinking—putting things in the universe like my last blog….NOT the same as choosing an emotion.  Not at all.  …again, in my opinion.

positive thinking? visualization? is that real? 7.10.2014

Well, another school year is complete, and I spent the last few weeks decompressing, cleaning (a little), and doing what I do best…thinking.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day…

OK, let me stop here.   Here’s the thing about a personal blog.  If I am going to write about my life, the fact is…I do have friends in my life.  So, if you see “your” story here, please take it as a compliment that I thought about our time and connection together and wanted to mention it here.  I rarely ever choose to put names in my blog.  So, you can also un-assume it is about you, and you can just read the post.

Positive or negative, if you’re mentioned here, I most likely think a lot of you.

So, in my conversation, we were talking about the power of positive thinking.  We were talking about the validity of “thinking and visualizing.”  We talked about the notion of putting energy into the universe and how that energy comes back to you. Some might refer to this as the “Secret,” a theory on living based on a bestselling book from several years back.  If you are an “Oprah” person, you probably are very familiar with this concept…She is a huge believer and advocate of this philosophy.

My friend asked if I believed in it.  As we chatted, I shared some of the ways I do believe in it, and some of the ways I incorporate it in my life.   I told her I believe in making lists, putting goals and desires in writing, and I believe in the power of a vision board, creating a collage of images and words of goals you have for your life.

I shared a story with her that I will share here:  When I was in 3^rd grade, I went to a school in the same community I work now (stay tuned).  In the 3^rd grade, I had a student teacher (Miss Chrisman was her name, and I wish I could find her now to share this).  At the end of her time with us, she wrote us these adorable predictions of where we would be in our lives in the year 2005.  I remember thinking even as a 9 year old…”Why would she pick 2005?  I will be 32 by then.”

I tucked the prediction into a scrapbook.  It stayed there for the next 22 years.

Let me restate something I have mentioned in a previous post…I don’t believe in coincidences.

Later, as my life unfolded—not everything went according to plan.   As I mentioned before, college wasn’t all cram sessions and coffee.   While I was working for Kroger (a job I had had since 16), I eventually moved to the catering division, as an event planner.  While I was there (I was miserable), I wrote in my journal a lot.  I was doing a gratitude journal at the time, but one day, after work, I wrote:

“On February 24^th, 2000, I will have a new job.”

True story:  On February 24^th, my best friend called me on the phone, and she said, “Hi.  Do you want a new job?”  I ended up interviewing and getting a job at Head Start as a family service worker.  

As time went on, I still had my dream (of becoming a teacher or a writer).   I was sitting in the office one day, and I overheard another friend talking about the teacher licensure program at Ohio Dominican.  I made an appointment, and I was on my way. 

After a long road to obtain my licensure, I was ready for the interviews.  I created my portfolio, and then I went into the basement.  I dug out the prediction that I had tucked into my scrapbook. 

“In the year 2005, MT, will become a third grade teacher at Etna Road Elementary School.” 

It was now 2004.   I didn’t get hired at the school where I had been subbing.  Broken and sad, with no other “bites,” I saw a posting for a 1^st grade job in the community where I grew up, Whitehall.  The interview wasn’t at Etna Road.  It was at Beechwood, one of the other elementary schools.   I had been working summer school in the district that DIDN’T hire me (I was already committed).  But…that principal knew the principal at Beechwood very well (no coincidences), and I got an interview.  I took my prediction with me.   I got the job.  In fact, I wasn’t even home before I got the call with the offer. 

In 2004, MT became a first grade teacher at Beechwood Elementary, and in 2005, she was 32, and she was teaching in the same district as the prediction.

These are two small examples of how the power of written word and positive energy has influenced and shaped my life’s journey. 

As my friend and I chatted, she began to share that maybe, just maybe, there was some “food for thought” in what I was sharing.  I explained that I had created a vision board that was mainly focused on having a baby (which I have discussed at length in a previous post).  The vision board also reflected my feelings about how I believe that the kitchen is the heart of the home and family.  There were also many images and words about begin active and choosing a healthy lifestyle.  The board isn’t magic, of course.  I made it in December 2010.  She was born in November 2011.  The heart of my family is our kitchen, and it is also the heart of many of my friendships.  That active lifestyle, also mentioned in a previous post, began in June 2013, and it has grown stronger and stronger.  It is a part of not just my life, but also for my husband and daughter, who is now 31 months old.

