positive thinking? visualization? is that real? 7.10.2014

Well, another school year is complete, and I spent the last few weeks decompressing, cleaning (a little), and doing what I do best…thinking.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day…

OK, let me stop here.   Here’s the thing about a personal blog.  If I am going to write about my life, the fact is…I do have friends in my life.  So, if you see “your” story here, please take it as a compliment that I thought about our time and connection together and wanted to mention it here.  I rarely ever choose to put names in my blog.  So, you can also un-assume it is about you, and you can just read the post.

Positive or negative, if you’re mentioned here, I most likely think a lot of you.

So, in my conversation, we were talking about the power of positive thinking.  We were talking about the validity of “thinking and visualizing.”  We talked about the notion of putting energy into the universe and how that energy comes back to you. Some might refer to this as the “Secret,” a theory on living based on a bestselling book from several years back.  If you are an “Oprah” person, you probably are very familiar with this concept…She is a huge believer and advocate of this philosophy.

My friend asked if I believed in it.  As we chatted, I shared some of the ways I do believe in it, and some of the ways I incorporate it in my life.   I told her I believe in making lists, putting goals and desires in writing, and I believe in the power of a vision board, creating a collage of images and words of goals you have for your life.

I shared a story with her that I will share here:  When I was in 3^rd grade, I went to a school in the same community I work now (stay tuned).  In the 3^rd grade, I had a student teacher (Miss Chrisman was her name, and I wish I could find her now to share this).  At the end of her time with us, she wrote us these adorable predictions of where we would be in our lives in the year 2005.  I remember thinking even as a 9 year old…”Why would she pick 2005?  I will be 32 by then.”

I tucked the prediction into a scrapbook.  It stayed there for the next 22 years.

Let me restate something I have mentioned in a previous post…I don’t believe in coincidences.

Later, as my life unfolded—not everything went according to plan.   As I mentioned before, college wasn’t all cram sessions and coffee.   While I was working for Kroger (a job I had had since 16), I eventually moved to the catering division, as an event planner.  While I was there (I was miserable), I wrote in my journal a lot.  I was doing a gratitude journal at the time, but one day, after work, I wrote:

“On February 24^th, 2000, I will have a new job.”

True story:  On February 24^th, my best friend called me on the phone, and she said, “Hi.  Do you want a new job?”  I ended up interviewing and getting a job at Head Start as a family service worker.  

As time went on, I still had my dream (of becoming a teacher or a writer).   I was sitting in the office one day, and I overheard another friend talking about the teacher licensure program at Ohio Dominican.  I made an appointment, and I was on my way. 

After a long road to obtain my licensure, I was ready for the interviews.  I created my portfolio, and then I went into the basement.  I dug out the prediction that I had tucked into my scrapbook. 

“In the year 2005, MT, will become a third grade teacher at Etna Road Elementary School.” 

It was now 2004.   I didn’t get hired at the school where I had been subbing.  Broken and sad, with no other “bites,” I saw a posting for a 1^st grade job in the community where I grew up, Whitehall.  The interview wasn’t at Etna Road.  It was at Beechwood, one of the other elementary schools.   I had been working summer school in the district that DIDN’T hire me (I was already committed).  But…that principal knew the principal at Beechwood very well (no coincidences), and I got an interview.  I took my prediction with me.   I got the job.  In fact, I wasn’t even home before I got the call with the offer. 

In 2004, MT became a first grade teacher at Beechwood Elementary, and in 2005, she was 32, and she was teaching in the same district as the prediction.

These are two small examples of how the power of written word and positive energy has influenced and shaped my life’s journey. 

As my friend and I chatted, she began to share that maybe, just maybe, there was some “food for thought” in what I was sharing.  I explained that I had created a vision board that was mainly focused on having a baby (which I have discussed at length in a previous post).  The vision board also reflected my feelings about how I believe that the kitchen is the heart of the home and family.  There were also many images and words about begin active and choosing a healthy lifestyle.  The board isn’t magic, of course.  I made it in December 2010.  She was born in November 2011.  The heart of my family is our kitchen, and it is also the heart of many of my friendships.  That active lifestyle, also mentioned in a previous post, began in June 2013, and it has grown stronger and stronger.  It is a part of not just my life, but also for my husband and daughter, who is now 31 months old.

I have also incorporated the power of positive thinking and visualization into my classroom.  This past year was my first foray into teaching in a “testing grade.”  As the big test date came closer and closer, I wanted to teach my students some strategies for taking the test—and for life.   We took construction paper, and we folded it into 4 boxes.  In one box, we wrote the strategy that works best for me for “what to do when I am tired, and I’m stuck.”  In another box, we wrote one happy memory that we could think of if we need a quick brain break in the middle of the test.  In a third box, we wrote 1-3 words that get us going when we need a push.  In the last box, we wrote the score we wanted to see on the paper when we got our score in the mail.  Below is an example of what my 4 box looked like:

Looking up at the ceiling/visualizing (my strategy)	When Maris was born, and I looked into her eyes for the first time. (a happy memory/thought)
PERSEVERANCE BELIEVE  (the words that keep me going)	445  (my pretend score)

The kids looked at this 4 box each time we “practiced,” and they also read over it one last time before the test.  It was their reminder that they had strategies and strength.  Did it work?  Did this translate into "high" scores?  All I will say is this…I am damn proud of them, and I do believe that they took that test feeling positive and believing in themselves.  And, that…well, that -a positive feeling a belief in oneself- is for life.

