April … Spring is Here, Breaking Down the Icebergs! 4.22.2015

Finally Spring is here!   It is the time of year that people begin to take off their quilts of frost bite and reunite with the outside world.  For me, Spring is the time that I begin to clean out the closets and the cobwebs.  This Spring may bring a rainstorm of renewal for some, but it brings a blow torch to an iceberg for me.

Typically, for me in my career, after an event that I chair is over and complete, I begin the countdown to the end of the year, but that isn’t exactly the case this year.  This year, the countdown began somewhere around October.  I can’t say exactly what started it, as I know it was several things all wrapped into one. 

When I started this blog, I had just turned 40.  No one actually tells you that at some point, your body and mind turns 40.  I really don’t have many friends at all that are older than me…so I had no idea at all.  So, to all my 20 and 30 somethings:  enjoy your “sanity.”

But this year…things feel so different.  So if you can bear it, here are my ramblings for April.  And there are many, many rambles…

1.  Let’s start with my daughter.  She is 3 years and 4 months old.  Since before she was born, she was exposed to music.  I had these “belly buds.”   She could listen to my ipod on these speakers that attached to my growing belly.  I played this calm yoga music.  (She still loves this music on her Nano at night).  Yet, in the car…I played my music.  I like it loud.  I like it as it is.  So, she heard it all:  she heard Elton John.  She heard Lionel Richie.  She heard Greg Laswell.  She heard the Smashing Pumpkins and Nirvana.  She heard boy bands and hair bands.  She heard Drake and Journey, Michael Jackson, and Adele.  She heard Kenny Chesney and the Thievery Corporation.  She heard Weezer and Fleetwood Mac. 

I listen to everything.  She heard …well, she heard it all…Which means she heard my love of R &B and Hip Hop and Rap….and now, at this age, it cracks me up a little because she truly has an infinity for children’s music and for….R&B and Hip Hop and Rap.  When we are in the car, she has as definite opinion of what she likes…

so …here we go:  Maris’ favorite songs with mommy  (in no specific order)

Jhene Aiko:  The Worst

The Weeknd:  Earned it

SchoolBoy:  Studio

Tinashe:  2 On (the clean version)

Calvin Harris:  Titanium

Great Big World: Say Something

Schoolboy Q:   Studio

Katy Perry:  Dark Horse

Jeremih/YG:  Don’t Tell ‘Em

Tove Lo:  Habits

Bruno Mars:  Uptown Funk (Nana’s song)

**in addition, her new favorite words are:  “awesome,” “also,” “I NEED,” and “maybe,”  “actually”  oh…and “go buddy!” (I yell that in the car a lot…)….

2.  I have discovered a few things about myself (and I think many of you can identify with on some level of variety)

 —that I knew, but not in this intense and encompassing manner:  Gratitude has always been a huge piece of my life…but, as I grow into a newer sense of who I am, I am realizing that it is not only important in my life, but it is becoming …a deal-breaker.  After reading The Heart of the 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman, I can see that my love language is through gratitude and simple ways of showing I care. 

Chapman tells me to show that language in various ways to see if others will respond in kind.  He tells me that others may not speak that language, but I get confused.  Gratitude—a simple thank you—is not a language of love.  It is a simple norm of respect, professionally and personally.  I am beginning to realize that much like politics and religion:  a plain and simple “thank you” is seemingly too difficult to express (or is “taboo”) for some.  It’s not difficult.  It’s two words…THANK.YOU.  There is no parade needed, no long note, no email, no text needed.  Just the two simple words.  If this is offensive to you—or maybe doesn’t seem to make sense, well, I would like to apologize, but I’m not actually sorry for valuing the sharing a mutual respect. 

And with this, I must add:  this is not simply about not getting a thank you to ME…it is much more about watching others not being appreciated.  It is troublesome to me to see others’ efforts and kindness disrespected.  In fact, as I type this at this moment…watching others not shown gratitude pisses me off even more.  Seriously.

