7.8.2013

I look around at a beautiful life

Been the upper side of down

Been the inside of out

But we breathe

We breathe

~Maybe Tomorrow, Sterephonics

~for this teacher, the end of the year brings hibernation followed by reflection...
I can recall watching Oprah long ago, and she was doing one of her shows on aging gracefully—whatever that means, and she made a comment to a woman who was in her early 40’s.  She said to the woman that when you turn 40, a light comes on, a clarity arrives, and your perspective changes.  I think I was in my early 30’s at the time.

As I was headed toward 40, I often thought of that comment.  It wasn’t the only time I had heard this proclamation.   My mentor at work told me the same thing one day over lunch – she said that something just clicks when you hit 40.

So, now as I am headed toward 42, I question this “click”- this “light”- this “clarity”

…no, I am not delusional enough to think that upon the stroke of midnight at the end of 39, there would be an awakening –but it is something I have been wondering since that birthday.

On my phone, I use the “notes” section to jot down my thoughts, my questions, my a-ha’s—

yet--for much of this year-2013, I have used it as an outlet for words that I kept inside-words I chose not to say-words I pushed away, stuffed into a little fragment of a sentence on a fake page on a cell phone

…looking at this page now, scrolling through the random words, some in all caps-some with exclamation marks following, some even misspelled (gasp!), looking to see if there was a “light” a “click” a “clarity” that revealed my foray into the 40’s…I saw something completely different

Teen angst.

Yes, I was taken aback as word after word that I shoved onto this device revealed what I could have written at 16… anger, frustration, self-doubt, jealousy, lack of confidence, sadness, denial, disappointment, wonder, hope, joy, pride, gratitude, confidence, self-assurance… and a plan to change- to conquer-to prevail-all intertwined on a yellow wall with brown lines…

Line after line of these quieted stifled emotions…

So, I get all the way to my 40’s for what? Teen angst?

Then, I looked through all the words

 –even though they were all typed in, they still looked like scribbles, rambles, tangent after tangent… and I realized that within those very lines were the clarity and the light

I didn’t say all those things—I didn’t share them-

well, that’s not true.  I shared them with very few people (and if you are reading this—you know I am talking about you…thank you)

But… I didn’t act or react to all of those thoughts and feelings.  I closed them in-kept them for only me-for when I was ready to face them, or in many cases, toss them aside,

Or better yet, I decided that I would NOT allow them to have any meaning-I would not let them matter

-I left them behind, just black words on a yellow page on an iphone app…

CLICK.

I did it...the story in black and white-for me...4.28.2013

The path to 41 has begun.  In the weeks that have passed since February 19^th, my world has changed in many ways. 

AT LAST, I achieved what I wondered if I could…I completed my master degree internship project, and I received an A, and I AM going to graduate with my master degree in Administration, along with a principal’s license on May 11^th.

This educational journey-this path to my career has been one of the longest…and warranted a level of perseverance that I wasn’t sure I actually possessed…

….in 1981, I wanted to be a teacher or a writer…

This piece of my journey…

--Actually began long ago-in 1989.

I can still see where I was standing on the staircase of our home-a twin single about 1500 square feet smaller than our previous home-

The home we had to move into in the middle of my senior year-

The home I found for my family in the back of the Eastside Messenger newspaper when I was 17-after learning that my current home had just been foreclosed on…we lost our home and had just weeks to find a new place. My parents were so deep into this cloud of dark despair and anger with one another-that finding a new home was left to me…

--even now, I am not actually all that surprised that I was the one responsible for “fixing” this…

So, I was standing on the stairs talking to my mom about college, and it hit me.  There was no money for me to go. The same person who found her family a new home in the classifieds was delusional enough to think that there was a secret “college fund.”  I used to have to give up much of my babysitting money to buy groceries—what was I thinking??

--now, as I type this, I am still stunned that I believed this fallacy…

My parents had enough money to pay for my first quarter at OSU. $735.00 in September 1990.  With no more money, I dropped out in December.