I have also incorporated the power of positive thinking and visualization into my classroom.  This past year was my first foray into teaching in a “testing grade.”  As the big test date came closer and closer, I wanted to teach my students some strategies for taking the test—and for life.   We took construction paper, and we folded it into 4 boxes.  In one box, we wrote the strategy that works best for me for “what to do when I am tired, and I’m stuck.”  In another box, we wrote one happy memory that we could think of if we need a quick brain break in the middle of the test.  In a third box, we wrote 1-3 words that get us going when we need a push.  In the last box, we wrote the score we wanted to see on the paper when we got our score in the mail.  Below is an example of what my 4 box looked like:

Looking up at the ceiling/visualizing (my strategy)	When Maris was born, and I looked into her eyes for the first time. (a happy memory/thought)
PERSEVERANCE BELIEVE  (the words that keep me going)	445  (my pretend score)

The kids looked at this 4 box each time we “practiced,” and they also read over it one last time before the test.  It was their reminder that they had strategies and strength.  Did it work?  Did this translate into "high" scores?  All I will say is this…I am damn proud of them, and I do believe that they took that test feeling positive and believing in themselves.  And, that…well, that -a positive feeling a belief in oneself- is for life.

In the last few years, I have been cautious about what I “put out there” into the universe.  I am cautious not to say things that I really don’t want to happen.  I am a believer in what “positive” things could happen.    It isn’t really that “out there” as one might think.  Actually, I saw the perfect pin on Pinterest recently that

captures this belief and philosophy spot on: 

It doesn't seem to want to post here, but this is what it says:

Decide what it is you want.

Write that shit down.

Make a fucking plan.

And…

Work on it.

Every.

Single.

Day.

Damn good advice.  You want it…put it out there, and then GO GET IT!

  

Random Musings in April 2014

I have started and scrapped so many posts lately, and I am not sure why.  My journal(s) are filled with scribbles, rambles, lists, rants, and many expletives.  So, tonight… a small ramble of my rambles:

(in no particular order)


when and how did social networking become so addictive?

when you ask someone how they are, and they say, "I'm fine."…it might be bullshit…and it might not

am I ever going to be skinny?  ever?  (no, but I am getting StRoNg)

I am excited to be in a book club…to begin rediscovering me in new ways (more to come on this)

who the hell do any of us think we are?  do we even know?  (hence the book club)

watching and hearing a child get excited over a book is incredible…I am so lucky I do what I do

how can five notes from a song literally change your complete mood and demeanor (in various ways)

I never thought that I would be 42 with a 2 year old….I never thought I would be 42 with a 2 year old

"life is a balance of holding on and letting go"~rumi

if you can't find the time in 60 days, 78 days, 139 days, you aren't going to find the time…be honest

I get to create and recreate who and how I am each and every day…and that is pretty damn cool

...which…is good--because I am never going to be perfect like I always dreamed…

how is it that I carried her for 9 months, and for the past 3 … I have been invisible? (this has been one of the most painful pieces of being a mommy…knowing she only wants daddy)  

if you do what you have always done……you REALLY do get what you always got…

if you think you know me…you are probably wrong (I'm complicated)

mascara is magic…I love mascara

I still cannot believe I work out now!! (me!!??)

once I stopped making excuses--it felt so good…damn good

I over think…it is what I do.  Stop telling me to relax and let it go…

"good grief" is one of my new favorite sayings  (It is almost replacing "shiest")

sharing wine with my hubby at our kitchen table is one of my favorite things in the world

patio season is coming (and we need new patio furniture!!)

listening to my daughter role play with her babies is the most precious thing ever…("you wanna go to the park baby?")

it's never too late to become good friends with an old buddy

I can finally put my daughter's hair in pigtails!!!

I love seeing my friends' dreams come true…love love love it

being the dark horse must be fun--(but what does it mean, really)

I remembered the other day that when I was little, I used to hear, "She's Always A Woman" on the radio by Billy Joel, and I used to think..I want to be like that woman when I get older.  (that says a lot about how complicated I really am)

you never really leave the east side

I cannot bear to say good-bye to this class (but I will --)

I have been repeating the same patterns of behavior since my earliest journals… (I will just blame my mom)

I love rocking my girl at night and telling the same stories over and over (I hope someday--those are the tales she blogs about)

I really am going to make my recipe book (I have an added feature other cookbooks don't have!!)