In the last few years, I have been cautious about what I “put out there” into the universe.  I am cautious not to say things that I really don’t want to happen.  I am a believer in what “positive” things could happen.    It isn’t really that “out there” as one might think.  Actually, I saw the perfect pin on Pinterest recently that

captures this belief and philosophy spot on: 

It doesn't seem to want to post here, but this is what it says:

Decide what it is you want.

Write that shit down.

Make a fucking plan.

And…

Work on it.

Every.

Single.

Day.

Damn good advice.  You want it…put it out there, and then GO GET IT!

  

Random Musings in April 2014

I have started and scrapped so many posts lately, and I am not sure why.  My journal(s) are filled with scribbles, rambles, lists, rants, and many expletives.  So, tonight… a small ramble of my rambles:

(in no particular order)


when and how did social networking become so addictive?

when you ask someone how they are, and they say, "I'm fine."…it might be bullshit…and it might not

am I ever going to be skinny?  ever?  (no, but I am getting StRoNg)

I am excited to be in a book club…to begin rediscovering me in new ways (more to come on this)

who the hell do any of us think we are?  do we even know?  (hence the book club)

watching and hearing a child get excited over a book is incredible…I am so lucky I do what I do

how can five notes from a song literally change your complete mood and demeanor (in various ways)

I never thought that I would be 42 with a 2 year old….I never thought I would be 42 with a 2 year old

"life is a balance of holding on and letting go"~rumi

if you can't find the time in 60 days, 78 days, 139 days, you aren't going to find the time…be honest

I get to create and recreate who and how I am each and every day…and that is pretty damn cool

...which…is good--because I am never going to be perfect like I always dreamed…

how is it that I carried her for 9 months, and for the past 3 … I have been invisible? (this has been one of the most painful pieces of being a mommy…knowing she only wants daddy)  

if you do what you have always done……you REALLY do get what you always got…

if you think you know me…you are probably wrong (I'm complicated)

mascara is magic…I love mascara

I still cannot believe I work out now!! (me!!??)

once I stopped making excuses--it felt so good…damn good

I over think…it is what I do.  Stop telling me to relax and let it go…

"good grief" is one of my new favorite sayings  (It is almost replacing "shiest")

sharing wine with my hubby at our kitchen table is one of my favorite things in the world

patio season is coming (and we need new patio furniture!!)

listening to my daughter role play with her babies is the most precious thing ever…("you wanna go to the park baby?")

it's never too late to become good friends with an old buddy

I can finally put my daughter's hair in pigtails!!!

I love seeing my friends' dreams come true…love love love it

being the dark horse must be fun--(but what does it mean, really)

I remembered the other day that when I was little, I used to hear, "She's Always A Woman" on the radio by Billy Joel, and I used to think..I want to be like that woman when I get older.  (that says a lot about how complicated I really am)

you never really leave the east side

I cannot bear to say good-bye to this class (but I will --)

I have been repeating the same patterns of behavior since my earliest journals… (I will just blame my mom)

I love rocking my girl at night and telling the same stories over and over (I hope someday--those are the tales she blogs about)

I really am going to make my recipe book (I have an added feature other cookbooks don't have!!)

I never go to bed early when I say I am…

yep, this is how my mind runs….

the sun one minute-then she's pouring down rain (david nail)

….what are your rambles??

REDO …Happy New Year 1.12.2014

It has been awhile since I last blogged.  I had many scribbles of things I wanted to say, and then I got a new phone, my "cloud" failed me, and I lost a year and a half of my "notes."

it was this glitch that began a new chain of thinking...

Perspective is powerful.

When I realized I lost all of those words...I was upset.  Then, I was relieved.  I couldn't go back and see those thoughts, but I also couldn't go back and re-live them either. 

As 2013 came to a close, I began thinking about all this "resolution" business.  People sitting down, creating these "resolves."  I started thinking about how I approached last year and the year before, and I realized that I hadn't made any real resolutions, but rather, I had made some hard and fast DECISIONS.

In the past year, I decided to make my way through the final months of the school year, a year that was quite possibly the most difficult of my career (yes, even more difficult than year one-simply because in year one, I had nothing to compare it to).  

I have a hard and fast rule in life--one that my students can tell you very well:  I don't make promises I can't keep.  

I promised my team to be there til the end of the school year, and I was.  Yet, I wasn't just promising them a member of a team, I was promising to myself that I would stay at my school until the end.  I had been looking outward …but I would never walk from a commitment.  And I stayed.  

In the past year, I decided to finish that damn internship, to complete my master degree, even after I learned that I could drag it out another two years.  I decided I was going to graduate, and that meant I had to complete the work.  And, I did. 