I began to work 2 jobs-one at Kroger, where I had been working since 1988, and one at a linen store in Scarborough Mall. I got laid off from there, and I began my second job at the Gap (I can fold really well-sell add-ons, cinch it with a belt)—

--oddly enough…these days were some of my happiest J

My parents were able to get a PLUS loan, and I returned to school in September 1991. My first class that semester was English 110…I got to write the whole semester—and I loved being back on OSU’s campus…ahh Fall.

--Campus in the fall…still makes me smile. Eventhough I lived at home, I spent a lot of time studying, err, partying on campus.

I was back to working just one job-but about 35 hours a week.  I just didn’t seem to grasp the amount of studying I needed to do to stay afloat-to maintain any sort of GPA…I loved the sociology classes, and I did really well in British Literature—any class that required writing-not papers, but writing as a craft, I attended-literally and figuratively.  But classes like MATH, biology…even Psychology and many of my child development courses—which were, sadly, memorizing and regurgitating on long scantron tests…were avoided- I skipped class and did very little studying.  I enjoyed the content of the child development courses, but the format bored me—and I disengaged…which sent my GPA diving even further.

No one told me that one poor grade in college erased about 4 good grades.  But, I never asked either. I just thought…”I’ll try harder next quarter...”

---looking back now, I still feel like such an idiot!!

1992, and a new president stepped in office.  He opened up student loans to people like me.  My family wasn’t below the poverty line…but now, I, too, could get some help. 

---I can still recall feeling like I wasn’t succeeding if I wasn’t in college??…

It took me 6 years to finish.  This is common today, but back then, as I passed the “you should be graduated my now” mark of 1994, I felt ashamed. Inside, I felt like a failure.  By 1996, even my boyfriend at the time couldn’t believe I was still in college—

---and I knew that graduate school was NOT where I wanted to go…get your masters at the same time??-I didn’t know anyone who was doing this…and now, I am so thankful I waited—I couldn’t grasp an integrate my learning from undergrad, let alone add in new information that had no place in my life, yet…

In the Winter of 1996, I took my last finals…and I waited.  I was in grave danger of not passing.  I needed a D in Statistics, or I would have to come back Spring Quarter. On a Thursday morning, I walked to the math building, and I met my Stats professor.  She told me that they base the curve on the lowest score…which was mine. I passed with a 51% (yes, crazy).  Later, as I sat by the phone on a Thursday afternoon, I prayed the next answer would come before my 3-1130 shift at work.

Finally, the phone rang … I passed Speech and Hearing with a D-.

I sat there and sobbed.  I would graduate with my BS in Family Relations and Human Development. I was going to graduate with a 2.34 GPA.

--Pathetic. I was relieved and excited, but really just felt pathetic.

--I had no job…

--my mortar board at graduation blinked with flashing lights around a puffy paint message, “no, I don’t know what I am going to do.”

In the final 3 years of my degree, the media was heavily invested in this definition of my generation…Generation X, they called us.  My generation was described as…lost.  Highly caffeinated and lost.

I fit this bill.  I stayed at Kroger where I was making more money than I could with my degree.  I finally moved out of my house, and I switched to the catering division with Kroger.  I planned events…worked crazy hours, drank a lot of coffee and a lot of beer…and went through the motions of the day.  I applied for other jobs, sought a head hunter, networked…but nothing.

--I was 26…when was I going to get my life together?? 

I met my now husband in 1998.  I still remember thinking, “woah, he has a real job.”  I never felt like I had a real job.  All those years in college, and ….still stuck. 

--Looking back…I know now that ”stuck” is a mindset…

I went back to OSU in 1998.  I was going to work toward an M.Ed in Home Economics.  The advisor told me I needed to bring my GPA up to a 3.0.  I started taking classes…after two semesters on nutrition and economics and fabrics…I was only at a 2.43. I would need about 20 A’s to bring it up to a 3.0… complete failure. The advisor advised me WRONG…but I didn’t do the math, either…that “stuck” mindset was winning…

--I wrote in my journal: On February 24^th 2000, I will have a new job. 

Not soon after, I got a call from my best friend.  There was a job opening at Head Start.  It was a pay cut, but it was an open door.  I went to the interview and did my best to impress the panel.

On February 24^th, 2000, I was offered a job as a family service worker at Head Start.  (yes, really on that exact date).

