Disclaimer…this
is my blog and my opinion, but my intention is just to maybe….shed some
perspective.
“Today I choose
to be happy.” I have read this quote or
some version of this quote so many times, and quite frankly, I think it is a
load of crap. I am not this highly
negative person, but this is one notion I have yet to wrap my brain
around.
Looking back over
the last few years of my life, I have truly felt intense joy and
happiness. My daughter’s spirit has
delivered smile after smile to my face.
When I am in her space and the space of my family, my heart is full, and
I feel happiness. When I think about all
the blessings I have and all of the heartache that so many are experiencing, I
feel blessed and grateful…true blessings and gratitude.
Looking back over
the last few years of my life, I have also felt intense hurt and pain. I lost a friend to intense hurt and
pain… In those moments of my life, I
tried to “put on my game face.” I tried
the “fake it, ‘til you make it” strategy. I tried to use food, alcohol, exercise,
shopping …to make it “better.” But while
there were moments of happiness and joy threaded into this...In that moment, I
could not choose happiness. My dear
friend couldn’t either. If she could
have “chosen happiness,” she might still be here. While I don’t speak of it, I have not been
able to process her tragic death. I
still feel intense pain and miss her terribly.
A few years prior
to this, I watched my mother in- law lose her battle with cancer. In those moments after that terrible day, I
tried to be brave, to be strong. I put
on a warm smile as I tried to comfort others, especially my husband. In all of those moments of sorrow, I could
not choose happiness. How do you choose
happiness when your heart hurts and can only feel pain?
Happiness is an
emotion. Webster Dictionary defines
emotion as
An emotion: a strong feeling (such as love,
anger, joy, hate, or fear).
I cannot choose my emotions. I
can choose a reaction. I can choose what
I say. I can choose with whom I interact
and with whom I choose to spend time. I
can choose what I eat, whether or not I work out. I can to work harder at work or organize my
basement.
But, I am simply incapable of choosing to “be happy.” I am not saying I am never happy, but I am
not one of those people who will ever walk around and say: “it is what it is” or “it’s all good.” In my opinion, those statements are lies we
tell ourselves, as we try to fake “happiness.”
Two years ago, I spent an entire school year pretending I was
fine…things were ok. I rarely spoke to
anyone, and I stayed in my room all the time.
And when I did open the door, it seemed like I could do nothing
right. I finally decided that I would
take a year off. I had to get out of
there. I felt completely invisible in a
career that I busted my ass to build. I
went from a leader to completely disposable in 6 months. “Choose happiness!!..” There was no way to do that in my
opinion. I felt happiness in my home
with my family, but everything else with work and even with some of my friends
was a façade. I didn’t choose
happiness. I faked “fine.” I stayed at that job for one reason
only: to loop with my kids to 3rd
grade because I taught them not to give up-to persevere—so I would not give up
an opportunity to stay with them.
And now, a few years later, I am still struggling with this. I am typing this because I know I can’t be
alone. I see all the posts on Facebook
and all the pins on Pinterest. “Today I
chose to be happy.” Blah. I guess I can also choose to be pissed, sad,
angry, crazy…..
I am not sure where I go from here in my life, but I know for me, I
have to begin to be more authentic-real-stop lying. I know that I have to reach out more, be intentional with whom I spend
my time-those who truly want to be in my space—even when I am NOT happy—but when
I am pissed, angry, sad, and crazy. I
also know that we all need to pay more attention…to ourselves and to the others
around us. Not everyone is choosing
happiness…and maybe the next time you ask someone “how are you?”…you might wait
for the answer, you might look closer at their eyes and think…is this person
“really happy?” like he/she says.
Even Oprah says you can’t buy happiness. And one life event doesn’t create a lifetime
of happiness, either. Gratitude,
yes. Blessing, yes.
…
I often look back to the last year Wendy was here…She said she was
doing well. She said she was feeling
happy ... Choose happiness? Bullshit.
And that…is just my opinion. And
in case you were wondering…positive thinking—putting things in the universe
like my last blog….NOT the same as choosing an emotion. Not at all.
…again, in my opinion.
