Powered By Blogger

Friday, February 3, 2017

From this moment on... 2.3.2017

From this moment on…

On our wedding day, Tim and I had a video montage shown to the guests—you know the kind that everyone was doing in 2000:  it shows the bride growing up, the groom growing up, and then it concludes with the bride and groom together before the wedding day, falling in love and being oh so happy. 

I can recall asking Tim what song should play for my portion.  He didn’t even pause.  “Maniac.”  Yes, the song from Flashdance.  He knew me too well.  I decided it was perfect.  He picked his own song, “Bad to the Bone.”  Even now typing this, I am laughing because there was nothing bad to any bone regarding Tim, but I indulged him anyway. 

The portion of the video that showcased our crazy love was matched with Shania Twain’s song, “From the Moment On.”  The beginning is a voice over that wasn’t often played on the radio…and it is simply beautiful.
I do sware
That I will always be there
I’d give anything and everything
I will always care
Through weakness and strength
Happiness and sorrow
For better for worse
I will love you
With every beat of my heart.

And from that moment, Tim and I lived a life together.  For what would have been 16 years, we stayed together, through every up and every down.  We never gave up on the tough days, and we never took for granted the beautiful days.  And, that is what love was to us…

This morning, I was sitting in the bathtub, tears running down my face while I listened to Maris play “Elsia and Annia.”  I was looking at his bathroom mirror, and I was thinking about a year ago. 

A year ago, I was standing at my sink, watching him groom that damn beard. 
A year ago, I was putting on mascara and talking to him about his trip to the valley.
A year ago, I was asking him if he wanted to go in on Friday or Saturday.
A year ago, I was telling him he should just stay through the Super Bowl on Sunday and come home Monday morning.
A year ago, I was saying he deserved a fun weekend with his boys.
A year ago, I left the house.  I don’t recall saying good-bye, but …I always kissed him.
A year ago, I got into my car, where I found a post-it:  “Have a great weekend.  I miss you already.”
A year ago, I asked him to drop off some chocolate covered pretzels to school for movie night.  He did, but I didn’t see him.
A year ago, I called him after work, and we talked about his day so far.  He hung up when the ribs came to his table at the restaurant of his first stop that day.
A year ago, I face-timed with him and Maris.  He told her he loved her.
A year ago, we sent text messages and talked on the phone one last time.  Did I tell him I loved him? 
A year ago, he sent a final text that I never answered.
A year ago was the last time I saw him. 

From that moment on…every moment has been without him in our lives.

I miss him all the time in a million little ways.  I can’t smell him anymore, and I have cleaned out some of his things.  I’ve moved some pictures around, and our New Year card was only Maris and I.  But he is here all the time.  He likes to knock over this picture of Maris on the sofa table.  He knocks it over when I get mad.  I am pretty sure he turns lights off and on, as he also does with the ceiling fan in the bathroom.  And everytime it snows, I know it is him.  The geese he loathed terribly line up in our backyard, and I have a hunch, it’s him being funny.  He is in the songs I play, the food I cook, and in the stories I tell Maris.  Maris says, “MY daddy” almost daily in some way.  “You know who taught me that?  MY daddy!”  She is so proud to be his daughter. 

From that moment on, every new memory has been without him.  Almost 365 days of memories have been made, each moment without him there.  I no longer have the comfort of knowing he was still here a year ago—of seeing Timehop pictures of him in them from last year. 

From that moment on, I have been a single mom-which I have discovered is the hardest job on the planet. 

From that moment on, I have been the head of this household, making all the decisions about everything from lawn care, to buying a car…and let’s not talk about the laundry.

From that moment on, I have been navigating this life alone…in this big house, just Maris and I. 

And now, from this moment on, Maris and I move forward with perseverance, faith, and love.  From this moment on…

…my dreams came true…because of you.  Tim, thank you making my dreams come true and for giving me the greatest of all of your gifts…a piece of you that shines all of my days, Maris Leigh.  Love you, honeykins.  





No comments:

Post a Comment