**** For the celebration on the 25th, I need
RSVP’s for YES only…
** if you are on FB:
go to my page
go to the top where it says, photos, etc.
click MORE
scroll down to EVENTS
the event that shows up first is his party
click on it
then answer if you are coming
it is hard to plan this a week away without a count
THANKS!!
**yes, there are so re-run mentions...it is because these are the moments that keep resurfacing...bear with me.
5.28.2016 (and, yes, this took me many days/weeks to
complete)
Dear Tim,
Happy 47th Birthday. I know you aren’t here, but it is still the
day you were born, and I am vowing today, to celebrate this day…rather than
mourn that horrific day in February in all the years to come. Today, Maris and I will celebrate your first
birthday in heaven.
I thought I would just talk to you like I always did. We would sit down at the kitchen table or on
the patio with a bottle of wine, a good mix of music.
You know, the talks where I would jump from one topic to
another moment to moment. The talks
where you would typically be the voice of reason for whatever my problem
was. The talks where I said that if you
wanted to go become a meteorologist—I would do whatever I could to support you,
but your pride, and your commitment to taking care of this family of three
always won over the risk. The talks
where we would talk about Maris …and all of the pieces that make her the person
she is. The talks where we dissect the
family…sometimes the drama (I mean EVERYone has family drama at some point) and
sometimes all of the joy and celebrations.
…and on and on.
So, let’s chat, honeykins.
Maris is wild. She is
growing so fast. I can barely keep up
with what she is doing day to day. It
seems to me that just like you and I always said, we all feed off each other. You know how you and I would say that if one
of us was having a rough day, we both were—or if we were both in a really good
mood, those would be our most spontaneous times.
“Let’s go the zoo.”
“Let’s go hiking.” “It’s Taco
Tuesday.” “Let’s go to the park, and
then we can get Rossi to go” (She is
DYING to go to the Rossi!!- She asks AT
LEAST once a week). “Let’s go to the
farmer’s market and then the park.”
“I’ll pack her stuff, you get her ready, and let’s be in the
car in 30.” “No, forget your hair, just
wear a ballcap—that’s how I like you.”
“Do you want to pack some PB and J?”
….30 minutes later:
“Who has the zoo pass?’ “Did you
bring sunscreen.” “I left her juice at
the house--you know she is gonna flip out.”
“We forgot the sunglasses.” “Did
you get her backpack.” “Did you put in a
snack?” “I have the coffee!” and always…”MARIS, LET’S GO!”…We were always
turning around before we even got out of the development!...Oh and let’s not
forget, the horror if we took a different route! “This is not the right way!!” (Miss Bossy
Pants—back seat driver!!) (PS…that is worse than ever because now she tells me
where everyone lives—who we were with—what spot we were at…the restaurant, what
she ordered…OMG!! She has my
memory—well, my old memory).
So, guess which two girls feed off each other now? Yeah, I know…it is like WWIII around here
some days. We yell, we pout, we stomp
our feet (ok, that’s just me!)…then we snuggle and say sorry. Since you left, I get all the hugs she gave
to you. She comes out of her room at
night looking for a hug. Some nights we
go 4-5 rounds. I think…she is afraid I
am going to go somewhere. She is so tall
and so heavy, but I still “wock” her (I can’t do “sack of tatoes”), but I can
chase her up the stairs where I, of course, always let her win.” I cry when I rock her-when I read to her…every
time. My prayer is always going to be to
strive to be a better mom each moment, but Tim, I am not going to lie. It is hell without you…my partner.
So, yeah, she still wants long sleeves (but, it is OHIO…it
is getting warm)…although I gotta say that the last true snow we had was the
day after you left. It was
beautiful. I am so grateful that the
last time sledding is on film. I have
your camera, and I have all the pics and videos that you took. Maris must have her pj pants touching her
ankles, and she still wants soft pants.
I try to tell her the big girls wear other things…sometimes she buys it,
sometimes, she doesn’t. She is missing
her mornings looking for Cameron on Good Day Columbus, and I am missing being
jealous of the two of your sharing cereal (thanks for spoiling her by still
feeding her at age 4) on the couch, as I ran out to work…always late. Remember how I would get mad if you didn’t
make my post-work out shake?
Speaking of that—I redid the workout space, and I am trying
to get back into it—and actually, I am.
I still think Horton is a total douche, but if I mute him, I still like
CVX. It has been hard to balance it
all—it is so new. I rarely get a break
from being…and of course, I still take too many things on at one time. I promise I will take better care of
myself. Maris is playing Happy Feet
again, and he she is loving it!! So, I
am trying to be “you,” and take her out and kick the ball. Today, they told me how focused she is and
how she listens to her coach. She kicks
the ball, and she is using her leg moves.
Yeah, I will call Shawnie into intervene ASAP. I think Michelle played, too. Stella can cheer for her!! (as long as she doesn’t bring the damn
horns!!) Audrey and Ella will be great at giving her confidence...just as she will pass it on to all of the "babies."
