AHHH…the journey:
So, it has been only 38 days, and I am definitely in a state
of denial—even though I say I am not.
The rambles, the random thoughts, the questions, the
concerns—the looks of sympathy…UGHHHHHH
They all swirl around and around— Then most of them land in
2 places: the notes section of my phone
and the late night texts (to those of you who have stayed awake “talking” to
me—I sincerely thank you).
When the mess-the horrible mess that completely fills my
mind-not clouding it, but crushing it—when it has no where to go-- it gazes at
bad reality TV and repeatedly listens to the same songs over and over and
over-while I just lie on the floor by the fire…pretty much almost every night.
I can’t concentrate to read, and I am paralyzed by all of
the things I need to do…ALL THE THINGS…and then there are the notations…
For today: a glimpse:
(just randomly picked)
2.17: the canvas of
Maris on the mantel falls—almost hitting her
2.18: I don’t want to
be the person of pity—so I am going to avoid all “events”
2.18: my kid has no
dad
2.18: I am agitated
at random moments…it’s like: did I just
yell??
2.18: it’s barely
been any time at all…and I am exhausted
2.23: coffee pot
makes a loud noise like it is heating up at 10:30 at night
2.24: listening to
her cry, seeing her tears—not being able to stop the tears
2.24: will I ever
curl up with someone again?
2.29: the valentine
banner keeps swaying
3.8: it looks like there are whiskers in his sink
I have yelled, and she has yelled. She talks about daddy, and I call him
MIT. She looks like him all day long…and
sometimes, it is hard to see him in her face.
Tonight (3.14) she said she wished he would come back home. Me, too.
I have already been judged.
Some say they are proud and in awe of how I have handled all of this,
and some say I should look-- hide my life---be the person who hides. I don’t know how to be except to be
me—whomever she may be…
I post on social media my journey, but then I am
judged. I am having too much fun,
spending too much time with friends…whatever.
I could also post what I do most every night. Reading with her, snuggling with her…listening
her tell me that I am “the best girl ever”…but really after 11 pm, when
everyone is asleep: NOTHING. Alone, feeling sad. 1am 2am 3am…
I get all these questions:
What are you going to do?
Are you keeping the truck?
What are you doing with the ashes?
Are you OK financially?
When and are you going back to work…and why not?????
What are you going to do next? What do you think you want to do??
Will Maris stay in school this summer?
Are you applying for another job?
Are you cleaning out his stuff?
Have you been the therapy?
Is Maris going to therapy?
What do you do all day?
How are you?
How are you?
And the list goes on….
I have some answers, but I don’t have answers for all of
them…
I love Maris. More than life……She is her daddy’s girl. Maybe I am not doing it “right,” but after 5
weeks, I know that she is my focus—always.
I cry every single day. I curse
him every single day. I love him.
And …our fav singer, Ray is coming to Cbus, finally after 3
years..and I have no one to go with…unless I am the “3rd.” I can’t recall the last time I was the 3rd…bc
I always invited the 3rd,, but now….I am the 3rd.
And now…I am the 3rd.
And Maris has no one to help her find the Easter Eggs…
3.13.2016
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