--“stuck” is a mindset…

About a year later, I overheard a conversation from one of my co-workers.  She found a program at Ohio Dominican where she could get her Pre-K-3 teaching license. The GPA requirement –at the time- was 2.5.

--time to take a chance…on me.

I called and met with the most inspirational advisor…he sent me to Columbus State to take a few courses: PE for teachers, Art for teachers, Geography, Chemistry, Physics…told me to work hard. 

I did.  I worked my ass off.  Geog/Chem/Phys were BRUTAL.  Study and spit out.  I memorized the periodic table, maps of the world, and formulas.  I sat in the front row, came early to class, stayed after to ask questions, and made new friends.

I accumulated more student loans.

I did it.  Within a year, I had the requirements completed for the program…and my 2.43 was now a 2.5-barely (see how hard it is to move a GPA?....I got A’s in all my classes except geography-B and physics-B)

I started at Ohio Dominican in the summer of 2002.  I finished in December of 2003. All A’s J Only one B+ in Music for Teachers where I had to learn to play the recorder (thanks SDB).  I even added in my Reading Endorsement, and I passed all my Praxis exams.

--I was so close!!

Finally!!  I was going to be the teacher I had dreamed of becoming…

I started subbing in the winter of 2004, and I got a long term gig doing Intervention in K-1 in Reynoldburg.  I loved my new teaching family.  I loved the school… I found my home.

--not quite.

I was not hired for the next year…I made a few errors in my interview-

--one was not being ME-….BIG mistake.

…And, there is always a political game…(that was a tough lesson to learn)

I did two summer school sessions, and asked around, looked hard…and I got an interview in Whitehall.  I went to that interview…

--and I was ME.

I was hired 20 minutes after I left my second interview.

About 40,000 dollars later, and many, many, many classes past my undergrad…I was a teacher.

In 2007, I began the trek toward my master degree.  I desperately wanted to go back to OSU—prove I could do it-be academically, statistically successful.

--to prove?? Don’t know…

My GPA, now a 2.8…was not enough to get in.

---take the GRE, they said.  ---take a few classes as a non-degree, they said.

I did both.  I studied and studied and studied and studied for the GRE.  I took 2 amazing classes, earned A’s and gained support from the respective professors.

NO ENTRY.

And then…the next summer…I studied and studied and studied and studied, and I took the GRE again (not a free test, btw). The professors appealed to the board and recommended me.

NO ENTRY.

--why can’t I get a break, I wondered??

Reluctantly, I applied to Ashland.  Started in a teacher leader program and switched to administration. 

Each class…1500.00 out of my own pocket. No fee waivers from Ashland…no entry to OSU. But…I wanted to get my masters.  I had to prove this to myself.

Prove what?  I’m still trying to figure that one out…

3.5 years in….I became pregnant. After 5 years of trying to have a baby, we were blessed.

--can I do all this??

I took 3 classes while 6 months pregnant.  I took 1 just 2 months after she was born.  I took 2 the summer she was 8 months old.  I took one, along with a year long internship in the fall of 2012, along with a grade level change.  I took my principal praxis in December of 2012.

My master project was submitted on April 4^th. GPA: 3.8.  Only 2 B’s. Another 18,000.

…so this piece of my journey comes to a close.  People are actually asking me what I am doing next…TAKING A BREAK! 

--(although I am changing grades again-off to third, heading a committee and mentoring…but those are things I WANT to do…I ENJOY doing…things that FEED me).

--yet…

…in the hours, days, and weeks that followed, I felt a sense of a letdown—partly from all of the pressure having disappeared…and partly because I had this expectation of how I thought others would react…

…I’m still trying to figure that one out—expectations are tough.  I am so hard on myself-insanely hard on myself…but is that fair to be that way to others? I don’t exactly know where the balance is, but I felt…

Let down.   

--and so I decided to write it all out…so I could see my own path, clearly, sequentially…so I could see in black and white the thing I preach each day to my own students…the thing I am proud of ME for…

Perseverance.

It works.

Sometimes, it just takes time.  
...and a lot of help along the way...I am forever grateful to those who stood by me when I wasn't sure if I could keep going...you know who you are...I love you.

...two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less travelled by…

the end of 40...

