So….Here it is…--the first of...
A friend asked my tonight when my next blog will be. I said “By this weekend.” But, if I have learned anything from …well,
don’t wait…just DO.
If you are stumbling across this blog, you should know that
I type whatever I choose. Tonight, I
will type the whatever of tonight, of the last 17 days…The last 17 days after I
lost my husband.
Tim…was a thousand smiles, and in my next blog, I might
share the speech I made at his funeral…a speech, a talk, words…in his memory
… I will never regret
speaking, but I would have regretted not speaking…not sharing a tiny piece of
who he was. And though many said they
could not have done that—the truth is (as the famous quote says), “You never
know how strong you are until strong is the only option.” Strong was my only option.
Strong was my only option because I was not only speaking
for Tim, but for his entire family…and quite frankly, the community of
Powhatan. He was so proud of his roots,
and I knew I had to respect and honor his hometown and the people who lived
there—and HIM.
So, I decided very early into this HELL—and I will call it
HELL because that is where my emotions are…(I wrote in previous blogs that I do
not believe in “choosing happy,” and for crying out loud—what the F is happy
about this??? What is a choice of an
emotion when someone dies? Really??) So, I decided that I wanted to blog my
journey…so if you will join me, I will take you through my year. My blog is called “A Year In and Of The
Life.” So…here we go.
My husband was killed in a car accident on 2.6.2016. I spoke and texted with him past midnight on
the 5th, so I know this happened on the 6th. I chose, and I will forever choose NOT to
know the details. I know him. I know that he was with his “boys” doing what
they had done since they were 14. I will
never blame anyone, but I will curse his fucking ass over and over….for leaving
us. Us, meaning me and his 4 year old
daughter. Damn him for leaving us----for
leaving HER.
In the moments before I knew, I drove fast/furious to his
hometown. I drove thinking he would be
in a hospital with months of physical therapy ahead of him. I drove with silent and vehement prayers.
But when I arrived in his hometown, my worst fears were
true. How dare he leave me, but hell…how
dare he leave the apple of his eye—the one about whom he said over and over, “I
love her to pieces.” I screamed and
yelled. I cried. It’s not funny, but in the days that
followed, I tried to be my jovial self by saying that I trumped Sally Field in
Steel Magnolias. Oh I did.
I am grateful for the community of Powhatan. People were instantly at my side, as we
cried, for not only Tim, but for 2 other men of this town. These 3 men were not only residents….they
were a legacy of their own families that spanned generations. These men were MEN. They were the kind of men that people speak
of when they say, “He was a good man.”
They were. They were great
men…They will always be great men. I had
a great man…a man of integrity and “that smile.” He will live on…in the smiles
of his girl….our incredible miracle, Maris.
The days that followed…all I can say is that…my friends and
family saved me. I may choose to write
more of this, but tonight, I simply want to share that this community was not
sad, not devastated, not numb, not angry, not in denial, not any of these
words. They were, as I was…a word that
does not encompass how we felt. Tears
weren’t enough. Yelling was not
enough. Staying silent was not
enough. Pretending was not enough. Cursing the hell out of them was not
enough. The word…to describe our
emotions does not exist. It simply does
not.
Tonight, I simply will write this….We are not too busy. We are not that pissed or angry at those who
have “wronged” us. We are not really ready
to shut the door on those whom at one time might have been our closest friends
for some “reason.” We are not that damn
fucking bitter. We are not better than
others. We are not really “loners” thay
don’t need anyone. We are not …we are not more than those who
surround us, uplift us, make us smile, get us a coffee, make us laugh, hug us
no matter what the situation is, laugh with us, cry with us, let us lie on
their laps while they pet our hair, and say I love you. Screw all that.
We are all going to die.
What are you waiting for…what????
You can’t connect when you are gone.
You can’t pour a glass of wine with your friends, and watch bad TV when
you are gone. You can’t go hiking, go to
happy hour (even with a kid), to the park, to listen to jazz, to eat food truck
food, to sing songs in the car at the top of your lungs, to go sledding, to
build sand castles, to drink beer in a little glass, to watch reality TV, and
to hug, to love, to hold each other…when you are gone. YOU CAN’T!!!!
You simply can dream it, wish it, but you can’t do it. …Not when you are gone…when a person from
your walks of life are GONE.
GO DO IT. Hold each
other, eat the cake, pour the wine, play in the grass, and hug, and hug, and
hug, and hug…Just take a moment to hold on…
Maybe this post seemed like a ramble, but that is where I am
on day 17.
*** a quick side note of gratitude to you (you know who you
are…the close and not close—the friends and those who are just reaching
out)….thank you. Thank you.
Just hold them close.
Call that person you are at odds with…Make a new friend. Smile.
Smile. Smile. That is what he did. Smile.
I sit here sipping on a little bit of bourbon because he
always wished I would order one “neat.”
Here you go, honeykin. I am
pissed at hell, but I love you endlessly.
Through all of the almost 16 years of marriage…I have loved you each
day. I miss you. I miss you.