In the past year, I decided that I would, in fact, get healthy.  For the first time in my life, I decided to work out, to push my body far past the hard limits I had afforded it.  I decided that after the third day of Insanity that I would keep going.  I decided that I would not make excuses--too tired, don't feel like it, too many cocktails the night before.  I decided that even on double days, I would push myself.  Some people say I have willpower.  Nope, I just decided.  

In the past year, I decided to come back to work, physically and mentally.  After choosing to hide under a rock for a year, choosing to keep my mouth shut, and conforming-or what I felt was conforming (ugh!!), I was ready to let my voice be heard (those were my choices--looking back, I chose to do that, and I can only blame me for that).  But, I decided that I would not do that without heeding the hard, tough, excruciatingly painful lessons (and they still sting sometimes) that I had learned… Looking back, sometimes those lessons felt like I was cramming my face into a pile of suffocating mud.  No, that's really what it felt like.   I don't easily "let things go."  I wasn't sure that coming back was what I really wanted to do…but I was given an opportunity to loop again with my little 1st graders, then 2nd graders…, and I decided to say yes, and I committed to those families.  But, as I said before- I would never walk from a commitment.  So, I came back for them.  And I decided to give it my best.  And, I have.  And what do you know, in this decision,  I realized I still love what I do.  I'm having a really great school year.  (sometimes, you just have to DO it!)

In the past year, I decided to REALLY focus my energy on the relationships that reciprocate (although…).  In the past year, I watched several friends go through challenges that --quite frankly-- I don't think I could have traveled.  I watched them survive -- stand tall -- and move forward, and I decided that I am the lucky one to be able to be in their space.  I have friends who inspire me in so many ways--they make me strive to be a better me, and it is those relationships that I want to nurture more…I decided that through their strength, I could keep discovering my own.  And, I am.

In the past year, I decided that preserving family time was something that I was committed to, fully and completely.  I realized that if I was asked to make a priority list in my life…my career is not in the top 5.  And I decided that I am OK with that!  I don't need to justify that or explain that to anyone.  It is simply my realization-my A-HA.  There are other pieces of my life that make up my top 5…my career isn't in that top 5.  And when I realized this, I also realized I shouldn't be expected to feel "bad" about that.  And, I know what this alignment means.  I know that my career is still important, but my priorities have shifted.  I have a co-worker who tells me often that I have changed so much in the past few years.  I take that as a compliment.  I am not afraid to change …not anymore. 

In the past year, I decided to make those changes, commit to those changes.  My motto for my school year became:  DO or DO NOT …there is NO TRY.  And now, as I look forward to the new year. my motto is REDO.  What do I want to REDO within my world?  

                                   I decided to REDO some things…one step at a time. 

 Stemming off of the Happiness Project and Happier At Home (both great reads by Gretchin Rubin), I decided to start making a list (check out WANDERLUST--it's awesome) for January.  My REDO's range from "to do's" to redoing pieces of my home.  

I decided to start a board on Pinterest of REDO's for my house decor and organization (this toddler thing is a beast!), and I decided to create a collection of quotes and phrases that help me refocus on keeping me centered and HAPPY :)

I FINALLY decided to start napping more…or resting more when my daughter naps.  (yes, we tell new moms to nap when the baby naps…I finally figured out how to do this, now that she is TWO!)  And, I decided NOT to feel guilty for being lazy, for relaxing (that word still rattles me a little), for curling up by the fire with a blanket instead of doing laundry.

I decided that working out and taking care of me-it's what I DO now.  It's becoming automatic.  I get up every M-F, and I work out.  Done.  NO more excuses.  

I decided that if I want to have some mommy friendships and connections, then I have to create that--so I decided to create a play date. :)

I decided to join/co-chair :) a book club with people that will help me grow. 

I decided to do gratitude journals with my class.  (talk about a shift in environment!!)

I decided that this year my husband and I are GOING to take a family vacation, and I am going to commit to more date nights :)

I decided that when my daughter says, "mommy play,"  I stop what I am doing, and I play.

I decided to start REDOing.  

                                             Sometimes, you have to look back, so you can look ahead…

                              A new year of decisions…and it's only January.   Happy New Year. 

My Insane Journey-Transformation Summer 2013 8.25.2013

As a teacher, the end of the school year-is like December 31st-
and the beginning of the school year-is like January 1st-
Which makes summer
the longest 24 hours of time
that goes incredibly fast.

By the time June 12th arrived, I was beyond exhausted.
178 days of taking classes, doing an internship, teaching a new grade
being a mommy to a sweet baby
trying to be a better partner to my husband
and trying to be a friend to my friends

                        overwhelmed

I needed a change...

You might think with all the changes I had endured, I'd be "satisfied"-"settled"
That's one of the things I know about me-
Rarely-
"satisfied"
Rarely-
"settled"

There's an old Alanis Morissette song called, "That I Would Be Good."

The lines...
"That I would be good
even when I'm overwhelmed."

the words-they tell me that it is OK

Which I know, but at the end of the school year, I didn't feel so OK.
Overwhelmed, but not OK.

