"It often seems, looking back, that the unexpected comes to define us, the paths we didn't see coming and may have wandered down by mistake. The older we get the more willing we are to follow those, to surprise ourselves."
— Anna Quindlen
Reflection is more than just thinking upon things..stewing about them. Being open to growing and changing is more than looking backward and acknowledging “yeah that was messed up,” or “that was such a great decision.”
Sometimes you have to go back and really look at events, decisions, timelines, to figure out how to go forward. Recently, I looked back. I decided to look into the past to see if it could help me understand where I am now—how I choose actions, reactions, create timelines, now, today.
What I found is that I do forgive. Not just others, but I forgive myself.
But then, I never forget. I have this ridiculous memory. My husband calls it my steel trap (a huge benefit and caveat in a marriage…).
I don’t forget. If you said it to me…I remember. If you said we talked about something, I know what I was wearing-where we were standing-what song was playing. And it is rare that I get these details wrong. Not only do I remember all of the details…I know exactly how I said what I said, and I know exactly what you said—contrary to what you think you said. I also know what your face looked like…what your body language said. I remember it all. Sounds like a detective, right? Maybe…except my feelings are part of the memory---and I don’t forget that either. Scrap detective as a second career choice.
And I am grateful for this trait. I mean it should stop me from making any future mistakes. With this insane ability to recreate situations gone wayward in my past…I should have 20/20 for the future…
But no.
The thing with mistakes is that the lesson is learned. It is taken in, given a reference number, logged and secured. Yet, if this is true, how do we make some of the same mistakes over and over again?
I asked this question to a friend recently, and the reply was so simple, yet eerily alarming. The reply was that it is not really about whether or not the lesson was learned…because it was. It is simply whether or not you choose to listen to it and make a different decision. OHHHHH. WOW.
I wish I had thought of this sooner. I mean I apply this philosophy to eating. As in “I will not eat those fries. I have had them before, and I do not need them again. I choose not to eat them because I know I will gain weight if I eat them.” I have been able to make a decision regarding food, and stick with it. Or, “I will not open my new Oprah magazine until I clean the kitchen. I choose not to read it until I have my cleaning done so I don’t feel overwhelmed and mad at myself like I have in the past.”
But then…then why was it when I was a young single girl, I could never stick to the decision of “I will not call him. He can call me so I don’t look like a desperate punk like I have in the past” (this was before texting….which is pretty much the greatest gift and worst evil ever). I mean I would always give in and call him…even though I knew he would let it go to the answering machine (no voicemail then either). I knew the outcome because I had learned my lesson, but yet, I failed in the decision making department time and time again.
So, I guess both of these scenarios show very different viewpoints of “decision making.”
….This blog post has been sitting for well over a week. Reading it now, it still says what I believe to be true about mistakes and reflecting on them. It still reveals my ability to forgive…but not forget. Yet, in this past week, I began to think a little differently about making those same mistakes over and over and whether or not what my friend said was true: we learn the lesson, but it is what we choose to do with the lesson…
I do make some of the same damn dumbass mistakes over and over. I do get mad at myself when I do this--AND YES, some mistakes need never to be repeated...and WON'T
But what about looking at some of the dumbass mistakes as second chances? What about giving “the decided” a breath of indecision?
Am I learning? Yes. Are there some mistakes that I won’t dare tread closely to? Yes. But are there chances out there that I am willing to tiptoe up to …whisper closely with…
“A chance is like a picture. It’d be nice if you’d just take it.” (Drake)
The answer is …maybe….to “surprise myself.”
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