I never go to bed early when I say I am…

yep, this is how my mind runs….

the sun one minute-then she's pouring down rain (david nail)

….what are your rambles??

REDO …Happy New Year 1.12.2014

It has been awhile since I last blogged.  I had many scribbles of things I wanted to say, and then I got a new phone, my "cloud" failed me, and I lost a year and a half of my "notes."

it was this glitch that began a new chain of thinking...

Perspective is powerful.

When I realized I lost all of those words...I was upset.  Then, I was relieved.  I couldn't go back and see those thoughts, but I also couldn't go back and re-live them either. 

As 2013 came to a close, I began thinking about all this "resolution" business.  People sitting down, creating these "resolves."  I started thinking about how I approached last year and the year before, and I realized that I hadn't made any real resolutions, but rather, I had made some hard and fast DECISIONS.

In the past year, I decided to make my way through the final months of the school year, a year that was quite possibly the most difficult of my career (yes, even more difficult than year one-simply because in year one, I had nothing to compare it to).  

I have a hard and fast rule in life--one that my students can tell you very well:  I don't make promises I can't keep.  

I promised my team to be there til the end of the school year, and I was.  Yet, I wasn't just promising them a member of a team, I was promising to myself that I would stay at my school until the end.  I had been looking outward …but I would never walk from a commitment.  And I stayed.  

In the past year, I decided to finish that damn internship, to complete my master degree, even after I learned that I could drag it out another two years.  I decided I was going to graduate, and that meant I had to complete the work.  And, I did. 

In the past year, I decided that I would, in fact, get healthy.  For the first time in my life, I decided to work out, to push my body far past the hard limits I had afforded it.  I decided that after the third day of Insanity that I would keep going.  I decided that I would not make excuses--too tired, don't feel like it, too many cocktails the night before.  I decided that even on double days, I would push myself.  Some people say I have willpower.  Nope, I just decided.  

In the past year, I decided to come back to work, physically and mentally.  After choosing to hide under a rock for a year, choosing to keep my mouth shut, and conforming-or what I felt was conforming (ugh!!), I was ready to let my voice be heard (those were my choices--looking back, I chose to do that, and I can only blame me for that).  But, I decided that I would not do that without heeding the hard, tough, excruciatingly painful lessons (and they still sting sometimes) that I had learned… Looking back, sometimes those lessons felt like I was cramming my face into a pile of suffocating mud.  No, that's really what it felt like.   I don't easily "let things go."  I wasn't sure that coming back was what I really wanted to do…but I was given an opportunity to loop again with my little 1st graders, then 2nd graders…, and I decided to say yes, and I committed to those families.  But, as I said before- I would never walk from a commitment.  So, I came back for them.  And I decided to give it my best.  And, I have.  And what do you know, in this decision,  I realized I still love what I do.  I'm having a really great school year.  (sometimes, you just have to DO it!)

In the past year, I decided to REALLY focus my energy on the relationships that reciprocate (although…).  In the past year, I watched several friends go through challenges that --quite frankly-- I don't think I could have traveled.  I watched them survive -- stand tall -- and move forward, and I decided that I am the lucky one to be able to be in their space.  I have friends who inspire me in so many ways--they make me strive to be a better me, and it is those relationships that I want to nurture more…I decided that through their strength, I could keep discovering my own.  And, I am.

In the past year, I decided that preserving family time was something that I was committed to, fully and completely.  I realized that if I was asked to make a priority list in my life…my career is not in the top 5.  And I decided that I am OK with that!  I don't need to justify that or explain that to anyone.  It is simply my realization-my A-HA.  There are other pieces of my life that make up my top 5…my career isn't in that top 5.  And when I realized this, I also realized I shouldn't be expected to feel "bad" about that.  And, I know what this alignment means.  I know that my career is still important, but my priorities have shifted.  I have a co-worker who tells me often that I have changed so much in the past few years.  I take that as a compliment.  I am not afraid to change …not anymore. 

In the past year, I decided to make those changes, commit to those changes.  My motto for my school year became:  DO or DO NOT …there is NO TRY.  And now, as I look forward to the new year. my motto is REDO.  What do I want to REDO within my world?  

                                   I decided to REDO some things…one step at a time. 

 Stemming off of the Happiness Project and Happier At Home (both great reads by Gretchin Rubin), I decided to start making a list (check out WANDERLUST--it's awesome) for January.  My REDO's range from "to do's" to redoing pieces of my home.  