I knew several weeks prior that I needed to make a change, but I didn't know where to begin
but I knew it had to be WITH ME
not someone or something else

I promised myself when I finished my masters that I would "take care of myself."
(my health, my well-being)

But, where does one even begin?

I knew that I didn't want to do something all my friends were doing
I knew I did not want to run
I knew that I did not want to join a gym and waste travel time
I didn't want to buy equipment that would collect dust
I knew I did not want to take a class where others would see me
I knew I had to do something that would be mine.  I had to own it.
Oh, and I wanted a transformation--over the summer.

It began...
With an infomercial-late at night-when I was home alone and the baby is asleep.

I was watching the informercial for Insanity-a rigorous 60 day program that involved moves that I couldn't fathom contorting my body into
             -yet
I was glued, fascinated.
I started googling and reading.
A few days later I posted on Facebook looking for feedback.
A co-worker let me borrow his DVD's

...and then they sat on my kitchen counter
staring at me each day as I left for work

***as a side note, I have never played a sport, exercised, ran a whole mile
I can't touch my toes, could never do a cartwheel or handstand, wasn't in the band or in any sort of dance, so I can't count a beat, and I had zero muscle tone-zero.
(although, I did give birth--that was a sort of work out)***

After school got out, I decided enough was enough.
I went to my basement, moved some things around, asked my husband to put the DVD player down there, and then-

I went down one day.  I pushed play.
I thought I would pass out from how hard my heart was pounding JUST from the jumping jacks during the fit test (the pre-work-out)
                       I mean--when was the last time I did a freaking jumping jack??
And then, the next day I went back.  I could barely make it though the warm up without stopping every minute or so.
And then, I went back for day three.
And somewhere into the second week, I saw changes in my body.  I was growing muscle.  My face was looking thinner.
I kept going.  I had to modify a lot because I physically could not get my body to do all the moves, but I kept moving.  Day after day, I went down into the basement, and I pressed play, and I worked as hard as I could in that moment on that day.  It was truly insane...

My pants became looser, and I started to feel some relief from the back pain I had been having since pregnancy in 2011.  I kept going.

My husband joined me too, and we became determined to master different portions of the workouts.  We encouraged each other to go to it each day. (Thank you, Tim!!!)

Then came month 2.  The workouts were almost an hour each, and the sequences were getting harder.  I thought I was going to die some days! (persevere...)

Then one day...I actually felt like I nailed the workout.  I had to keep going.  I was GOING to finish!

And yes, let me be honest.  There were days I was too tired.  There were days that my knees were killing me.  There were days after an evening of too many glasses of wine (but I still did it).  I did not miss one single workout, and I did all the double days.  I couldn't believe I was seeing ab muscles.  I couldn't believe that I got into "those" jeans.

One of the BEST rewards?  I could lift my daughter high over my head again. ...something we used to do all the time before she started weighing 30 pounds.  JOY.

The workout did something else.  It created a new connection between my husband and I--we chatted about how we were doing, and he was really proud of my dedication, and I was really grateful for the support and encouragement.  We didn't do the workout together, but we tag teamed watching our daughter so the other one could work out.  He was truly my biggest cheerleader.  He was the first person to notice the changes in me.  Our focus?  Maris.  We both have to stay strong to take care of her.  I remind myself all the time that I will be 58 when she graduates from high school.  I owe it to her to be as strong and healthy as possible.

On the last day, 8.18, I cried when I signed my initials.  60 days, and I did not let one excuse stop me.  I did not self-sabotage.  I made it.  It was like I put a new cape of confidence on my back...

               and today, I feel....good.

In the last 60 plus days, I have changed.  I changed my body.  I have lost inches all over my body, lost fat, and I actually have real muscle!  I went and cut four inches off my hair, and I sat in the sun for some summer color.  I got the bottom braces off.  I spent the whole summer with my family.  I took time to read.  I played.  I made some decisions about work...about the embarking school year.  I changed this summer...transformed.

               into a better me

I already started the next phase.  My amazing hair stylist told me about T25.  It's a 25 minute workout from the same trainer.  I decided to commit to this new workout before school and a healthy lunch each day.  A great fresh beginning.  Is it hard?  YES!  But, in one week, I am already seeing new results.  I am committing to me.  I made a promise to me, and I am keeping it.

Early in the summer a friend sent me a text.  I kept this little message.  I think about it every day as I walk down to the basement and DO.  I even decided to make it my motto for work.  In fact it has become my day to day motto.

DO OR DO NOT.  THERE IS NO TRY.

a letter to my friend--one year later 8.4.2013

sometimes you write for you...

One year ago, I lost my dear friend.  I wrote to her a year ago because I had so much to say to her, and I didn't know where to put all of those words.  Now, a year later...I want to take a moment to honor her, remember her, celebrate the amazing spirit she was and continues to be in my life.