Which takes me to my next ramble…expectations.  I have always had high expectations for myself and for those around me, but lately I have noticed that I am feeling let down or perhaps, hurt, by those expectations that aren’t met.  Oh Mr.  Chapman, thank you for letting me know that I simply cannot expect things from others (with the exception of the aforementioned “thank you.”)  So, with that…I decided to just stop expecting and start doing.

Continuing on…I decided recently to “write my story.”  I wrote it in terms of academic and professional journeys.  I wanted to see who I really was … as an “academic” and as a “professional.”  The recurring thread was easy to identify.  Every time I got knocked down, I picked myself up again.  I went from a student in all gifted classes to a student who barely made it out of undergrad to a student who obtained a license to teach and a master degree with only 4 B’s.  I went from a retail employee to a social work environment to a teacher.  I have been on numerous committees and participated in various initiatives (if you are a teacher, you know these initiatives actually last about 2 years) and attempted many new ventures in my career as a teacher.

 In sharing this in a conversation with a colleague (whom is not a close friend)…she said she heard a risk-taker.  In all of my years since the 7^th grade, I have never seen myself as a risk taker (hell, even way before that).  Huh, who knew…I am a risk taker.  Me, a risk taker.  I kinda feel cool …yeah, that sounds weird, but damn!!  I am a risk taker.

She also said…relationships are important to me, trust is important to me…and I base my life around these pieces, combined with my overwhelming desire to support, encourage, and help people.  So going back to Gary Chapman…I can only be me, and if the pieces in my relationships that I choose to share aren’t there, then I don’t have to be there (and yes, I am fully aware, if I am not speaking the love language that others speak…they can drop me like a hot potato, too).

This …all of this …was and has been a huge process of learning for me.  I’m going to pause and give a shout out to 2 friends who have been tirelessly listening to me go on and on about trying to understand this.  You know who you are.  High fives in the hallway to you.     

3.  Lastly:  a collection:

1.    I have had more hairstyles in 10 years than I can count.  Short, long, medium, bangs, side swoop, slicked over, blonde, brownish, BLONDE, streaked.   I like that I will change it at any moment….RISK TAKER ;)

2.    It’s too bad about Pharell and Robin Thicke…It is still a total JAM.

3.    I recently learned two new slang terms:  truffle butter and thot.  I was also called one of those by a student…no comment.

4.    This is the hardest year I have encountered in 11 years, but I am still standing…still fighting.  Less than 40 to go.  I can do this.

5.    Red wine is fine.  Always.

6.    Texting can be therapy-

7.    Life at 43…isn’t what you think it might feel like

8.    In the middle of the hardest year ever: 

·      Tears over Bridge to Terabithia

·      Tears when a student finds out Charlotte (Charlotte’s Web) dies (she never knew)

·      Complete disbelief in the tales of Black History…and the engagement of the Show Way quilt and the chance to make one

·      The perfect balance of chaos and engaged learning

9.    The parenting thing…is so difficult…I had no idea that a simple concept like using a toilet would make me question everything I know about children, how they develop and grow, and … how I am as a parent (painful…#epicfail)

10. I love looking out my back window now…I am so grateful for the decorator who forced me to make my home look like “me, ” like my home….

11. I really love food.  Thank goodness I work out…!!! 

12. With that said, I might be really ready to work on my cookbook/food blog this summer J

13. I really love watching so many of my friends find love…or at least, something that “resembles” love.  Smooch smooch!!

14. Why is nasal spray so horrible?  It helps us breathe…isn’t that essential to life?

15. When you are told that you are hard to be in a relationship with…then you pause.

16. Hearing “I love you, mommy”…no words could ever sound better in my ears…

Happy New Year 2015!! A new year…a new word. 1.19.2015

Before I begin, let me just briefly address my last post.  It was an opinion.  This blog is my words, my thoughts, my reactions, my experiences.  I wanted to talk about a difficult subject (the notion of choosing happiness) through which I felt many people might find a connection.  What I found, however, was that many people thought I was reaching out, putting too much “out there,” asking for attention, and generally a person who was hurting far past a “bad day.”  If you are in my world, and you know me in real life...well, that’s all I can say about that.  If you have stumbled onto this blog outside of my world, I hope that my intention reached you in a way that may have made you think. 