The landscaping is coming along. I sold your truck, and I know you understand. The grounds are slowly beginning to take
shape, and I can’t want to show off your space, our space, the family place…Z
patio. I haven’t made a fire yet. I can’t just yet…but I will when we open Z
patio. I decided to do all the herbs and
tomatoes in ceramic pots. I think it is
going to be beautiful. But, good grief,
I have to WATER all of those damn plants every night. I am not liking that (or taking out the
trash!). I am throwing a huge
celebration for you on the 25th of June—we are sending you balloons. And yes, I will play “your songs”…I even wore
one of your ACDC tees the other day…I have been wearing your clothes a lot
(hell, I bought them all). Oh, and I
washed my car today…it’s not like you would do it!! But…My oil needs changed, and you always did
that for me L
Maris is becoming the smiling daredevil daddy as much as she
is becoming a fireball like mommy. She
climbs, jumps, walks all over the place with no shoes!! Yesterday, out of nowhere she began to climb
all over EVERYthing. She was scaling the
retaining wall on the patio barefoot, climbing up the pillars…climbing on top
of the picnic table. She was picking the
chive flowers, walking through the backyard with her apple, wind blowing through
her hair that she still takes the barrettes out of!!! (it is getting so long-and yes she STILL
throws a fit when it tangles despite the ½ a bottle of the $15.00 detangler
spray I use daily –no off brands allowed for my hair snoot). I was
in cooking last night (your favorite Bolognese—you know how on certain days,
you would slyly say…”I was just kind of craving your bolognese pasta—and then
of course, I would make it). Anyway, I
was cooking last night for John, Cindy, Charley and Chelsey, and I had keep
looking out the window and hollering for Maris.
And, as usual, I had to keep yelling at her over and over. She is such an adventuresome lover of the
outdoors. Thank you for pushing
her. I promise to do my best. But seriously, who the hell is taking her to
Zoombeezi Bay that you told her you take her to this summer. GRRR.
And …will I be able to take her ziplining? Remember when we went to Punta Cana, and I
chose this excursion…you were so surprised by “scared yet spontaneous” choice.
Cee Cee has been my such a huge help. She started helping me in the morning when I
wasn’t sleeping. (Still not that
much). Then Cee Cee stayed when I went
back to work for a few weeks (I am sure that you aren’t surprised that somehow
I had to squeeze in my traditions one more time). She is getting more and more Happy Grams at
school, and she is growing in her skills.
Her people drawings look more like people, and she is noticing word in
books. Her new favorites are the Piggie and Elephant books and the Todd Parr
books. She can count 1:1. We are working on “how many more.” She can count to 100 by tens. She is trying to wash her hair, and of
course, she demands various styles, avoids 3 quarter sleeves, and she still thinks
every skirt and dress makes her an automatic princess. Her new thing is having braids in wet hair.
The singing. Tim, she
is destined to be …something in this area.
Maybe it’s your mom in her. She can
catch onto a tune within moments. The
other day, she was singing, “Hip Hop Horray!”
And, no joke, tonight it came on when we were coming home from Easton,
and I saw her eyes light up…and instantly, she began to sing the chorus!! She knows “daddy’s songs,” although she
prefers “mommy’s” music (do you have the right cord, mommy?). She loves her Kindle Fire, and she is understanding
the funny parts of some of the movies now.
Her laughter—so infectious. I’m
sorry, but in the last few months, I have let her watch more TV and
movies. I’m trying like crazy, but
honestly it is a coping skill for both of us—sounds odd, I know—but it is
better than us arguing. She loves to
perform for us, even cascading down the stairs dramatically singing, “Let it Go.”
And yes, I would still like the real Elsa to trip and fall. Her new favorite is Garfield. She crawls on the floor being Garfield. I have to be the mommy Garfield.
She likes being mommy’s helper more. She throws the laundry over the banister, and
then she carries it all to the laundry room.
You would not BELIEVE how much f’ing laundry 2 people have. I hate laundry. I really took it for granted how you took on
that chore. Oh, and let’s mention for a
moment the fact that you were a TOTAL hoarder.
It is going to take forever to get all that shit out of the
basement. However, I can’t be too harsh,
since I have school binders from OSU and Head Start. I have begun the process, and let me tell
you…it sucks. I have been lugging shit
to the stoop, and I throw stuff out EVERYday.
Really, an empty box? Was this
needed? You seriously have so much shit. Dude, I tossed a bajillion opened bags of
your “chips.” No worries—I won’t let
anyone eat out of the bag. They have to
put it into a bowl!! No one who knows
you would ever dare to eat out of the bag!!
J
Speaking of that…I DID IT.