I decided to start a board on Pinterest of REDO's for my house decor and organization (this toddler thing is a beast!), and I decided to create a collection of quotes and phrases that help me refocus on keeping me centered and HAPPY :)

I FINALLY decided to start napping more…or resting more when my daughter naps.  (yes, we tell new moms to nap when the baby naps…I finally figured out how to do this, now that she is TWO!)  And, I decided NOT to feel guilty for being lazy, for relaxing (that word still rattles me a little), for curling up by the fire with a blanket instead of doing laundry.

I decided that working out and taking care of me-it's what I DO now.  It's becoming automatic.  I get up every M-F, and I work out.  Done.  NO more excuses.  

I decided that if I want to have some mommy friendships and connections, then I have to create that--so I decided to create a play date. :)

I decided to join/co-chair :) a book club with people that will help me grow. 

I decided to do gratitude journals with my class.  (talk about a shift in environment!!)

I decided that this year my husband and I are GOING to take a family vacation, and I am going to commit to more date nights :)

I decided that when my daughter says, "mommy play,"  I stop what I am doing, and I play.

I decided to start REDOing.  

                                             Sometimes, you have to look back, so you can look ahead…

                              A new year of decisions…and it's only January.   Happy New Year. 

My Insane Journey-Transformation Summer 2013 8.25.2013

As a teacher, the end of the school year-is like December 31st-
and the beginning of the school year-is like January 1st-
Which makes summer
the longest 24 hours of time
that goes incredibly fast.

By the time June 12th arrived, I was beyond exhausted.
178 days of taking classes, doing an internship, teaching a new grade
being a mommy to a sweet baby
trying to be a better partner to my husband
and trying to be a friend to my friends

                        overwhelmed

I needed a change...

You might think with all the changes I had endured, I'd be "satisfied"-"settled"
That's one of the things I know about me-
Rarely-
"satisfied"
Rarely-
"settled"

There's an old Alanis Morissette song called, "That I Would Be Good."

The lines...
"That I would be good
even when I'm overwhelmed."

the words-they tell me that it is OK

Which I know, but at the end of the school year, I didn't feel so OK.
Overwhelmed, but not OK.

I knew several weeks prior that I needed to make a change, but I didn't know where to begin
but I knew it had to be WITH ME
not someone or something else

I promised myself when I finished my masters that I would "take care of myself."
(my health, my well-being)

But, where does one even begin?

I knew that I didn't want to do something all my friends were doing
I knew I did not want to run
I knew that I did not want to join a gym and waste travel time
I didn't want to buy equipment that would collect dust
I knew I did not want to take a class where others would see me
I knew I had to do something that would be mine.  I had to own it.
Oh, and I wanted a transformation--over the summer.

It began...
With an infomercial-late at night-when I was home alone and the baby is asleep.

I was watching the informercial for Insanity-a rigorous 60 day program that involved moves that I couldn't fathom contorting my body into
             -yet
I was glued, fascinated.
I started googling and reading.
A few days later I posted on Facebook looking for feedback.
A co-worker let me borrow his DVD's

...and then they sat on my kitchen counter
staring at me each day as I left for work

***as a side note, I have never played a sport, exercised, ran a whole mile
I can't touch my toes, could never do a cartwheel or handstand, wasn't in the band or in any sort of dance, so I can't count a beat, and I had zero muscle tone-zero.
(although, I did give birth--that was a sort of work out)***

After school got out, I decided enough was enough.
I went to my basement, moved some things around, asked my husband to put the DVD player down there, and then-

I went down one day.  I pushed play.
I thought I would pass out from how hard my heart was pounding JUST from the jumping jacks during the fit test (the pre-work-out)
                       I mean--when was the last time I did a freaking jumping jack??
And then, the next day I went back.  I could barely make it though the warm up without stopping every minute or so.
And then, I went back for day three.
And somewhere into the second week, I saw changes in my body.  I was growing muscle.  My face was looking thinner.
I kept going.  I had to modify a lot because I physically could not get my body to do all the moves, but I kept moving.  Day after day, I went down into the basement, and I pressed play, and I worked as hard as I could in that moment on that day.  It was truly insane...

My pants became looser, and I started to feel some relief from the back pain I had been having since pregnancy in 2011.  I kept going.