I have been looking through so many, many cards and letters from her from the past ...20 years that we shared together, particularly from the last 10.  We met in 1993, and our friendship grew stronger and stronger each year.  Wendy was in my wedding in 2000.  I can still remember calling her from the apartment I shared with my hubby-to-be.  I called, got her **answering machine** (oh, how funny!),  and as I rambled onto the **cassette** (even funnier) about how I needed to ask her a very important question, she picked up, and said, "Meeshka!!" and I yelled, "I'm engaged, will you be in my wedding?!" She said yes, and on 9-9-2000, she indulged me in a dress that was too long, a hairdo that she called cornrows, and dealt with me in the most crazy of my many personalities.  I knew, dancing that day with her...seeing how happy she was for me--that our friendship had changed because now, we were truly friends for life.

           I just wish hers had been longer.

In those cards and letters, I found her again.  I found the person that I was blessed to know deeply, closely, intimately.  Most of the cards were from Hallmark's Maya Angelou Collection.  She and I have always been deeply fond and admiring of Ms. Angelou, and we both had the privilege of seeing her speak in person (although not together).  

Tumbling out of these cards and letters in her emphatic, messy, passionate spelling were all the words I needed today-and on many days to come...as I reflect and remember-
         my Wendy, a truly phenomenal woman

The card, here, on top: 

"Precious jewel.
you glow.
you shine."
~Maya Angelou

Dear Wen, 

Damn it. I miss you! I can't believe you have been gone a year.  I can't believe how many times I have started to text, call--wished I could visit you.  It has been quite a year since you left.  A year...a year that I really needed you here-- oh hell, what am I saying, I have always needed you.

I made it through teaching 2nd grade. I loved the class, and I really liked the age group.  Oh yeah, and I am taking this group to third.  I kinda miss those little first graders, though.  So, who knows what's next.  Going back last year was so difficult.  I missed you, and I was hurting, and I acted like I was ok.  I know, I know. but that was what I chose.  And--I made it through.

"You may not be a globe trekker, but you are adventurous, and you push yourself outside of your comfort zone. You are brave and you have a tremendous amount of fortitude" --you

Fall came and went so fast like it always does.  The season I love the most is always gone in a blink of an eye.  You were supposed to come back to see us during football season.  We were going to tailgate for a Buckeye game.  You were going to come visit Maris.  Oh Wen, you should see her.  She is incredible--the most fearless person I know, and she isn't even 2.  She loves the outdoors so much, and I know that you are influencing her.  I know it.  There simply is no other way to explain it...you are there, in her soul-inside the little person she is becoming each day.  She grabs the picture of the two of you when you came in February 2012 for our birthdays.  She grabs it, and she touches it.  She knocks over the picture of us from Elena's wedding.  She sees you.  I know she sees you.  I know it, and I believe it.

"This little light of mine, I'm going to let it shine.  I try to live my life according to that, and I see that you, do, too, perhaps unknowingly." --you

We had a forever winter--I know you know those all too well.  We didn't have 16 feet of snow, but we had a lot.  Tim was so happy for the snow.  He was like a little kid!  We went sledding, and I even had that damn snow fire I always said I was going to have!  It was cold and fun--I wish you could have been here.  You would have been so damn proud of me for just jumping into life.

You know, I do that more.  I am still a planner (well, sorta), but I just leap.  I jump up with an idea, and I say, let's go.  Because of that--we saw Santa, Maris danced in the rain, we had that snow fire, we opened the second bottle on a school night (gasp), we enjoyed a happy hour in the middle of the day, I take naps and forget about the laundry, I take more walks, take Maris to the park (yes, we go to the Metro Parks!!) ---I play more and work less!  And we still look into each person's eyes as we make a toast...always. Thank you for giving Tim and I that special tradition.

"I thought I'd let you know you're on my mind.  Hoping you are looking forward to summer, and you will TRULY take a break." --you

It seemed like Spring would never get here.  It reminded me of a card you sent telling me that you were traveling to Utah to find Spring because you were still feet upon feet under the snow.  As Spring arrived, I finally graduated with my master degree.  I can't believe I did it.  I know you were always cheering for me.  I remember that one of the last times you were here, we went for a long walk, and you said that I need to think about writing curriculum--that my *methods* were what people were looking for.  Well, I don't know if I am going to do that, but I did finish that damn master degree, passed the test, and I have my admin. license.  And your voice has been in my head over and over, "so what will you do next?"  I have a card you sent, "Good luck with your masters, you'll rock!"  I did.  And I *am* thinking "now what?"  And, I might have an idea.  Let me get through this third loop with these rock star kids, and I will keep you posted.  

So, the summer came, and you are never, ever going to believe what I have been doing?  No, really, you might fall over.  I, Meeshka, have been working out.  EVERYDAY!  No, really.  I started this Insanity workout, and that is the perfect name because clearly, I have reached the point of Insanity.  Oddly, it is the one thing keeping me a little more sane.  I physically feel better than I have in a long time.  I think of you so often when I am working out.  All the time you were fighting cancer, I would be mad at myself for not cherishing my health more.  Then I would hear your voice saying to stop punishing myself.  I always wanted to do something that I felt would honor you more, and yes, *this* is one of the things that I feel connects us.  I have also been doing more acts of kindness.  I have been trying to take the negative things I *feel* and create and *DO* more positive things.  And in reading your old cards, you must have seen this in me long before I did .... "You are a dynamic individual...you constantly exude kindness, compassion and empathy."  Why didn't I listen to you and embrace your words?  I wish you could see that I am finally beginning to live the life that you saw in me.  You took me up on that mountain snowshoeing and made me believe that I could do it (and I did).  One of the reasons I am still writing this blog is because of you-you believed in my writing.  You heard my voice.