I began this quite a bit ago…and I have been sitting on it a bit-

(2.18.2013) Tonight is the end of my 40^th year.  I started this a year ago by simply writing my musings after “week 1” of 40.  And then, after 6 weeks, I finally decided to write it as a full blog-something a few people had been encouraging me to do.  As life often intersects and interrupts life, my “weekly” stint became “biweekly,” and sometimes “tri-weekly.”  It’s amazing what can reveal itself in 365 days…what changes and what stays the same…and what will be gone forever.

As a new mother taking on a new position at work (yes, for those of you who aren’t in education-a new grade is a whole new position), along with a full internship to complete my master degree, I felt this desire to pen the happenings, the dailies, the ins and outs, the ups and downs.

I’m not entirely certain of all that I learned because just when I felt I “learned” some grand “life lesson”-it transformed, changed, altered-sometimes so rapidly that I simply couldn’t keep up with the pace, and sometimes so emphatically slowly that I couldn’t bear to be in its space another moment.  The number of times I screamed, “Let it go” … well, I lost count at about 246. 

With that said…a few early “noticings”…

1.      When you write a public piece, suddenly people begin to think there are parts that are about them—to those of you who wondered—you should have asked. I would have told you the truth— It’s called a blog for a reason.

2.      Years ago I vehemently avoided texting.  Now, I know why. It is a blessing and—a curse, no a bulldozer. It can connect and disconnect in a few words, maybe a whole sentence.  It can be a shadow to hide behind or a bright light to shine and share.  ….with that, I still text.

3.      Career is a fancy name for job.

Fast forward, now it is 3/11/2013.  Tonight I was talking to someone…someone who knows me very well.  She has known me for 8 years, and she met me when I was going through a terrible time at work.  Since then, she has been privy to my greatest dreams and my darkest moments. 

Sooo, we were talking about my big 40^th year…and I was telling her that it began with a huge regret (this is only the second regret I have ever had-the first being NOT going away to college) that spiraled into all these relationships that changed. It took me away-mentally, emotionally, physically- from my greatest joy—my daughter-left me wounded, vulnerable, and plain sad (and I …I let that happen…damnit damnit).

… Then just as I was beginning to piece it back together and prepare for a new school year with a “fresh” start, my dear dear friend died.  I told myself it wasn’t my fault-that I could take no blame-that I was a true friend to her- but I did, I did blame myself (why didn’t I? I should have? I could have?)…day after day… I crawled inward and hid from everyone.  And when I was finally ready to look outward again, it surprised me that within distorted and hazy view, I didn’t see anyone coming to find me.  Yet, how could they?  I had pushed them all away.  I was “fine.” (hell, I am still trying to convince myself of this).

… And then as my 40^th year was coming to a close, I was faced with something I could never have prepared for—to support a friend when I couldn’t find understanding-rationale-agreement, but whom I loved too dearly to turn away from…it was too much

Tonight as I told this person how I felt that all of these things clouded-jaded my 40—she said the most amazing thing to me:  “But aren’t all years like that--?”  Yes, she agreed, I faced some pretty dark days, but haven’t other years been difficult? Well, yes. 

I have been listening to a lot of Oprah radio on XM.  I have heard some profound things…1. This moment is all I have right now. Be in it. It will be over soon. This moment is what IS. 2. I am allowed to change my mind-it is ok. And I don’t have to apologize for it.

3. and, I DON’T need others to validate me….I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am a good wife, mom, teacher, friend, daughter, sister…why??

The truth is—I am a good wife.  I know this because taking care of my husband, laughing with him, talking at the “table” with him, and baking him cookies makes me happy-I love him.  I am a good mom.  I can’t believe I keep waiting to hear that!!  Being a mom is the best thing I have ever done…it is my real “career.” I love her with my whole heart. Tonight, I taught her how to feed her babydoll a bottle and how to put toys in a basket to clean up. Tonight, she ate the puff pastry pocket with chicken, leeks, and corn that I made her with broccoli and shallots. Tonight she sat on my lap while we read It Looked Like Spilt Milk (whomever bought that for her for her birthday—she loves it).  And tonight, she hugged me.  I am a good teacher.  I am a better teacher now that I am a mom (it is actually true-everything the mom/teachers told me would happen-did).  I know I am a good teacher because my ideas come to me at random moments (like blow drying my hair), and I change my whole day in 5 minutes based on the kids. I make decisions that are best for them. When a kid walks to the trash can with a book in his hand because he can’t put it down—that’s how I know. (sorry data charts). I am a good teacher because I am real to them-not perfect-real.  I am a good friend because when I am your friend, I am your friend. I am loyal. I am honest (too much, I know). And when I’m sorry—I am really sorry, and I will make it right (also known as fight like hell—I believe relentless is the word). And I know I am a good daughter and sister.  If you know me in the real world, I need not explain further… I love my family.  We are little, we are off-center, but I love them.