My husband joined me too, and we became determined to master different portions of the workouts.  We encouraged each other to go to it each day. (Thank you, Tim!!!)

Then came month 2.  The workouts were almost an hour each, and the sequences were getting harder.  I thought I was going to die some days! (persevere...)

Then one day...I actually felt like I nailed the workout.  I had to keep going.  I was GOING to finish!

And yes, let me be honest.  There were days I was too tired.  There were days that my knees were killing me.  There were days after an evening of too many glasses of wine (but I still did it).  I did not miss one single workout, and I did all the double days.  I couldn't believe I was seeing ab muscles.  I couldn't believe that I got into "those" jeans.

One of the BEST rewards?  I could lift my daughter high over my head again. ...something we used to do all the time before she started weighing 30 pounds.  JOY.

The workout did something else.  It created a new connection between my husband and I--we chatted about how we were doing, and he was really proud of my dedication, and I was really grateful for the support and encouragement.  We didn't do the workout together, but we tag teamed watching our daughter so the other one could work out.  He was truly my biggest cheerleader.  He was the first person to notice the changes in me.  Our focus?  Maris.  We both have to stay strong to take care of her.  I remind myself all the time that I will be 58 when she graduates from high school.  I owe it to her to be as strong and healthy as possible.

On the last day, 8.18, I cried when I signed my initials.  60 days, and I did not let one excuse stop me.  I did not self-sabotage.  I made it.  It was like I put a new cape of confidence on my back...

               and today, I feel....good.

In the last 60 plus days, I have changed.  I changed my body.  I have lost inches all over my body, lost fat, and I actually have real muscle!  I went and cut four inches off my hair, and I sat in the sun for some summer color.  I got the bottom braces off.  I spent the whole summer with my family.  I took time to read.  I played.  I made some decisions about work...about the embarking school year.  I changed this summer...transformed.

               into a better me

I already started the next phase.  My amazing hair stylist told me about T25.  It's a 25 minute workout from the same trainer.  I decided to commit to this new workout before school and a healthy lunch each day.  A great fresh beginning.  Is it hard?  YES!  But, in one week, I am already seeing new results.  I am committing to me.  I made a promise to me, and I am keeping it.

Early in the summer a friend sent me a text.  I kept this little message.  I think about it every day as I walk down to the basement and DO.  I even decided to make it my motto for work.  In fact it has become my day to day motto.

DO OR DO NOT.  THERE IS NO TRY.

a letter to my friend--one year later 8.4.2013

sometimes you write for you...

One year ago, I lost my dear friend.  I wrote to her a year ago because I had so much to say to her, and I didn't know where to put all of those words.  Now, a year later...I want to take a moment to honor her, remember her, celebrate the amazing spirit she was and continues to be in my life.

I have been looking through so many, many cards and letters from her from the past ...20 years that we shared together, particularly from the last 10.  We met in 1993, and our friendship grew stronger and stronger each year.  Wendy was in my wedding in 2000.  I can still remember calling her from the apartment I shared with my hubby-to-be.  I called, got her **answering machine** (oh, how funny!),  and as I rambled onto the **cassette** (even funnier) about how I needed to ask her a very important question, she picked up, and said, "Meeshka!!" and I yelled, "I'm engaged, will you be in my wedding?!" She said yes, and on 9-9-2000, she indulged me in a dress that was too long, a hairdo that she called cornrows, and dealt with me in the most crazy of my many personalities.  I knew, dancing that day with her...seeing how happy she was for me--that our friendship had changed because now, we were truly friends for life.

           I just wish hers had been longer.

In those cards and letters, I found her again.  I found the person that I was blessed to know deeply, closely, intimately.  Most of the cards were from Hallmark's Maya Angelou Collection.  She and I have always been deeply fond and admiring of Ms. Angelou, and we both had the privilege of seeing her speak in person (although not together).  

Tumbling out of these cards and letters in her emphatic, messy, passionate spelling were all the words I needed today-and on many days to come...as I reflect and remember-
         my Wendy, a truly phenomenal woman

The card, here, on top: 

"Precious jewel.
you glow.
you shine."
~Maya Angelou

Dear Wen, 

Damn it. I miss you! I can't believe you have been gone a year.  I can't believe how many times I have started to text, call--wished I could visit you.  It has been quite a year since you left.  A year...a year that I really needed you here-- oh hell, what am I saying, I have always needed you.