In the days after you left us, I felt emotions that I didn't know I could feel-how to describe-how to heal. We had Maris' 9 month photo shoot scheduled, and my photographer was worried about rain and wanted to reschedule.  I wouldn't let her.  I was adamant that we go to this shoot.  I needed to feel joy.  And there-- as soon as we got there, the sky opened, and the sun peeked out.  That was you, wasn't it?  Thank you.  It started to pour the moment we got back into our car after an amazing photo session.  Wen, you made the sun shine, didn't you? You have been here all year.  A leaf falling through my sunroof, a sunny day at the zoo, rain on our tomato plants, snow days from school....it's you. 

But...

I can't lie.  I have had a few moments when I got angry with you.  But, only a few.  I won't let myself be mad because I choose to seek the comfort in knowing you aren't hurting anymore.  I *have* to believe that you are at peace and not hurting anymore.  I do believe it, and I believe that this beautiful night...70 degrees in August in Ohio...is your gift to us.    

"Another year full of discovery and growth! Another year of long distance chats, manic moments, and crazy families, and I love you unconditionally." --you

I will always talk to you about all of these things...and you will know and keep all of my secrets.

"All is well here, what a difference a year makes.  I love you and miss you"--you

A year does make a difference, and I do love and miss you indescribably.

"Now, if I can only start my memoir, you'll be the first to read it."--you

I can't write your memoir, but I can keep breathing your spirit, your energy, your beauty.

"When we see each other, it is as if not a week has passed, let alone months."--you

We will see each other .... we will. 

"But, I am glad that despite the distance, we are always close." --you

"I always feel like I'm at home when I'm at your home." --you

"Life is good, mostly.  I relish the moments-breathe in these collective memories that seem so inconsequential, but they are the stuff of life."--you

Oh Wen, I couldn't have said it better myself.  Life *is* good mostly.  I do breathe in the memories-as they are rushing past so quickly.  I hold onto them tighter before they leave.  I laugh more.  I play more.  I hug more.  I say I love you more.  I cry more.  I live more.

I miss you.  I really miss you.  Sending you happy vibes as you always sent me.  

Love you always,
Meeshka

"Some people come into our lives and quickly go.  Some stay for awhile, leave footprints on our hearts, and we are never, ever the same."
~Flavia

7.8.2013

I look around at a beautiful life

Been the upper side of down

Been the inside of out

But we breathe

We breathe

~Maybe Tomorrow, Sterephonics

~for this teacher, the end of the year brings hibernation followed by reflection...
I can recall watching Oprah long ago, and she was doing one of her shows on aging gracefully—whatever that means, and she made a comment to a woman who was in her early 40’s.  She said to the woman that when you turn 40, a light comes on, a clarity arrives, and your perspective changes.  I think I was in my early 30’s at the time.

As I was headed toward 40, I often thought of that comment.  It wasn’t the only time I had heard this proclamation.   My mentor at work told me the same thing one day over lunch – she said that something just clicks when you hit 40.

So, now as I am headed toward 42, I question this “click”- this “light”- this “clarity”

…no, I am not delusional enough to think that upon the stroke of midnight at the end of 39, there would be an awakening –but it is something I have been wondering since that birthday.

On my phone, I use the “notes” section to jot down my thoughts, my questions, my a-ha’s—

yet--for much of this year-2013, I have used it as an outlet for words that I kept inside-words I chose not to say-words I pushed away, stuffed into a little fragment of a sentence on a fake page on a cell phone

…looking at this page now, scrolling through the random words, some in all caps-some with exclamation marks following, some even misspelled (gasp!), looking to see if there was a “light” a “click” a “clarity” that revealed my foray into the 40’s…I saw something completely different

Teen angst.

Yes, I was taken aback as word after word that I shoved onto this device revealed what I could have written at 16… anger, frustration, self-doubt, jealousy, lack of confidence, sadness, denial, disappointment, wonder, hope, joy, pride, gratitude, confidence, self-assurance… and a plan to change- to conquer-to prevail-all intertwined on a yellow wall with brown lines…

Line after line of these quieted stifled emotions…

So, I get all the way to my 40’s for what? Teen angst?

Then, I looked through all the words

 –even though they were all typed in, they still looked like scribbles, rambles, tangent after tangent… and I realized that within those very lines were the clarity and the light

I didn’t say all those things—I didn’t share them-

well, that’s not true.  I shared them with very few people (and if you are reading this—you know I am talking about you…thank you)

But… I didn’t act or react to all of those thoughts and feelings.  I closed them in-kept them for only me-for when I was ready to face them, or in many cases, toss them aside,

Or better yet, I decided that I would NOT allow them to have any meaning-I would not let them matter

-I left them behind, just black words on a yellow page on an iphone app…

CLICK.