I packed up my room, and I walked away from Beechwood. I haven’t officially resigned, but my mind is
already set (and you know how I am when I decide something and commit to
it). I will not go back. I cherish my 12 years, and you would be
pretty proud of my resume. I think it
looks pretty damn extensive. It makes me
look smart (Ha). It really sucked not
having you there to celebrate my last day…a day we discussed last summer
sitting at Geno’s East—that this would be my last year. I did what I said: I went back to see my triple loop celebrate
the end of 3rd grade (my Riley moved, but I went to get her), and to
be at the graduation for my very first class.
Guess what!! I was chosen to
greet a student with his diploma!
Remember last summer when I said that getting chosen for this was the pinnacle
if teaching. I will be headed there in
about 10 minutes!! …and on your
birthday!!
Yes, I need to find a new job…one that ignites my passion,
supports my new life as a single mom, and one that has insurance (most
important). We will be staying in the
house, and you don’t have to worry about Maris.
I have her college lined up for her.
She will be OK. Promise. We are in family therapy. We started within one month. I had Stace calling 2.5 weeks later to find
someone to help Maris and I. I knew I
had to quickly help the both of us. Stace
picked a good one! She is so wonderful
with Maris, and she recommended a new therapist for me, too… We are both
working hard. …Our little family of 2.
All of the family has really rallied around, as well as
certain friends (some of them practically live here!!!!!--which I love). I vow to keep that
valley inside of her, but driving down Route 7 was excruciating. Thank goodness for Stace…and thank goodness
for the welcome of your family, and the endless support of mine. The positive?
We are all growing closer. I know
you love this…
I miss you so much.
It hurts my heart. I try to do
things that distract me...but it is the late nights. It is the little dates at the Barn. It is the family dates at Yellow Brick (where
we finally realized the bottle was 6 dollars cheaper than 4 glasses!). It’s the nights talking about Maris and how
fast this is going (slow down
Maris). We would talk about how he wants
her to stop sucking her thumb, and I think it is so adorable. All the nights we sat on the patio looking for
the first star, making grilled pizza, cramming ourselves around the fire pit
instead of using our new furniture.
It is so hard…I try to be strong, but I am overwhelmed all
the time—Everyday, I look at the large canvas on our wall of you, me, and 11
day old Baby Maris. Your pictures are
everywhere. She asks about you. We talk about you. She asks me to make “the perfect bite on her
plate” at dinner. She tells me that
daddy taught her to pump her legs on the swing.
She says, “Member when we went to that park and daddy hit his
head?” She sees me wear your clothes,
and she tells me that they are yours. I
asked her who loved pretzels and sour patch kids, and she knows…”daddy.” She is beginning to overlap what she knows
and what she is confused about…”Where is daddy?” “Daddy is watching me. He is in Heaven.” She came in the house the other day, and out
of nowhere, she said, “Is daddy home?”
It is so hard to be strong in those moments. The other day, she mentioned the boat. She said, “Maybe Donnie can drive the
boat.”…I wanted to say, “Donnie is in heaven with you.” But I said, “Maybe Curtis can.” Danny said she can ride on her boat. All of your friends have been checking with
me…
She spotted our wedding picture on the shelf in the kitchen
the other day, and she asked me to get it down.
It was odd because it has been there forever, and she never noticed
it. When we looked at it, she saw my 9
foot train, and she said, “My wanna wear that someday when I get bigger.” I told her she could (SEE…that is why I had
it preserved!!). Then she touched your
face. “Oh look at daddy. He is so cute. I want that daddy back.” She wants your hugs. I try to talk about you as much as I can…and
I am trying—really trying to be the mom and the dad—the good cop and the bad
cop. She misses you so much!
We celebrated your birthday in the Valley and here in Z
kitchen. We sang to you…we made
wishes. My wish was for you to just
watch over her. It always will be.
…We finally did go to the Rossi. She can ride her bike now like a
champion. She painted her fingernails
with markers. She is spending time with
John and Cindy, Charley and Chelsey.
John is really protective of her, and the kids text me. Cindy checks in every week. She still spends a lot of time with Nana and
Grandpa, and she was so happy to see her Pop Pop on your birthday. She stayed over at your Aunt Karen’s, Danny
took her upstairs like a sack of tatoes.
She clings on to Miken when we see each other. Her blessings take a long time!!! She still loves the zoo, and I took her to
Creekside the other day…I let her take SO many risks now. I have to call her little Tim.
I went to Ray with Dawn.
He didn’t play your song to me…We cried anyway….I found the 1st
star. I know you sent it. I know you are up there…I know.
There are so many things that I want to tell you…I feel
paralyzed in these moments. I keep
reaching for the phone—to call, to text.
Everyone misses you… we cry ( I cry a lot) that
it simply isn’t fair. What the fucking
hell…What?
I am doing the best I can, but you know me…it is never
enough. I am going to keep trying
harder. There are butterflies
everywhere. I love you. Through everything…I love you.
