a letter to my friend--one year later 8.4.2013

sometimes you write for you...

One year ago, I lost my dear friend.  I wrote to her a year ago because I had so much to say to her, and I didn't know where to put all of those words.  Now, a year later...I want to take a moment to honor her, remember her, celebrate the amazing spirit she was and continues to be in my life.

I have been looking through so many, many cards and letters from her from the past ...20 years that we shared together, particularly from the last 10.  We met in 1993, and our friendship grew stronger and stronger each year.  Wendy was in my wedding in 2000.  I can still remember calling her from the apartment I shared with my hubby-to-be.  I called, got her **answering machine** (oh, how funny!),  and as I rambled onto the **cassette** (even funnier) about how I needed to ask her a very important question, she picked up, and said, "Meeshka!!" and I yelled, "I'm engaged, will you be in my wedding?!" She said yes, and on 9-9-2000, she indulged me in a dress that was too long, a hairdo that she called cornrows, and dealt with me in the most crazy of my many personalities.  I knew, dancing that day with her...seeing how happy she was for me--that our friendship had changed because now, we were truly friends for life.

           I just wish hers had been longer.

In those cards and letters, I found her again.  I found the person that I was blessed to know deeply, closely, intimately.  Most of the cards were from Hallmark's Maya Angelou Collection.  She and I have always been deeply fond and admiring of Ms. Angelou, and we both had the privilege of seeing her speak in person (although not together).  

Tumbling out of these cards and letters in her emphatic, messy, passionate spelling were all the words I needed today-and on many days to come...as I reflect and remember-
         my Wendy, a truly phenomenal woman

The card, here, on top: 

"Precious jewel.
you glow.
you shine."
~Maya Angelou

Dear Wen, 

Damn it. I miss you! I can't believe you have been gone a year.  I can't believe how many times I have started to text, call--wished I could visit you.  It has been quite a year since you left.  A year...a year that I really needed you here-- oh hell, what am I saying, I have always needed you.

I made it through teaching 2nd grade. I loved the class, and I really liked the age group.  Oh yeah, and I am taking this group to third.  I kinda miss those little first graders, though.  So, who knows what's next.  Going back last year was so difficult.  I missed you, and I was hurting, and I acted like I was ok.  I know, I know. but that was what I chose.  And--I made it through.

"You may not be a globe trekker, but you are adventurous, and you push yourself outside of your comfort zone. You are brave and you have a tremendous amount of fortitude" --you

Fall came and went so fast like it always does.  The season I love the most is always gone in a blink of an eye.  You were supposed to come back to see us during football season.  We were going to tailgate for a Buckeye game.  You were going to come visit Maris.  Oh Wen, you should see her.  She is incredible--the most fearless person I know, and she isn't even 2.  She loves the outdoors so much, and I know that you are influencing her.  I know it.  There simply is no other way to explain it...you are there, in her soul-inside the little person she is becoming each day.  She grabs the picture of the two of you when you came in February 2012 for our birthdays.  She grabs it, and she touches it.  She knocks over the picture of us from Elena's wedding.  She sees you.  I know she sees you.  I know it, and I believe it.

"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine.  I try to live my life according to that, and I see that you, do, too, perhaps unknowingly." --you

We had a forever winter--I know you know those all too well.  We didn't have 16 feet of snow, but we had a lot.  Tim was so happy for the snow.  He was like a little kid!  We went sledding, and I even had that damn snow fire I always said I was going to have!  It was cold and fun--I wish you could have been here.  You would have been so damn proud of me for just jumping into life.

You know, I do that more.  I am still a planner (well, sorta), but I just leap.  I jump up with an idea, and I say, let's go.  Because of that--we saw Santa, Maris danced in the rain, we had that snow fire, we opened the second bottle on a school night (gasp), we enjoyed a happy hour in the middle of the day, I take naps and forget about the laundry, I take more walks, take Maris to the park (yes, we go to the Metro Parks!!) ---I play more and work less!  And we still look into each person's eyes as we make a toast...always. Thank you for giving Tim and I that special tradition.