The truth is…when you write, and you are putting your words into the world, you do expect a reaction…isn’t that, after all, why we communicate, read, write, paint, and simply interact and share with others?  Without any reaction in the world…then what’s the point?  Life is all about interactions and reactions… 

And now onto my post…

“There comes a day when you realize turning the page is the best feeling in the world because you realize there is so much more to the book than the page you were stuck on.” 

~Zayn Malik

Happy New Year!  Welcome 2015

It is a new year.  Last year, my word was REDO…and somewhere along the year, I felt like I wasn’t redoing, I was reverting. 

My five days of working out became 4 (sometimes 3 by September).   My plan to redo pieces of my house starting in February didn’t happen until September, and my basement still looks like the set of a Hoarders.  The thoughts and plans I made in my mind to move forward and “let go” were halted simply because I let nothing go…I don’t know how, or I didn’t see how. 

My goal of living life in the moment was probably the one thing I actually truly maintained.  I started napping when I was tired, leaving toys around the house, randomly cooking 4-5 things at a time, entertaining more on the spot, eating more hamburgers (probably not the best idea), having more mother/daughter dates (even the ones at home when I do her nails), taking the first family vacation, jumping in the pool for swim lessons with my daughter (even without perfect thighs), having more date nights with my hubby (I think we blew our budget on wine), deciding that I would scrap the lesson “plan,” and read a book with my class for an hour, playing with my daughter when she said, “Mommy, you wanna play wit me?  My wanna play wit you mommy.”  And in the middle of the mess of life…there was more laughter, much more laughter—the kind where you laugh until you have tears running down your face. 

So, as the year was winding down, I looked back at some of the messes of my life.  I did, in fact, hit a rough patch.  I wasn’t sure what was wrong with me (but I was definitely avoiding whatever is was), but I knew I had to address it…begin to fix it.  Some of the pieces fell into place quickly, and some are still untwisting themselves.  Most of these winding roads…I kept to myself, as I often do.  I am usually “fine.”  So, I learned a valuable lesson this year…”fine” isn’t the best answer (even though I am still guilty of it), and I learned a lot about who is really and truly in my deepest darkest corner (the one where I hide). 

thank you…

So, after I began to slowly break through the fog, my focus was quickly shifted …the holidays were here!  I embraced them, I hosted Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s and the big Buckeye/Bama game.  I had friends over, and I cooked and cooked.  I even finished a WHOLE book.  I didn’t even shop until December 21^st and 22^nd!  This was NOT me… Why?  Because I wasn’t a freak.  I wasn’t losing my shit over the TO DO list.  Something inside me began to shift.  Was I suddenly not “Michelle” anymore? 

No. 

But a new piece of me was emerging…and not the one you might expect to read about in the coming sentences:  

…a me that was TIRED …so TIRED of worrying about everyone else, about fixing friendships, and apologizing until my lips hurt from saying, “I’m sorry.”   I was tired of walking on eggshells, of over-reflecting every conversation, of over-indulging people, of trying to be this “person” for everyone.  Yes, it is true that I love to take care of people.  That has not changed, but taking care of someone doesn’t mean chasing after them over and over…when they aren’t chasing back.  I was tired of running and chasing…with no finish line in sight. 