I am not waiting for validation because it is within me!

So, it’s time to say good-bye to the year that was…I’m still standing.  I might not be fine, but who is? Things might not look like they did, but it’s going to be ok.  It might not feel ok right now, but it will, in moments it will, and these moments are all I have …and they keep passing me by…so I need to be in them, and that is the greatest lesson of all…even when the moment is hard, when it hurts, when it puzzles and distorts, it will pass into one that feels easy, joyous, answers questions and opens the path to the next…

41 … the moments are waiting for me.

weeks 44/45/46 1/27/2013--the time escapes these days!!

"If you're gonna make a change and you're gonna make it through this, you're gonna have to operate from a new belief that says life happens not to me but for me."

—  Tony Robbins

As we move into the new year, it suddenly hit me, damn-this 40 thing is almost over-I am going to be 41.  Why does 41 sound crazily older than 40? Blah.

When I started this blog-my intention was to chronicle all that was happening with me:

My new “age”… which simply cannot be altered (more on that in another post)

My foray into motherhood after 5 years of waiting for this blessing…

My career change moving from a grade I taught for 8 years to a new grade…

My work to complete an internship and master degree…

I wanted to record all that was happening to me.  I don’t know if I did, but I do know that I am not the person I was 365 days ago…NOT BY A LONGSHOT. So much has changed in my world.  And, as much as I have tried…I cannot go back.

No, no no NO…I don’t exactly want to “go back.”…but so much changed all at the same time that I found myself almost drowning in this quicksand with me grabbing at all the familiarity that was sinking, disappearing—

So, I decided to LOOK back…and trace the path-

The journey I saw-was exhausting!! (another post at another time)

…but alas… this is where I am …this is what is.  (btw, this is a drastically different phrase than the one I LOATHE-"it is what it is"--)

Why did I travel this journey …?   I travelled this long and crazy road because I did NOT want to turn 40 and wonder “what if…”….

I am 40, and I don’t have to ask what if.  I finally became the teacher I always wanted to be…with hard work, determination, perseverance, and a lot of loans.  I did not give up.  I sat on top of a mountain at age 29 with two dear friends, EM and WN, and I said, “I don’t wanna be 40 and wonder what if…”—no, really, we sat on top of a mountain in the middle of Colorado, and I did, indeed, say those words—petrified of what “30” meant.  “I don’t want to be 40 and wonder what if…”

And now…here I am at 40 with this crazy internship (I am soooo CLOSE), and I have this “new” marriage where it is not all about the 2 of us anymore and this new position at work where I am fighting like hell to just fit in and be accepted when I don’t know how to be “still”

…and then there is motherhood. 

Why do all the moms lie?  Why do they act like it is so easy?  Why doesn’t anyone tell the truth? I have this amazing daughter who is all smiles and happiness.  But, this motherhood gig is NO JOKE. It is all day, all night, every second of every minute of every hour of every day…never ending. 

YES, I knew this.  But to know it and to feel it --- two different things…very different things.

Yet, as hard as it is—maybe the reason no one tells the truth is because it doesn’t feel like work in the same way that this master degree does, that this new position at work does…not even in the way a marriage can. 

It is hard.  But …

the difference between where I am in motherhood and all the other roles is that she places no demands on me.  She just wants me to “see” her, to love her, to smile with her, tickle her, play with her, …to see her.

the other roles want more…but this one doesn’t… I don’t think I realized this until I typed these words. 

                                                 She just wants mommy to love her.