I did it...the story in black and white-for me...4.28.2013

The path to 41 has begun.  In the weeks that have passed since February 19^th, my world has changed in many ways. 

AT LAST, I achieved what I wondered if I could…I completed my master degree internship project, and I received an A, and I AM going to graduate with my master degree in Administration, along with a principal’s license on May 11^th.

This educational journey-this path to my career has been one of the longest…and warranted a level of perseverance that I wasn’t sure I actually possessed…

….in 1981, I wanted to be a teacher or a writer…

This piece of my journey…

--Actually began long ago-in 1989.

I can still see where I was standing on the staircase of our home-a twin single about 1500 square feet smaller than our previous home-

The home we had to move into in the middle of my senior year-

The home I found for my family in the back of the Eastside Messenger newspaper when I was 17-after learning that my current home had just been foreclosed on…we lost our home and had just weeks to find a new place. My parents were so deep into this cloud of dark despair and anger with one another-that finding a new home was left to me…

--even now, I am not actually all that surprised that I was the one responsible for “fixing” this…

So, I was standing on the stairs talking to my mom about college, and it hit me.  There was no money for me to go. The same person who found her family a new home in the classifieds was delusional enough to think that there was a secret “college fund.”  I used to have to give up much of my babysitting money to buy groceries—what was I thinking??

--now, as I type this, I am still stunned that I believed this fallacy…

My parents had enough money to pay for my first quarter at OSU. $735.00 in September 1990.  With no more money, I dropped out in December.

I began to work 2 jobs-one at Kroger, where I had been working since 1988, and one at a linen store in Scarborough Mall. I got laid off from there, and I began my second job at the Gap (I can fold really well-sell add-ons, cinch it with a belt)—

--oddly enough…these days were some of my happiest J

My parents were able to get a PLUS loan, and I returned to school in September 1991. My first class that semester was English 110…I got to write the whole semester—and I loved being back on OSU’s campus…ahh Fall.

--Campus in the fall…still makes me smile. Eventhough I lived at home, I spent a lot of time studying, err, partying on campus.

I was back to working just one job-but about 35 hours a week.  I just didn’t seem to grasp the amount of studying I needed to do to stay afloat-to maintain any sort of GPA…I loved the sociology classes, and I did really well in British Literature—any class that required writing-not papers, but writing as a craft, I attended-literally and figuratively.  But classes like MATH, biology…even Psychology and many of my child development courses—which were, sadly, memorizing and regurgitating on long scantron tests…were avoided- I skipped class and did very little studying.  I enjoyed the content of the child development courses, but the format bored me—and I disengaged…which sent my GPA diving even further.

No one told me that one poor grade in college erased about 4 good grades.  But, I never asked either. I just thought…”I’ll try harder next quarter...”

---looking back now, I still feel like such an idiot!!

1992, and a new president stepped in office.  He opened up student loans to people like me.  My family wasn’t below the poverty line…but now, I, too, could get some help. 

---I can still recall feeling like I wasn’t succeeding if I wasn’t in college??…

It took me 6 years to finish.  This is common today, but back then, as I passed the “you should be graduated my now” mark of 1994, I felt ashamed. Inside, I felt like a failure.  By 1996, even my boyfriend at the time couldn’t believe I was still in college—

---and I knew that graduate school was NOT where I wanted to go…get your masters at the same time??-I didn’t know anyone who was doing this…and now, I am so thankful I waited—I couldn’t grasp an integrate my learning from undergrad, let alone add in new information that had no place in my life, yet…

In the Winter of 1996, I took my last finals…and I waited.  I was in grave danger of not passing.  I needed a D in Statistics, or I would have to come back Spring Quarter. On a Thursday morning, I walked to the math building, and I met my Stats professor.  She told me that they base the curve on the lowest score…which was mine. I passed with a 51% (yes, crazy).  Later, as I sat by the phone on a Thursday afternoon, I prayed the next answer would come before my 3-1130 shift at work.

Finally, the phone rang … I passed Speech and Hearing with a D-.

I sat there and sobbed.  I would graduate with my BS in Family Relations and Human Development. I was going to graduate with a 2.34 GPA.

--Pathetic. I was relieved and excited, but really just felt pathetic.

--I had no job…

--my mortar board at graduation blinked with flashing lights around a puffy paint message, “no, I don’t know what I am going to do.”

In the final 3 years of my degree, the media was heavily invested in this definition of my generation…Generation X, they called us.  My generation was described as…lost.  Highly caffeinated and lost.

I fit this bill.  I stayed at Kroger where I was making more money than I could with my degree.  I finally moved out of my house, and I switched to the catering division with Kroger.  I planned events…worked crazy hours, drank a lot of coffee and a lot of beer…and went through the motions of the day.  I applied for other jobs, sought a head hunter, networked…but nothing.

--I was 26…when was I going to get my life together?? 