I was rereading old journals recently, and I was tired just from reading my words.  Yet, I was empowered by reading my words…the “tired” made me realize that one of my greatest tools to the “messes” was right in front of me.   It wasn’t in all of the races and chases and pleading words…it was in the words I had written…in between the messes and the twisted ropes were the moments I want to remember the most in my life. 

 the day I got the call that I would actually graduate from OSU (by the hair of my chinny chin chin)

 the gratitude journal I started when I moved in with my best friend

  the day I met my husband (even though was “done” dating) 

 the day my best friend walked down the aisle 

 the day I walked down the aisle, and when we smashed cake all over each other

 the day I sat on a mountain in Colorado with two of my dearest friends and decided I really wanted to become a teacher

 the day my brother got married…I gave a speech and cried the whole time

 the many days that created the 3 musketeers

  the day we surprised my mom on her 60^th birthday

  the day my dad painted my bedroom with me (a beautiful Tiffany blue faux finish) and we ate meatloaf sandwiches on the front porch

  the days I held my best friend’s 2 daughters…and the day she held mine

  the day I was hired as a teacher

  the days spent with some of the finest (6) and most amazing friends and teachers (many more) I know

  the days spent on the patio and around my kitchen table with so many friends

  the days spent on a deck with a friend who always asks me “what’s next?”

  the days this past summer with a dear dear friend and both of our families (a moment we often wondered if it would happen)

  the days of cooking with wine pouring and music playing

  the day I saw two lines…I was pregnant

  the day Maris was born, and the look in my husband’s eyes—the baby was a girl…the happiest day of my whole life

~and I could go one and on….because all of those moments were in the journals…

~and…I don’t want to be stuck on a page.  I want to turn the page.

so, with that…my word for 2015 is simple:

Write.  Just Write.

Write.

The Notion of "Choosing Happiness" 11.10.2014

Disclaimer…this is my blog and my opinion, but my intention is just to maybe….shed some perspective.

“Today I choose to be happy.”  I have read this quote or some version of this quote so many times, and quite frankly, I think it is a load of crap.   I am not this highly negative person, but this is one notion I have yet to wrap my brain around. 

Looking back over the last few years of my life, I have truly felt intense joy and happiness.   My daughter’s spirit has delivered smile after smile to my face.   When I am in her space and the space of my family, my heart is full, and I feel happiness.  When I think about all the blessings I have and all of the heartache that so many are experiencing, I feel blessed and grateful…true blessings and gratitude.

Looking back over the last few years of my life, I have also felt intense hurt and pain.  I lost a friend to intense hurt and pain…  In those moments of my life, I tried to “put on my game face.”  I tried the “fake it,  ‘til you make it” strategy.  I tried to use food, alcohol, exercise, shopping …to make it “better.”  But while there were moments of happiness and joy threaded into this...In that moment, I could not choose happiness.  My dear friend couldn’t either.  If she could have “chosen happiness,” she might still be here.  While I don’t speak of it, I have not been able to process her tragic death.  I still feel intense pain and miss her terribly. 

A few years prior to this, I watched my mother in- law lose her battle with cancer.   In those moments after that terrible day, I tried to be brave, to be strong.  I put on a warm smile as I tried to comfort others, especially my husband.  In all of those moments of sorrow, I could not choose happiness.  How do you choose happiness when your heart hurts and can only feel pain?  

Happiness is an emotion.   Webster Dictionary defines emotion as

 An emotion: a strong feeling (such as love, anger, joy, hate, or fear). 

I cannot choose my emotions.  I can choose a reaction.  I can choose what I say.  I can choose with whom I interact and with whom I choose to spend time.   I can choose what I eat, whether or not I work out.  I can to work harder at work or organize my basement.

But, I am simply incapable of choosing to “be happy.”  I am not saying I am never happy, but I am not one of those people who will ever walk around and say:  “it is what it is” or “it’s all good.”  In my opinion, those statements are lies we tell ourselves, as we try to fake “happiness.”