I know the years ahead will bring more challenges, and there will be demands, but in this year…she has only asked me to love her.  And that…is effortless is a way I –well in a well that redefines the word ---effortless. 

It’s funny—in a shake your head in disbelief and amazement sort of way

… because if I had to speculate the most difficult piece of being 40 and all of these changes…I would have placed money on any bet and claimed:  new mom-hardest part. 

…once again, life proves me wrong and surprises me –

week 41 42 43 of 40...1.1.2013 happy new year!!

2012…what a year!!

So, the other day I told a friend of mine that this post had to wait.  A few weeks ago, I was ready to post something completely different.  But then…I thought upon it. 

Greatest lesson of 2012:  think upon it before you speak or act upon it.  I am self-admittedly UBER reflective, but often, I am not PRE-reflective. I learned some tough lessons this year about SHUTTING MY BIG MOUTH.  But, the only problem is---shutting up contradicts one of my greatest convictions:  “If I don’t say it, I never said it.”  (then I have to live with the knowledge that I said nothing…UGH)

I think…I KNOW …I am beginning to understand the fine line between shutting up and speaking out. 

And now…a few favorite moments of 2012…

(btw, I really love the effect of an ellipse…I actually speak in ellipses all the time)

(also, these are in no particular order—that was too much damn pressure—and I am over that!)

…any and every moment my eyes connect with my daughter’s big blue eyes-the intense sparkle when they perfectly connect with mine-in a split second every trouble is washed away and replaced by pure raw JOY!

…every conversation with my best friend—she is the only person who knows who I was before…before most of my current friends ever walked in my pathway—we laugh about the same crazy stuff that we have since 1986 when she kindly said to me in gym class (a place both of us loathed), “hey, I think you’re in my French class, too”—she has been there this entire year, never walking, never letting me push her away, prying and prying until I would talk---my favorite conversations with her are every one we share…

…the night I made THE perfect butternut squash and roasted chicken risotto!!

…sitting on the patio with Tim singing Manfred Mann-trying to remember the words-trying to sing the front and the background, laughing hysterically (and undoubtably tipsy tipsy)

…sledding with my daughter , taking her to the zoo, fingerpainting with her, reading books, letting her throw her stuff all over the house, taking her to see Santa, reading Twas the Night Before Christmas, going to the library, dropping off books with her to donate to others, going swimming, rolling a wagon through Lynds fruit farm, getting her out of bed in the morning (good morning Snugs!), watching her take her first steps, give her first hugs (sometimes they come with a bite!), spending lots of money on photo shoots and pictures (and worth every cent) to capture her first year, letting her crawl in the dirt, going on hikes as a family, watching her love momma’s Bolognese sauce, seeing all the love for her at her first birthday party (I don’t regret going over board—NOT ONE BIT!), taking her shopping, her slobber kisses, pushing her on the swing—HIGH, helping her stir soup on the stove, rolling around on the floor, singing, dancing, tickling, and kissing her a million trillion times---promising myself that I will always do these things…

…the look on Taylor’s face when she saw I was doing the Polar Express again (JOY!!)

…dancing …I need to do it more!! …the feeling when you move crazily to a cherished favorite song…perfect moment in time

…sitting at Betty’s with my sweet friend Wendy, whom I lost this year…it was a conversation I will forever cherish…damnit I miss her terribly….terribly…Wen, you would be so proud of my girl—I take her outside all the time, she loves it, she has no fear, she looks out the window at the moon and the snow…she has a piece of you in her heart…I see it every day. …please always watch over her…

…hearing my students ask if I will go to third grade…

…my special lunch date with my best friend’s daughter who told me emphatically at the beginning of her mani/pedi:  “I know what I am asking for next year for my birthday!”—how blessed I am to be in both of her amazing daughter’s lives—those girls are smart, beautiful and kind

…eating bone marrow with my hubby for the first time—sitting at a bar at one of our favorite restaurants, talking to the bartender, letting a guy move over to make room for us and then the whole bar just sat and became friends, laughing, smiling, eating!

