Finally Spring is
here! It is the time of year that
people begin to take off their quilts of frost bite and reunite with the
outside world. For me, Spring is the
time that I begin to clean out the closets and the cobwebs. This Spring may bring a rainstorm of renewal
for some, but it brings a blow torch to an iceberg for me.
Typically, for me
in my career, after an event that I chair is over and complete, I begin the
countdown to the end of the year, but that isn’t exactly the case this
year. This year, the countdown began
somewhere around October. I can’t say
exactly what started it, as I know it was several things all wrapped into one.
When I started
this blog, I had just turned 40. No one
actually tells you that at some point, your body and mind turns 40. I really don’t have many friends at all that
are older than me…so I had no idea at all.
So, to all my 20 and 30 somethings:
enjoy your “sanity.”
But this
year…things feel so different. So if you
can bear it, here are my ramblings for April.
And there are many, many rambles…
1. Let’s start with my daughter. She is 3 years and 4 months old. Since before she was born, she was exposed to
music. I had these “belly buds.” She could listen to my ipod on these
speakers that attached to my growing belly.
I played this calm yoga music.
(She still loves this music on her Nano at night). Yet, in the car…I played my music. I like it loud. I like it as it is. So, she heard it all: she heard Elton John. She heard Lionel Richie. She heard Greg Laswell. She heard the Smashing Pumpkins and
Nirvana. She heard boy bands and hair
bands. She heard Drake and Journey,
Michael Jackson, and Adele. She heard
Kenny Chesney and the Thievery Corporation.
She heard Weezer and Fleetwood Mac.
I listen to
everything. She heard …well, she heard
it all…Which means she heard my love of R &B and Hip Hop and Rap….and now,
at this age, it cracks me up a little because she truly has an infinity for
children’s music and for….R&B and Hip Hop and Rap. When we are in the car, she has as definite
opinion of what she likes…
so …here we
go: Maris’ favorite songs with mommy (in no specific order)
Jhene Aiko: The Worst
The Weeknd: Earned it
SchoolBoy: Studio
Tinashe: 2 On (the clean version)
Calvin
Harris: Titanium
Great Big World:
Say Something
Schoolboy Q: Studio
Katy Perry: Dark Horse
Jeremih/YG: Don’t Tell ‘Em
Tove Lo: Habits
Bruno Mars: Uptown Funk (Nana’s song)
**in addition,
her new favorite words are: “awesome,”
“also,” “I NEED,” and “maybe,”
“actually” oh…and “go buddy!” (I
yell that in the car a lot…)….
2. I have discovered a few things about myself
(and I think many of you can identify with on some level of variety)
—that I knew, but not in this intense and
encompassing manner: Gratitude has
always been a huge piece of my life…but, as I grow into a newer sense of who I
am, I am realizing that it is not only important in my life, but it is becoming
…a deal-breaker. After reading The
Heart of the 5 Languages of Love by Gary Chapman, I can see that my love
language is through gratitude and simple ways of showing I care.
Chapman tells me
to show that language in various ways to see if others will respond in
kind. He tells me that others may not
speak that language, but I get confused.
Gratitude—a simple thank you—is not a language of love. It is a simple norm of respect,
professionally and personally. I am
beginning to realize that much like politics and religion: a plain and simple “thank you” is seemingly too
difficult to express (or is “taboo”) for some.
It’s not difficult. It’s two
words…THANK.YOU. There is no parade
needed, no long note, no email, no text needed.
Just the two simple words. If
this is offensive to you—or maybe doesn’t seem to make sense, well, I would like
to apologize, but I’m not actually sorry for valuing the sharing a mutual respect.
And with this, I
must add: this is not simply about not
getting a thank you to ME…it is much more about watching others not being
appreciated. It is troublesome to me to
see others’ efforts and kindness disrespected.
In fact, as I type this at this moment…watching others not shown
gratitude pisses me off even more. Seriously.
Which takes me to
my next ramble…expectations. I have
always had high expectations for myself and for those around me, but lately I
have noticed that I am feeling let down or perhaps, hurt, by those expectations
that aren’t met. Oh Mr. Chapman, thank you for letting me know that I
simply cannot expect things from others (with the exception of the
aforementioned “thank you.”) So, with
that…I decided to just stop expecting and start doing.
Continuing on…I
decided recently to “write my story.” I
wrote it in terms of academic and professional journeys. I wanted to see who I really was … as an
“academic” and as a “professional.” The
recurring thread was easy to identify.
Every time I got knocked down, I picked myself up again. I went from a student in all gifted classes
to a student who barely made it out of undergrad to a student who obtained a
license to teach and a master degree with only 4 B’s. I went from a retail employee to a social
work environment to a teacher. I have
been on numerous committees and participated in various initiatives (if you are
a teacher, you know these initiatives actually last about 2 years) and
attempted many new ventures in my career as a teacher.
In sharing this in a conversation with a
colleague (whom is not a close friend)…she said she heard a risk-taker. In all of my years since the 7th
grade, I have never seen myself as a risk taker (hell, even way before that). Huh, who knew…I am a risk taker. Me, a risk taker. I kinda feel cool …yeah, that sounds weird,
but damn!! I am a risk taker.
She also said…relationships are important to me, trust
is important to me…and I base my
life around these pieces, combined with my overwhelming desire to support,
encourage, and help people. So going
back to Gary Chapman…I can only be me, and if the pieces in my relationships
that I choose to share aren’t there, then I don’t have to be there (and yes, I
am fully aware, if I am not speaking the love language that others speak…they
can drop me like a hot potato, too).
This …all of this
…was and has been a huge process of learning for me. I’m going to pause and give a shout out to 2
friends who have been tirelessly listening to me go on and on about trying to
understand this. You know who you
are. High fives in the hallway to
you.
3. Lastly:
a collection:
1. I have had more hairstyles in 10 years
than I can count. Short, long, medium,
bangs, side swoop, slicked over, blonde, brownish, BLONDE, streaked. I like that I will change it at any moment….RISK
TAKER ;)
2. It’s too bad about Pharell and Robin
Thicke…It is still a total JAM.
3. I recently learned two new slang
terms: truffle butter and thot. I was also called one of those by a
student…no comment.
4. This is the hardest year I have
encountered in 11 years, but I am still standing…still fighting. Less than 40 to go. I can do this.
5. Red wine is fine. Always.
6. Texting can be therapy-
7. Life at 43…isn’t what you think it might
feel like
8. In the middle of the hardest year
ever:
·
Tears
over Bridge to Terabithia
·
Tears
when a student finds out Charlotte (Charlotte’s Web) dies (she never knew)
·
Complete
disbelief in the tales of Black History…and the engagement of the Show Way
quilt and the chance to make one
·
The
perfect balance of chaos and engaged learning
9. The parenting thing…is so difficult…I had
no idea that a simple concept like using a toilet would make me question
everything I know about children, how they develop and grow, and … how I am as
a parent (painful…#epicfail)
10. I love looking out my back window now…I am
so grateful for the decorator who forced me to make my home look like “me, ”
like my home….
11. I really love food. Thank goodness I work out…!!!
12. With that said, I might be really ready to
work on my cookbook/food blog this summer J
13. I really love watching so many of my
friends find love…or at least, something that “resembles” love. Smooch smooch!!
14. Why is nasal spray so horrible? It helps us breathe…isn’t that essential to
life?
15. When you are told that you are hard to be
in a relationship with…then you pause.
16. Hearing “I love you, mommy”…no words could
ever sound better in my ears…