Two years ago, I spent an entire school year pretending I was fine…things were ok.  I rarely spoke to anyone, and I stayed in my room all the time.  And when I did open the door, it seemed like I could do nothing right.  I finally decided that I would take a year off.  I had to get out of there.  I felt completely invisible in a career that I busted my ass to build.  I went from a leader to completely disposable in 6 months.  “Choose happiness!!..”  There was no way to do that in my opinion.  I felt happiness in my home with my family, but everything else with work and even with some of my friends was a façade.   I didn’t choose happiness.   I faked “fine.”  I stayed at that job for one reason only:  to loop with my kids to 3^rd grade because I taught them not to give up-to persevere—so I would not give up an opportunity to stay with them. 

And now, a few years later, I am still struggling with this.  I am typing this because I know I can’t be alone.  I see all the posts on Facebook and all the pins on Pinterest.   “Today I chose to be happy.”  Blah.   I guess I can also choose to be pissed, sad, angry, crazy…..

I am not sure where I go from here in my life, but I know for me, I have to begin to be more authentic-real-stop lying.   I know that I have to reach out more, be intentional with whom I spend my time-those who truly want to be in my space—even when I am NOT happy—but when I am pissed, angry, sad, and crazy.  I also know that we all need to pay more attention…to ourselves and to the others around us.  Not everyone is choosing happiness…and maybe the next time you ask someone “how are you?”…you might wait for the answer, you might look closer at their eyes and think…is this person “really happy?” like he/she says.

Even Oprah says you can’t buy happiness.  And one life event doesn’t create a lifetime of happiness, either.  Gratitude, yes.  Blessing, yes. 

…

I often look back to the last year Wendy was here…She said she was doing well.  She said she was feeling happy ...  Choose happiness?  Bullshit.

And that…is just my opinion.  And in case you were wondering…positive thinking—putting things in the universe like my last blog….NOT the same as choosing an emotion.  Not at all.  …again, in my opinion.

positive thinking? visualization? is that real? 7.10.2014

Well, another school year is complete, and I spent the last few weeks decompressing, cleaning (a little), and doing what I do best…thinking.

I had a conversation with a friend the other day…

OK, let me stop here.   Here’s the thing about a personal blog.  If I am going to write about my life, the fact is…I do have friends in my life.  So, if you see “your” story here, please take it as a compliment that I thought about our time and connection together and wanted to mention it here.  I rarely ever choose to put names in my blog.  So, you can also un-assume it is about you, and you can just read the post.

Positive or negative, if you’re mentioned here, I most likely think a lot of you.

So, in my conversation, we were talking about the power of positive thinking.  We were talking about the validity of “thinking and visualizing.”  We talked about the notion of putting energy into the universe and how that energy comes back to you. Some might refer to this as the “Secret,” a theory on living based on a bestselling book from several years back.  If you are an “Oprah” person, you probably are very familiar with this concept…She is a huge believer and advocate of this philosophy.

My friend asked if I believed in it.  As we chatted, I shared some of the ways I do believe in it, and some of the ways I incorporate it in my life.   I told her I believe in making lists, putting goals and desires in writing, and I believe in the power of a vision board, creating a collage of images and words of goals you have for your life.

I shared a story with her that I will share here:  When I was in 3^rd grade, I went to a school in the same community I work now (stay tuned).  In the 3^rd grade, I had a student teacher (Miss Chrisman was her name, and I wish I could find her now to share this).  At the end of her time with us, she wrote us these adorable predictions of where we would be in our lives in the year 2005.  I remember thinking even as a 9 year old…”Why would she pick 2005?  I will be 32 by then.”

I tucked the prediction into a scrapbook.  It stayed there for the next 22 years.

Let me restate something I have mentioned in a previous post…I don’t believe in coincidences.

Later, as my life unfolded—not everything went according to plan.   As I mentioned before, college wasn’t all cram sessions and coffee.   While I was working for Kroger (a job I had had since 16), I eventually moved to the catering division, as an event planner.  While I was there (I was miserable), I wrote in my journal a lot.  I was doing a gratitude journal at the time, but one day, after work, I wrote:

“On February 24^th, 2000, I will have a new job.”