I met my now husband in 1998.  I still remember thinking, “woah, he has a real job.”  I never felt like I had a real job.  All those years in college, and ….still stuck. 

--Looking back…I know now that ”stuck” is a mindset…

I went back to OSU in 1998.  I was going to work toward an M.Ed in Home Economics.  The advisor told me I needed to bring my GPA up to a 3.0.  I started taking classes…after two semesters on nutrition and economics and fabrics…I was only at a 2.43. I would need about 20 A’s to bring it up to a 3.0… complete failure. The advisor advised me WRONG…but I didn’t do the math, either…that “stuck” mindset was winning…

--I wrote in my journal: On February 24^th 2000, I will have a new job. 

Not soon after, I got a call from my best friend.  There was a job opening at Head Start.  It was a pay cut, but it was an open door.  I went to the interview and did my best to impress the panel.

On February 24^th, 2000, I was offered a job as a family service worker at Head Start.  (yes, really on that exact date).

--“stuck” is a mindset…

About a year later, I overheard a conversation from one of my co-workers.  She found a program at Ohio Dominican where she could get her Pre-K-3 teaching license. The GPA requirement –at the time- was 2.5.

--time to take a chance…on me.

I called and met with the most inspirational advisor…he sent me to Columbus State to take a few courses: PE for teachers, Art for teachers, Geography, Chemistry, Physics…told me to work hard. 

I did.  I worked my ass off.  Geog/Chem/Phys were BRUTAL.  Study and spit out.  I memorized the periodic table, maps of the world, and formulas.  I sat in the front row, came early to class, stayed after to ask questions, and made new friends.

I accumulated more student loans.

I did it.  Within a year, I had the requirements completed for the program…and my 2.43 was now a 2.5-barely (see how hard it is to move a GPA?....I got A’s in all my classes except geography-B and physics-B)

I started at Ohio Dominican in the summer of 2002.  I finished in December of 2003. All A’s J Only one B+ in Music for Teachers where I had to learn to play the recorder (thanks SDB).  I even added in my Reading Endorsement, and I passed all my Praxis exams.

--I was so close!!

Finally!!  I was going to be the teacher I had dreamed of becoming…

I started subbing in the winter of 2004, and I got a long term gig doing Intervention in K-1 in Reynoldburg.  I loved my new teaching family.  I loved the school… I found my home.

--not quite.

I was not hired for the next year…I made a few errors in my interview-

--one was not being ME-….BIG mistake.

…And, there is always a political game…(that was a tough lesson to learn)

I did two summer school sessions, and asked around, looked hard…and I got an interview in Whitehall.  I went to that interview…

--and I was ME.

I was hired 20 minutes after I left my second interview.

About 40,000 dollars later, and many, many, many classes past my undergrad…I was a teacher.

In 2007, I began the trek toward my master degree.  I desperately wanted to go back to OSU—prove I could do it-be academically, statistically successful.

--to prove?? Don’t know…

My GPA, now a 2.8…was not enough to get in.

---take the GRE, they said.  ---take a few classes as a non-degree, they said.

I did both.  I studied and studied and studied and studied for the GRE.  I took 2 amazing classes, earned A’s and gained support from the respective professors.

NO ENTRY.

And then…the next summer…I studied and studied and studied and studied, and I took the GRE again (not a free test, btw). The professors appealed to the board and recommended me.

NO ENTRY.

--why can’t I get a break, I wondered??

Reluctantly, I applied to Ashland.  Started in a teacher leader program and switched to administration. 

Each class…1500.00 out of my own pocket. No fee waivers from Ashland…no entry to OSU. But…I wanted to get my masters.  I had to prove this to myself.

Prove what?  I’m still trying to figure that one out…

3.5 years in….I became pregnant. After 5 years of trying to have a baby, we were blessed.

--can I do all this??

I took 3 classes while 6 months pregnant.  I took 1 just 2 months after she was born.  I took 2 the summer she was 8 months old.  I took one, along with a year long internship in the fall of 2012, along with a grade level change.  I took my principal praxis in December of 2012.

My master project was submitted on April 4^th. GPA: 3.8.  Only 2 B’s. Another 18,000.

…so this piece of my journey comes to a close.  People are actually asking me what I am doing next…TAKING A BREAK! 

--(although I am changing grades again-off to third, heading a committee and mentoring…but those are things I WANT to do…I ENJOY doing…things that FEED me).

--yet…

…in the hours, days, and weeks that followed, I felt a sense of a letdown—partly from all of the pressure having disappeared…and partly because I had this expectation of how I thought others would react…

…I’m still trying to figure that one out—expectations are tough.  I am so hard on myself-insanely hard on myself…but is that fair to be that way to others? I don’t exactly know where the balance is, but I felt…

Let down.   

--and so I decided to write it all out…so I could see my own path, clearly, sequentially…so I could see in black and white the thing I preach each day to my own students…the thing I am proud of ME for…

Perseverance.

It works.

Sometimes, it just takes time.  
...and a lot of help along the way...I am forever grateful to those who stood by me when I wasn't sure if I could keep going...you know who you are...I love you.

...two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less travelled by…