"I thought I'd let you know you're on my mind.  Hoping you are looking forward to summer, and you will TRULY take a break." --you

It seemed like Spring would never get here.  It reminded me of a card you sent telling me that you were traveling to Utah to find Spring because you were still feet upon feet under the snow.  As Spring arrived, I finally graduated with my master degree.  I can't believe I did it.  I know you were always cheering for me.  I remember that one of the last times you were here, we went for a long walk, and you said that I need to think about writing curriculum--that my *methods* were what people were looking for.  Well, I don't know if I am going to do that, but I did finish that damn master degree, passed the test, and I have my admin. license.  And your voice has been in my head over and over, "so what will you do next?"  I have a card you sent, "Good luck with your masters, you'll rock!"  I did.  And I *am* thinking "now what?"  And, I might have an idea.  Let me get through this third loop with these rock star kids, and I will keep you posted.  

So, the summer came, and you are never, ever going to believe what I have been doing?  No, really, you might fall over.  I, Meeshka, have been working out.  EVERYDAY!  No, really.  I started this Insanity workout, and that is the perfect name because clearly, I have reached the point of Insanity.  Oddly, it is the one thing keeping me a little more sane.  I physically feel better than I have in a long time.  I think of you so often when I am working out.  All the time you were fighting cancer, I would be mad at myself for not cherishing my health more.  Then I would hear your voice saying to stop punishing myself.  I always wanted to do something that I felt would honor you more, and yes, *this* is one of the things that I feel connects us.  I have also been doing more acts of kindness.  I have been trying to take the negative things I *feel* and create and *DO* more positive things.  And in reading your old cards, you must have seen this in me long before I did .... "You are a dynamic individual...you constantly exude kindness, compassion and empathy."  Why didn't I listen to you and embrace your words?  I wish you could see that I am finally beginning to live the life that you saw in me.  You took me up on that mountain snowshoeing and made me believe that I could do it (and I did).  One of the reasons I am still writing this blog is because of you-you believed in my writing.  You heard my voice.

In the days after you left us, I felt emotions that I didn't know I could feel-how to describe-how to heal. We had Maris' 9 month photo shoot scheduled, and my photographer was worried about rain and wanted to reschedule.  I wouldn't let her.  I was adamant that we go to this shoot.  I needed to feel joy.  And there-- as soon as we got there, the sky opened, and the sun peeked out.  That was you, wasn't it?  Thank you.  It started to pour the moment we got back into our car after an amazing photo session.  Wen, you made the sun shine, didn't you? You have been here all year.  A leaf falling through my sunroof, a sunny day at the zoo, rain on our tomato plants, snow days from school....it's you. 

But...

I can't lie.  I have had a few moments when I got angry with you.  But, only a few.  I won't let myself be mad because I choose to seek the comfort in knowing you aren't hurting anymore.  I *have* to believe that you are at peace and not hurting anymore.  I do believe it, and I believe that this beautiful night...70 degrees in August in Ohio...is your gift to us.    

"Another year full of discovery and growth! Another year of long distance chats, manic moments, and crazy families, and I love you unconditionally." --you

I will always talk to you about all of these things...and you will know and keep all of my secrets.

"All is well here, what a difference a year makes.  I love you and miss you"--you

A year does make a difference, and I do love and miss you indescribably.

"Now, if I can only start my memoir, you'll be the first to read it."--you

I can't write your memoir, but I can keep breathing your spirit, your energy, your beauty.

"When we see each other, it is as if not a week has passed, let alone months."--you

We will see each other .... we will. 

"But, I am glad that despite the distance, we are always close." --you

"I always feel like I'm at home when I'm at your home." --you

"Life is good, mostly.  I relish the moments-breathe in these collective memories that seem so inconsequential, but they are the stuff of life."--you

Oh Wen, I couldn't have said it better myself.  Life *is* good mostly.  I do breathe in the memories-as they are rushing past so quickly.  I hold onto them tighter before they leave.  I laugh more.  I play more.  I hug more.  I say I love you more.  I cry more.  I live more.

I miss you.  I really miss you.  Sending you happy vibes as you always sent me.  

Love you always,
Meeshka

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go.  Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
~Flavia