…all the times in the kitchen, cooking, singing, drinking wine…sometimes with my hubby and sometimes with friends…my kitchen table is my favorite part of this house

…all the little text messages that say:  “I love you”  “You can do this”  “I believe in you”

…my 40^th birthday…and the encouragement of a few people who encouraged me to start a blog (you know who you are…)

…opening my necklace from my hubby with my daughter’s name

…lunches with mom

…reconnecting with my oldest childhood friend…I love her…endlessly

…watching my daughter learn to SNAP from her loving sitter

…the moment I read what my dad wrote for my daughter’s time capsule on her birthday…I know it will become one of her most prized possessions…I know it

…the night 2 of my dearest came to help me with the prep for the BIG party!...honest conversation …priceless

…the day I spent with my friend and her little daughter who is just a few days older than mine—she defines STRENGTH…and I need to tell how much I admire her…

…the way my mom’s eyes light up when she sees her grand-daughter

…favorite books …the 50 Shades Trilogy…simply because they were an escape, a chance to drink wine and read in the dark, moments for myself …moments for myself

…favorite songs: Things Are Changin’(acoustic version) by Gary Clark Jr.—thanks Starbucks for the free download/ Diamonds by Rhianna/Another Round by Fat Joe and Chris Brown/Speedway by Counting Crows/Leave You Alone by Young Jeezy and Ne-Yo/That Wasn’t Me by Brandi Carlile...these are the ones I played over and over and over that I just discovered in 2012…

…favorite new product: Smashbox photo primer! And Urban Decay liner!

...frying up some killer chicken with some lifelong friends

…watching my girl come down for her first real Christmas and seeing her little kitchen (just like momma!)(she was only 6 weeks old last year)

…the truth is…I could go on and on and on..

…coffee dates, a quick “glass” of wine, chats in the hallways of my school, hugs, post-its, little cards, pedi dates…

…all of the chances I have been given to try again in my marriage, as a parent, as a daughter, in my career, with my friends…Someone told me recently that sometimes you just take different paths in life at different times…and all I can do is try to be the best “me” I can be—well said….and my path is wide open, like an untouched wash of snow…

…oh, and forehead kisses…all the little kisses on the forehead.  I do love those.

Farewell 2012.  I am grateful for you.  Hello 2013…you give me hope. Hope.

week 39 and 40 of 40...12.13.2012

In the past few weeks, I have been faced with some triumphs and some failures. 

…My daughter is finally grabbing her sippee cup and saying Momma (heaven). She runs to me, grabs my legs, looks into my eye…smiles…My hubby and I are becoming more spontaneous…and tonight we were able to go out to dinner with our little one year old AND have a conversation

…I read 3 whole chapters in a book that I have been trying to read for months. I saw a student FINALLY understand addition and subtraction with an unknown number after crying days prior because he just did not get it… (oh how he beamed with joy)

…I organized an entire closet to ready myself for the mountains of work that lie before me to complete this internship. I cooked my ass off, and I completed most of my holiday shopping… I wrote in my journal—truly and thoughtfully, AND I wrote in my daughter’s journal.

And then I felt these failures. The kind of failures that made me question WHAT!!! I am doing, where I am going…??? And, how the hell am I going to get there!!??  But then, I thought about what I WANT to do, and I thought about HOW do I make that happen…and that is when the light shone—and I began to build an action plan.

I started thinking about how we are really all replaceable.  You know, when I quit working at the Gap, they just found another t-shirt folder.  When I broke up with Bobby, he found another girlfriend. My friendship has been filled by new friends, and last year, I learned just how replaceable I am in my own career. 

….I mean, I am not a superhero or anything…I don’t have powers…I am replaceable.

When I started thinking about this, I felt a sense of release.  I simply cannot be “it all.” 

And even though we have all grown since high school (it was like sooo long ago, yet oddly still resurfaces from time to time), and we have all had our huge epiphany:  “I don’t want to be like the crowd-I’m glad I didn’t follow THAT…”—the truth is we all still want to be accepted-to belong.

I started thinking about that…

Damnit, I know who I am.  Deep down.

And I DON’T want to be like everyone else.  I can’t think of a single person I know that I wish I was…well, ok, maybe Julia Roberts.  But, the truth is, while I **admire** certain qualities about certain people in my life-I actually like who I am.  And I am damn proud of the evolution I have made in this past year-despite some of the broken pieces.

