Yesterday, while I was at the zoo, i has a panic attack. I am sharing this because it is not the first one, but it was def one of the bigger episodes. I am sharing this…bc maybe you need to read these words today.
pan·ic at·tack
noun
plural noun: panic attacks
- a sudden feeling of acute and disabling anxiety.
In case you don’t know what one is…it isn’t just heavy breathing. It feels like a rock is crushing you against a wall. Trying to stop it from happening takes all of your physical and mental energy (which is challenging at the zoo).
Then, it just wrecks you. You cry, your feel this overwhelming exhaustion. Things get dizzy, gray, black. You tell yourself to calm down…but you can’t. You sit down, but you feel afraid. You stand up. You feel afraid. Even leaning…scary.
The last time my panic attack took over, I fell and busted my face. The time before, the squad was called.
Every person is different, so I can’t explain why they happen. Yet, for me, they happen when I feel like I am losing control. I had my first fainting attack in the late 80’s while checking out groceries at Kroger (what a fun job). I was standing there, and then there were too many people talking to me, I hadn’t eaten, and then I just collapsed, and I couldn’t breathe. I had one at work at the beginning of my 4th year when I was in a meeting that just ….well, if a “tangent” was a shape, the meeting because the shape of a tangent. I couldn’t breathe. I ran out, and it took an hour to calm me down.
When I looped up to second grade, I was trying to balance a new baby, a master degree internship, a new team, and a bunch of other bullshit. I was having small attacks almost daily. I would cry on the way to work. Then, at lunch, I would become upset about feeling left out of life/friendships (I know…what was I …12!!??). I would cry, and then many times, the crying would become hyperventilation. It was horrible trying to make it to recess duty on time, looking like life was grand (and doing the recovery alone).
…Yesterday, I couldn’t find the zoo passes. I looked and looked. I could visualize them…but they were no where to be found. When we got to the gate, I had to pay for parking!! This really set me off. I went to the season pass desk, and I found out my card was expired ….on 1/31/2016. He never renewed them because in 6 short days, he was gone. In a moment, he was just gone. Gone.
I cried. The cashier cried. I got a new card, and she made a note that I could add in another name in the family space (like my mom…which made me cry more).
I couldn’t pull it back together. We petted the goats, and I kept feeling worse. She climbed and ran and jumped….ugh. We got in line for the giraffes…UGH. Then, as soon as we walked away from the giraffes to the BIG park, I just couldn’t. It took over. I was hot, cold, weak. I was dizzy, disoriented, embarrassed. I wanted to be home. I wanted to be far away. I sat and cried. Thank goodness for Carol.
I was finally able to leave the park, drive home. Carol conned Maris into a Plan B. We at least enjoyed a bit of the zoo.
The rest of the day was a blur. I tried to pull myself together, but all I could do was deal with trash day and dishes. Thankfully my neighbor fed us and took Maris for a bit. We were both in bed by 8. When I woke up, she was snoring next to me….I don’t even remember when she came in my bed.
I love her. All she cared about was playing with Cee Cee, seeing the “graffs.” All that mattered was telling Miss CaFy about her new fish, Butterfly. I want her to smile everyday. I am trying to make those smiles happen everyday. ….but today, my body and mind betrayed me. …and I felt like I let her down.
I am sharing this because ….take a look around today. Take a look into the eyes of your friends and co-workers. You might think you know…but do you? Ask them…how are you? Then, when they say, “good/fine.” ….ask again. Keep asking.
Lastly….if you live by Morse and Hamilton, I frequent that Starbucks, If you see my car, screech in behind me because my therapist suggested I do things for others …like I used to when I was working. So, I am buying the order of the car behind me every time I go there. So, look for my license plate, and you can get your free coffee (and gosh who knows what else you ordered!!!) :)
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