I made it through teaching 2nd grade. I loved the class, and I really liked the age group.  Oh yeah, and I am taking this group to third.  I kinda miss those little first graders, though.  So, who knows what's next.  Going back last year was so difficult.  I missed you, and I was hurting, and I acted like I was ok.  I know, I know. but that was what I chose.  And--I made it through.

"You may not be a globe trekker, but you are adventurous, and you push yourself outside of your comfort zone. You are brave and you have a tremendous amount of fortitude" --you

Fall came and went so fast like it always does.  The season I love the most is always gone in a blink of an eye.  You were supposed to come back to see us during football season.  We were going to tailgate for a Buckeye game.  You were going to come visit Maris.  Oh Wen, you should see her.  She is incredible--the most fearless person I know, and she isn't even 2.  She loves the outdoors so much, and I know that you are influencing her.  I know it.  There simply is no other way to explain it...you are there, in her soul-inside the little person she is becoming each day.  She grabs the picture of the two of you when you came in February 2012 for our birthdays.  She grabs it, and she touches it.  She knocks over the picture of us from Elena's wedding.  She sees you.  I know she sees you.  I know it, and I believe it.

"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine.  I try to live my life according to that, and I see that you, do, too, perhaps unknowingly." --you

We had a forever winter--I know you know those all too well.  We didn't have 16 feet of snow, but we had a lot.  Tim was so happy for the snow.  He was like a little kid!  We went sledding, and I even had that damn snow fire I always said I was going to have!  It was cold and fun--I wish you could have been here.  You would have been so damn proud of me for just jumping into life.

You know, I do that more.  I am still a planner (well, sorta), but I just leap.  I jump up with an idea, and I say, let's go.  Because of that--we saw Santa, Maris danced in the rain, we had that snow fire, we opened the second bottle on a school night (gasp), we enjoyed a happy hour in the middle of the day, I take naps and forget about the laundry, I take more walks, take Maris to the park (yes, we go to the Metro Parks!!) ---I play more and work less!  And we still look into each person's eyes as we make a toast...always. Thank you for giving Tim and I that special tradition.

"I thought I'd let you know you're on my mind.  Hoping you are looking forward to summer, and you will TRULY take a break." --you

It seemed like Spring would never get here.  It reminded me of a card you sent telling me that you were traveling to Utah to find Spring because you were still feet upon feet under the snow.  As Spring arrived, I finally graduated with my master degree.  I can't believe I did it.  I know you were always cheering for me.  I remember that one of the last times you were here, we went for a long walk, and you said that I need to think about writing curriculum--that my *methods* were what people were looking for.  Well, I don't know if I am going to do that, but I did finish that damn master degree, passed the test, and I have my admin. license.  And your voice has been in my head over and over, "so what will you do next?"  I have a card you sent, "Good luck with your masters, you'll rock!"  I did.  And I *am* thinking "now what?"  And, I might have an idea.  Let me get through this third loop with these rock star kids, and I will keep you posted.  

So, the summer came, and you are never, ever going to believe what I have been doing?  No, really, you might fall over.  I, Meeshka, have been working out.  EVERYDAY!  No, really.  I started this Insanity workout, and that is the perfect name because clearly, I have reached the point of Insanity.  Oddly, it is the one thing keeping me a little more sane.  I physically feel better than I have in a long time.  I think of you so often when I am working out.  All the time you were fighting cancer, I would be mad at myself for not cherishing my health more.  Then I would hear your voice saying to stop punishing myself.  I always wanted to do something that I felt would honor you more, and yes, *this* is one of the things that I feel connects us.  I have also been doing more acts of kindness.  I have been trying to take the negative things I *feel* and create and *DO* more positive things.  And in reading your old cards, you must have seen this in me long before I did .... "You are a dynamic individual...you constantly exude kindness, compassion and empathy."  Why didn't I listen to you and embrace your words?  I wish you could see that I am finally beginning to live the life that you saw in me.  You took me up on that mountain snowshoeing and made me believe that I could do it (and I did).  One of the reasons I am still writing this blog is because of you-you believed in my writing.  You heard my voice.