True story:  On February 24^th, my best friend called me on the phone, and she said, “Hi.  Do you want a new job?”  I ended up interviewing and getting a job at Head Start as a family service worker.  

As time went on, I still had my dream (of becoming a teacher or a writer).   I was sitting in the office one day, and I overheard another friend talking about the teacher licensure program at Ohio Dominican.  I made an appointment, and I was on my way. 

After a long road to obtain my licensure, I was ready for the interviews.  I created my portfolio, and then I went into the basement.  I dug out the prediction that I had tucked into my scrapbook. 

“In the year 2005, MT, will become a third grade teacher at Etna Road Elementary School.” 

It was now 2004.   I didn’t get hired at the school where I had been subbing.  Broken and sad, with no other “bites,” I saw a posting for a 1^st grade job in the community where I grew up, Whitehall.  The interview wasn’t at Etna Road.  It was at Beechwood, one of the other elementary schools.   I had been working summer school in the district that DIDN’T hire me (I was already committed).  But…that principal knew the principal at Beechwood very well (no coincidences), and I got an interview.  I took my prediction with me.   I got the job.  In fact, I wasn’t even home before I got the call with the offer. 

In 2004, MT became a first grade teacher at Beechwood Elementary, and in 2005, she was 32, and she was teaching in the same district as the prediction.

These are two small examples of how the power of written word and positive energy has influenced and shaped my life’s journey. 

As my friend and I chatted, she began to share that maybe, just maybe, there was some “food for thought” in what I was sharing.  I explained that I had created a vision board that was mainly focused on having a baby (which I have discussed at length in a previous post).  The vision board also reflected my feelings about how I believe that the kitchen is the heart of the home and family.  There were also many images and words about begin active and choosing a healthy lifestyle.  The board isn’t magic, of course.  I made it in December 2010.  She was born in November 2011.  The heart of my family is our kitchen, and it is also the heart of many of my friendships.  That active lifestyle, also mentioned in a previous post, began in June 2013, and it has grown stronger and stronger.  It is a part of not just my life, but also for my husband and daughter, who is now 31 months old.

I have also incorporated the power of positive thinking and visualization into my classroom.  This past year was my first foray into teaching in a “testing grade.”  As the big test date came closer and closer, I wanted to teach my students some strategies for taking the test—and for life.   We took construction paper, and we folded it into 4 boxes.  In one box, we wrote the strategy that works best for me for “what to do when I am tired, and I’m stuck.”  In another box, we wrote one happy memory that we could think of if we need a quick brain break in the middle of the test.  In a third box, we wrote 1-3 words that get us going when we need a push.  In the last box, we wrote the score we wanted to see on the paper when we got our score in the mail.  Below is an example of what my 4 box looked like:

Looking up at the ceiling/visualizing (my strategy)	When Maris was born, and I looked into her eyes for the first time. (a happy memory/thought)
PERSEVERANCE BELIEVE  (the words that keep me going)	445  (my pretend score)

The kids looked at this 4 box each time we “practiced,” and they also read over it one last time before the test.  It was their reminder that they had strategies and strength.  Did it work?  Did this translate into "high" scores?  All I will say is this…I am damn proud of them, and I do believe that they took that test feeling positive and believing in themselves.  And, that…well, that -a positive feeling a belief in oneself- is for life.

In the last few years, I have been cautious about what I “put out there” into the universe.  I am cautious not to say things that I really don’t want to happen.  I am a believer in what “positive” things could happen.    It isn’t really that “out there” as one might think.  Actually, I saw the perfect pin on Pinterest recently that

captures this belief and philosophy spot on: 

It doesn't seem to want to post here, but this is what it says:

Decide what it is you want.

Write that shit down.

Make a fucking plan.

And…

Work on it.

Every.

Single.

Day.

Damn good advice.  You want it…put it out there, and then GO GET IT!