For me to let toys to be everywhere, crumbs stay on the floor, and my closet to be slightly disorganized…and NOT freak out—that’s progress, people.  For me to not take work home because my daughter deserves my undivided time (esp when she goes to bed at 7)—that’s progress.  For me to stop obcessing about every pound I have gained or lost this past year—that’s progress…I’m even beginning to slip in my pop culture knowledge, and I don’t care. …I think these small pieces of “letting it go” have made me a better person in some ways.  I believe this because my dearest of friends have noticed, commented, and last week, when my husband was in my classroom with my daughter for a surprise visit, he said I was different with the kids…more at ease, less rigid (well…. ). J 

But, then…the more I thought about it, as replaceable as I may be in some areas…there are others that only I, me…can be.  Like to my husband…to my mother, father, brother…to my closest of closest friends-the ones who will always stand by me…and to my daughter-who will only ever have one mommy, me.  I owe it to them to let my triumphs shine…and shine.

Ahhh, an action plan…

"You have to be going somewhere to have the energy to get there."

—  Dr. Mehmet Oz

 

 

week 37 and 38 of 40 11.24.2012

As the end of this Thanksgiving weekend draws closer and closer (darnit!), I wanted to share a few moments of gratitude.

One thing I know for sure about myself is that I am a grateful person. Saying “thank you” is not simply verbage…I mean it when I say it, and I strive to be grateful and to show true appreciation for all that I have and all that I am given.  The same goes for other sentiments…such as saying “Happy Thanksgiving.” Again, it is not a social grace…I mean it when I say it.  Funny… I wished several people Happy Thanksgiving over the past few days, and I heard some crickets.  Well, I guess I would prefer the silence over an obliged “ditto.”

With that … some truthful  gratitude.

A few things I am simply grateful for…

My senses…being able to hear, see, touch, taste, and feel around this life every day…

My beliefs…I know what I believe in, and I actually have a strong faith—

I am so thankful I learned to love to cook…it is one of my greatest stress relievers. Some go to the gym—I start chopping…

My family-there IS function in dysfunction-

Red wine (see above)

My ability to stand for certain things…and not falter with “the crowd”—I actually know a lot about myself, and I finally am beginning to see that “belonging” is something I care less and less about every day—

Black leggings—I have about 15 pairs, all exactly the same-

The friendships I have nurtured and loved …the ones that have grown and blossomed…the ones I know are there for me, not just when “things” happen…but when “nothings” happen-(thanks S)

The health and spirit of my daughter…watching her grow strong and healthy is a blessing beyond words-I worry every minute of every day for her—but when she laughs and smiles at me, when she RUNS (she is running now), and when tells me “no”…I know she is developing into her own little self-eventhough, in my eyes, she will always be little…just little.

Vaseline-it does everything.

My husband—because he didn’t walk away when I pushed him away and because, even now, he still doesn’t walk when I push…or even when I tug and pull- and he still plays with my hair …

Starbucks—no explanation needed-

Listening to my students talk like me—sometimes it is silly (“um, did you say bless you, I sneezed!”  “you better tidy this desk”  “seriously!”  “don’t worry, I won’t forget to read”) it is a simple reminder how much I can influence them…they love reading—they love writing—and THEY help ME with the math –

ONLINE SHOPPING

Peanut butter and Pizza…2 of the world’s greatest foods ever invented!

Chilly fall days, my favorite season-

The ability to make mistakes…and make them, and make them, and make them…

Cozy, fuzzy socks

The power of perseverance!!

My crazy insane memory…and my adoration of nostalgia-

MUSIC-and its ability to transport that crazy memory back to many places and times…

Slobber kisses from my little girl

My health, my job, my home—I have the things I need…honestly, I have more than I will ever need.

Fires on chilly nights

Spanx-yeah, the secret is out.

Hugs and snugs…I do a Friday hugging ball with my students…(of course we hug other times), but these are the hugs that are the tightest—the ones where they hold on and hold on

Great books—you know the kind that linger with you—the kind that disappear and then reappear in your mind over and over—the kind that leave passages that change over time in your life…

Volumizer and mascara—lots of both.

Writing.

gratitude.... thank you for reading :)