In the days after you left us, I felt emotions that I didn't know I could feel-how to describe-how to heal. We had Maris' 9 month photo shoot scheduled, and my photographer was worried about rain and wanted to reschedule.  I wouldn't let her.  I was adamant that we go to this shoot.  I needed to feel joy.  And there-- as soon as we got there, the sky opened, and the sun peeked out.  That was you, wasn't it?  Thank you.  It started to pour the moment we got back into our car after an amazing photo session.  Wen, you made the sun shine, didn't you? You have been here all year.  A leaf falling through my sunroof, a sunny day at the zoo, rain on our tomato plants, snow days from school....it's you. 

But...

I can't lie.  I have had a few moments when I got angry with you.  But, only a few.  I won't let myself be mad because I choose to seek the comfort in knowing you aren't hurting anymore.  I *have* to believe that you are at peace and not hurting anymore.  I do believe it, and I believe that this beautiful night...70 degrees in August in Ohio...is your gift to us.    

"Another year full of discovery and growth! Another year of long distance chats, manic moments, and crazy families, and I love you unconditionally." --you

I will always talk to you about all of these things...and you will know and keep all of my secrets.

"All is well here, what a difference a year makes.  I love you and miss you"--you

A year does make a difference, and I do love and miss you indescribably.

"Now, if I can only start my memoir, you'll be the first to read it."--you

I can't write your memoir, but I can keep breathing your spirit, your energy, your beauty.

"When we see each other, it is as if not a week has passed, let alone months."--you

We will see each other .... we will. 

"But, I am glad that despite the distance, we are always close." --you

"I always feel like I'm at home when I'm at your home." --you

"Life is good, mostly.  I relish the moments-breathe in these collective memories that seem so inconsequential, but they are the stuff of life."--you

Oh Wen, I couldn't have said it better myself.  Life *is* good mostly.  I do breathe in the memories-as they are rushing past so quickly.  I hold onto them tighter before they leave.  I laugh more.  I play more.  I hug more.  I say I love you more.  I cry more.  I live more.

I miss you.  I really miss you.  Sending you happy vibes as you always sent me.  

Love you always,
Meeshka

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go.  Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
~Flavia

7.8.2013

I look around at a beautiful life

Been the upper side of down

Been the inside of out

But we breathe

We breathe

~Maybe Tomorrow, Sterephonics

~for this teacher, the end of the year brings hibernation followed by reflection...
I can recall watching Oprah long ago, and she was doing one of her shows on aging gracefully—whatever that means, and she made a comment to a woman who was in her early 40’s.  She said to the woman that when you turn 40, a light comes on, a clarity arrives, and your perspective changes.  I think I was in my early 30’s at the time.

As I was headed toward 40, I often thought of that comment.  It wasn’t the only time I had heard this proclamation.   My mentor at work told me the same thing one day over lunch – she said that something just clicks when you hit 40.

So, now as I am headed toward 42, I question this “click”- this “light”- this “clarity”

…no, I am not delusional enough to think that upon the stroke of midnight at the end of 39, there would be an awakening –but it is something I have been wondering since that birthday.

On my phone, I use the “notes” section to jot down my thoughts, my questions, my a-ha’s—

yet--for much of this year-2013, I have used it as an outlet for words that I kept inside-words I chose not to say-words I pushed away, stuffed into a little fragment of a sentence on a fake page on a cell phone

…looking at this page now, scrolling through the random words, some in all caps-some with exclamation marks following, some even misspelled (gasp!), looking to see if there was a “light” a “click” a “clarity” that revealed my foray into the 40’s…I saw something completely different

Teen angst.

Yes, I was taken aback as word after word that I shoved onto this device revealed what I could have written at 16… anger, frustration, self-doubt, jealousy, lack of confidence, sadness, denial, disappointment, wonder, hope, joy, pride, gratitude, confidence, self-assurance… and a plan to change- to conquer-to prevail-all intertwined on a yellow wall with brown lines…

Line after line of these quieted stifled emotions…

So, I get all the way to my 40’s for what? Teen angst?

Then, I looked through all the words

 –even though they were all typed in, they still looked like scribbles, rambles, tangent after tangent… and I realized that within those very lines were the clarity and the light

I didn’t say all those things—I didn’t share them-

well, that’s not true.  I shared them with very few people (and if you are reading this—you know I am talking about you…thank you)

But… I didn’t act or react to all of those thoughts and feelings.  I closed them in-kept them for only me-for when I was ready to face them, or in many cases, toss them aside,

Or better yet, I decided that I would NOT allow them to have any meaning-I would not let them matter

-I left them behind, just black words on a yellow page on an iphone app…

CLICK.